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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

Month

July 2012

Accountability

When I started on this journey I intended to do better for myself, I wanted to be the best at what I could do and not care what others may have thought.  Well today I feel like I am letting everyone down including myself.  I have gained for the past 3-4 weigh in’s and I know why.  I haven’t been tracking, it is that simple, I stopped doing what I know works.  So go ahead ask me why, and will shrug my shoulders.  It is the same thing that always happens, I get complacent and then I stop trying, while my inner voice is yelling at me and telling to get off my ass and keep going.

The one thing that is different this time is that I am exercising and that is probably why the gains haven’t been more.  I know though with time it will get worse.  So the bigger issue/question is why do I do this, why can’t I be ok with who I am and what I am doing and keep doing it.  What am I afraid of?  Am I afraid of being happy or of succeeding?  I think it is both of those things.  I can’t say that there have been many instances in my life when I have been truly happy.  I know at my wedding and when my daughters were born, but outside of that I don’t remember.  I have succeeded in many areas of my life, I have a wonderful profession and I great family but what about other areas?  How do I measure that success?  Why do I want that success to be based on a scale?  I want to be happy with my body and with who I am without having to worry what the number on the scale says every day (yes I weigh myself every day sometimes 2x).

Every day I keep telling myself that today will be better, a new day and that I will change, well it isn’t working I make the same mistakes.  So from now on, I am going to take it minute by minute, meal by meal.  I have the ultimate power to do this, I have done it before and this time I will not only do it I will maintain the final number and be happy with it no matter what.  So what do I need?  Accountability!!  I need to know that I am being held accountable for what I need and want and so I will continue on my journey and promise myself to be better, not perfect but to at least always strive to work my hardest.

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My addiction

So I have bee struggling with what to write for the past two weeks.  Not that I know why, well then I figured it out.  If I write then I have to admit that I have not done the things I should be doing and I am way off with my eating.  As some of you may know I follow WW, well, I haven’t tracked, and I mean tracked in months.  I know this is what is causing my gains, +.6 the past 2 weeks, but I also feel like my heart is missing something. 

I have a lot of great things going on in my life right now and I should be happy, well for some reason I still feel sad, and the sadness leads to the eating and then the guilt and well you all get the picture.  Now, on the other had, I am training to complete a 10K and I am getting ready to start my fourth week and have done sort of ok with it.  I have to step it up a little, but for the most part I am following it and feel great, so why then can’t I incorporate that into my life in other areas.

Food is my addiction that is why.  I know this, I have known it for years and yet I still can’t get a handle on it.  I think I was nervous about writing because then I have to admit that I have a problem.  Well maybe it is time for me to put it out there publicly.  I am addicted to food!!  Some are looking at this and thinking, and.  Well, for me it is easy, if you were addicted to alcohol you would just stay away from it right, well I am addicted to food and I can’t just stay away from it can I?  I have to eat to be healthy, eat to survive.  Food is a part of everyone’s life and always will be, so then how does an addict stay away from something that they not only crave but need to live, hmmm.  

 

I guess that needs to be my next step, figuring out how can I make food less of an event and more of the need to survive?  Or is that even possible?  I need to write down every bit of food that I put in my mouth, no matter how difficult that is for me to see and I need to be honest with myself.  I know I am not alone in this that there are others who have the same struggle, maybe we can get through this together, maybe we can hold each other up when we want to fall.  

 

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