So I am pretty disappointed in myself today.  I have no one to blame but myself and I know at the end of the day I need to hold myself accountable for my own actions.

I have been going to the gym for about a month now with the trainer so today was the day that I got my official one month wait and measurements.  You would think I would be excited as I am going to the gym 5-6x a week and really working on changing things.  Yeah not so much.  Anyway so here are the results.

I lost 1 lb (yes one freakin’ pound) and 5″.  I lost 2″ from my waist alone and then I believe 1″ from my waist and some from my arm.  So should I be happy probably but I am not.  I am mad that I didn’t follow the calories/eating portion closer.  I am angry that I feel like I don’t put in enough effort when I go on days alone.  I was emotional during our actual session because I can almost guarantee you that he has no idea what it is like to be an overweight person.  Trust me I am not mad at him about that or anything but it is hard when other people have never had to struggle with this.

Obesity is the last legit form of discrimination.  Do you think I am can find cute clothes?  Do you think I like having other children call my “fat” to my own girls?  Do you think I want my girls to grow up and have to ever struggle with this.  Never!!!!!!!!  So then why the F can’t I get a grip and make the changes that I need to make??  Why am I so freakin’ afraid of doing something good for myself?

I don’t know if I will ever have answers to these questions I don’t know if I will ever be different.  I do know that right now though I feel like I am drowning.

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