My journey is very similar to a lot of other woman. I have struggled with my weight since I was about 18. Prior to that, I was thin. I was a cheerleader from the time I was 4 yo, until I graduated high school, active in sports (basketball & softball) and I still remember one time a coach saying to me that my tan made me look thinner and I thought he was saying I was fat. My senior year of high school was awful, I was bullied and I kept having what everyone assumed were asthma attacks, this continued into my first semester of college and I was given oral steroids to take. I gained almost 80lbs in about 3 months. Little did I know, that I was really having panic attacks (I still have them now occasionally).
I struggled from that moment on on with my weight and tried every diet known to man. I have been on “weight watchers” more times than I can count, tried “LA Weight Loss” and medical weight loss alternatives. I have even contemplated having weight loss surgery, but to no avail I am back and working my way through “weight watchers”. In December of 2008, I started again, my daughters were 2 then. I was doing great, by January 20th I had lost 17lbs and felt amazing and then on January 24, 2009 my world was turned upside down. My brother died that morning, of what was later determined to be congestive heart failure, he was 35 yo. I was determined to not allow this tragedy to affect me, and by 7/09 I had lost 46.2lbs, my greatest lose while on the program.
It was then that I sunk into a deep depression and the loss of my brother really began to sink in. I stopped going to meetings and fluctuated for months, by 10/09 I was up 5lbs (not bad) but my motivation was done and with 40 WI completed I stopped going. I ate to heal the pain of my loss and didn’t know what to do. I had a husband and beautiful twin girls but I had a hole in my heart and was missing a sense of myself. The next 2 years were filled with what seemed like a never ending struggle and I kept eating to keep myself from feeling anything.
On 10/21/2011 I went to go and see a doctor who basically told me that I was going to slowly kill myself if I kept going on the path I was going. I weight 220.8 lbs, .2 heavier than I was when I started in 2009. I realized that I needed to be healthy for my children and as I was turning 34 I felt it was even more important as I was only one year away from the age when my brother died. On 10/22/11, I made a commitment to myself and my family that I was going to regain my health and begin to focus on me. As of 5/27/12 I had lost 25lbs, it is happening much slower this time as I continue to struggle with my emotions and the eating that follows. I gained +.8 this past week so I am at 24.2 lost, at 7 months in the last time I had lost 2x as much weight.
In less than 6 months I will turn 35 though, and I am scared of this. I would love to hide for the entire year to make sure that nothing happens, but I know that I can not. My brother died 2 weeks before his 36 birthday, so if I can get past the next year and half of my life, I feel like it will be ok. Now I know that rationally it won’t matter, but in my mind if I can get healthy and loss 25 more pounds by November then I think I will be in a better physical place. I know though that focusing on the big goal is not always a good idea, so right now I am looking at the next 5lbs.
The point of all this is to let you all know I am human and I struggle every day with this journey. There are good days and bad days and in the end my choices are my own. I hope that by sharing my journey with others, people will know that it is ok to not be perfect every day. Weight loss is about finding yourself and what makes you happy, in the it isn’t about the number that shows up on the it is about how we change ourselves in the process.