Like no other.

I can’t even begin to express the hurt that I have felt over the past day or so.  Family dynamics and drama at it’s best.

Almost 7 years ago my only sibling, my brother, passed away suddenly for an undiagnosed heart condition.  He was 35 at the time.  He left behind a fiance of almost 10 years and 2 beautiful little girls with another little girl on the way.  Prior to him passing away we had a very on and off relationship with his fiancé.  After his death it did not get much better.  There has been anger and resentment on both sides but through it all we have maintained a relationship for my nieces.

Well something happened.  I wish I knew what the catalyst was.  Two of my nieces have been sick this past year and back in October one of them had to have surgery.  I ran a half marathon the weekend I had found out and dedicated my race to her.  I wore her name on my bib and even got an extra medal so that I could send it to her.  I asked her mom for the address (they had moved a few months prior) and did not get it.  I probably asked twice then and both times the messages were ignored.  So fast forward, my mom and aunt wanted to send them Christmas presents and they were not given the address either.

Let me also state that we live about 8 hours away from her and my mother lives more than 16 hours away from her, so it isn’t like we are going to be showing up at their door.  So yesterday I again reached out and asked for it.  I also asked that we put whatever differences we have aside for the holiday and understand this is about us having a relationship with the last link we have to my brother.  A few short hours later I was unfriended on Facebook.  The only like that I still had left to see anything about those girls.

I feel like I have lost my brother all over again.  The gut wrenching pain of that day is back, the indescribably feeling of never seeing him or talking to him again.  He was 35 you aren’t suppose to die unexpectedly at 35.  Today I feel that pain again.  I feel that urge to scream and run and throw things. I hope with all my heart that she never has to experience this kind of pain or hurt.  I don’t even know how to express what I am feeling.  In the past I used food to cope with this pain and I am trying my hardest to not do that today.

Food was my comfort when he died and for the past 5 years.  It has only been the past year and a half that I have had better control over this and yesterday I felt it all slipping way.  I felt like there was no other pain to feel.  Then I talked to my mom today and realized the pain that she is feeling and it is just so difficult for me to understand why someone would do this over us wanting to send the girls Christmas presents.