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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

Month

December 2015

Pain….

Like no other.

I can’t even begin to express the hurt that I have felt over the past day or so.  Family dynamics and drama at it’s best.

Almost 7 years ago my only sibling, my brother, passed away suddenly for an undiagnosed heart condition.  He was 35 at the time.  He left behind a fiance of almost 10 years and 2 beautiful little girls with another little girl on the way.  Prior to him passing away we had a very on and off relationship with his fiancé.  After his death it did not get much better.  There has been anger and resentment on both sides but through it all we have maintained a relationship for my nieces.

Well something happened.  I wish I knew what the catalyst was.  Two of my nieces have been sick this past year and back in October one of them had to have surgery.  I ran a half marathon the weekend I had found out and dedicated my race to her.  I wore her name on my bib and even got an extra medal so that I could send it to her.  I asked her mom for the address (they had moved a few months prior) and did not get it.  I probably asked twice then and both times the messages were ignored.  So fast forward, my mom and aunt wanted to send them Christmas presents and they were not given the address either.

Let me also state that we live about 8 hours away from her and my mother lives more than 16 hours away from her, so it isn’t like we are going to be showing up at their door.  So yesterday I again reached out and asked for it.  I also asked that we put whatever differences we have aside for the holiday and understand this is about us having a relationship with the last link we have to my brother.  A few short hours later I was unfriended on Facebook.  The only like that I still had left to see anything about those girls.

I feel like I have lost my brother all over again.  The gut wrenching pain of that day is back, the indescribably feeling of never seeing him or talking to him again.  He was 35 you aren’t suppose to die unexpectedly at 35.  Today I feel that pain again.  I feel that urge to scream and run and throw things. I hope with all my heart that she never has to experience this kind of pain or hurt.  I don’t even know how to express what I am feeling.  In the past I used food to cope with this pain and I am trying my hardest to not do that today.

Food was my comfort when he died and for the past 5 years.  It has only been the past year and a half that I have had better control over this and yesterday I felt it all slipping way.  I felt like there was no other pain to feel.  Then I talked to my mom today and realized the pain that she is feeling and it is just so difficult for me to understand why someone would do this over us wanting to send the girls Christmas presents.

Mind F

When this picture was taken

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I actually didn’t see that there was an issue.  I rarely looked in the mirror though and certainly hated to be anywhere were I could see myself.  Looking at this now, I am sorry that I didn’t see it sooner.  My family and friends didn’t bother to tell me how awful I must have looked.  This picture was taken in July of 2014 and that is my daughter I am carrying.  I had just started my journey had probably been going to the gym for a few weeks at that point.

This picture

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was taken this past week.  now I look in the mirror and I still see the girl in the fist picture.  I can’t seem to shake the other image.  I try on clothes now and although I am in single digit sizes I still feel like a size 18/20.  I can’t seem to figure out how to transition my brain to think other ways. I want to be able to look at myself and realize the progress I have made.  Change is hard for me and extremely difficult to to wrap my brain around.

Review of MealEnders (The Antidote to Overeating)

Ok, so if any of you are like me I hate and I mean HATE change or trying new things.  So when I had the opportunity to review this product I was reluctant to say the least since I thought oh wow something else that someone is telling me will help when all I want to do is eat.  Well I was wrong.

Wednesday and Friday’s are the hardest days for me eating.  I do not go into my office on those days and my daughters are in school all day which means lots of down time for this mom.  Down time that I often try to fill with not being at home so that I don’t have to think about eating or want to just mindlessly pick at things all day long.  Today I decided to give MealEnders a shot and see how well it held up to the challenge.

So what are MealEnders you ask?  Well they are little individually wrapped almost candy like its of goodness in my opinion (not the technical definition).

What are MealEnders?

MealEnders Signaling Lozenges are a revolutionary way to help beat overeating, master portion control and curb snacking by clearing cravings from the mouth and mind.  MealEnders’ combines the best of food science and behavioral psychology to offer a stimulant-free way to fight the urge to overindulge.

That is the official definition from the MealEnders website https://www.mealenders.com

I decided to try the mocha flavored one since I have a rather unhealthy obsession with coffee and I thought there is no way I am going to like this. So when I first opened it I thought hmm this looks like a little espresso bean and then I put it in my mouth.  I had been running errands but I had eaten a late breakfast after my 3 mile run and should not have been hungry for lunch yet, but stress makes me want to eat.  This was a great alternative today.  I put it in my mouth and tried to just enjoy and experience the flavor.  I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.  The outside melted off rather quickly and then on the inside was a hard candy which lasted for quite a long time in my mouth before it dissolved.  It was as if my mouth was tingling ( no lie) and within  short amount of time I didn’t feel the urge to want to eat.  I will admit I was thirsty after having it which I am not sure is normal or not.

The best part is that they are all individually wrapped and I could toss a few into my purse to use as needed and no one would know any different.  They are packaged similar to a small hard candy and do not have any outward packaging that would indicate you are doing anything different.  They come in a variety of flavors including Citrus, Cinnamon, Chocolate Mint and of course Mocha.  I am excited to try all the flavors and explore this even more.

Nutriotion Facts_Mocha

If you visit the website https://www.mealenders.com you can look at purchase information.  Use the code FitHolidays20 for a 20% off discount on your order. They are $14.95 per bag of 25 and you can purchase them individually or through a subscription.  I am sure many you are just as skeptical as I was about this and I can understand.  Food for me has been a struggle for as long as I could remember but these were a huge help for me and they can be for you as well.

#MealEnders is also sponsoring a giveaway to one lucky reader who will be picked at random.  In order to enter into the drawing for your own sample of MealEnders comment on this post.

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