When I started on this journey I intended to do better for myself, I wanted to be the best at what I could do and not care what others may have thought.  Well today I feel like I am letting everyone down including myself.  I have gained for the past 3-4 weigh in’s and I know why.  I haven’t been tracking, it is that simple, I stopped doing what I know works.  So go ahead ask me why, and will shrug my shoulders.  It is the same thing that always happens, I get complacent and then I stop trying, while my inner voice is yelling at me and telling to get off my ass and keep going.

The one thing that is different this time is that I am exercising and that is probably why the gains haven’t been more.  I know though with time it will get worse.  So the bigger issue/question is why do I do this, why can’t I be ok with who I am and what I am doing and keep doing it.  What am I afraid of?  Am I afraid of being happy or of succeeding?  I think it is both of those things.  I can’t say that there have been many instances in my life when I have been truly happy.  I know at my wedding and when my daughters were born, but outside of that I don’t remember.  I have succeeded in many areas of my life, I have a wonderful profession and I great family but what about other areas?  How do I measure that success?  Why do I want that success to be based on a scale?  I want to be happy with my body and with who I am without having to worry what the number on the scale says every day (yes I weigh myself every day sometimes 2x).

Every day I keep telling myself that today will be better, a new day and that I will change, well it isn’t working I make the same mistakes.  So from now on, I am going to take it minute by minute, meal by meal.  I have the ultimate power to do this, I have done it before and this time I will not only do it I will maintain the final number and be happy with it no matter what.  So what do I need?  Accountability!!  I need to know that I am being held accountable for what I need and want and so I will continue on my journey and promise myself to be better, not perfect but to at least always strive to work my hardest.

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