I am so angry.  I am beyond words all weekend long.  I have no idea why I am like this or why I feel like I want to scream.


I met with the cardiologist on Thursday.  I trust her more than I trust any other doctor.  I don’t know why I thought that she would tell me to not have the surgery but she told me she wants me to have it.  I was shocked and sad at that point.  I haven’t even told J that I am sad about this.  I understand that she wants me to have a better life and better opportunities and in order to do that she wants me to be at a healthier weight.  I guess for me though I just want to be able to do this on my own.  I feel as if I am failing everyone around me because I can’t do this on my own.  

I have been trying to lose weight for years and nothing helps, I lose it and then gain it right back.  I don’t know why I think this is going to be different. I started reading an OA book today.  Maybe it is time to start working on the steps and the reality of life that I can’t do this alone and that my struggle is just that a struggle that I am going to have to live with whether I have the surgery or not.