I am so angry. I am beyond words all weekend long. I have no idea why I am like this or why I feel like I want to scream.
I met with the cardiologist on Thursday. I trust her more than I trust any other doctor. I don’t know why I thought that she would tell me to not have the surgery but she told me she wants me to have it. I was shocked and sad at that point. I haven’t even told J that I am sad about this. I understand that she wants me to have a better life and better opportunities and in order to do that she wants me to be at a healthier weight. I guess for me though I just want to be able to do this on my own. I feel as if I am failing everyone around me because I can’t do this on my own.
I have been trying to lose weight for years and nothing helps, I lose it and then gain it right back. I don’t know why I think this is going to be different. I started reading an OA book today. Maybe it is time to start working on the steps and the reality of life that I can’t do this alone and that my struggle is just that a struggle that I am going to have to live with whether I have the surgery or not.