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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

Month

January 2016

Being Ok

So today has been somewhat an emotional day for a very odd reason.  Back in June of 2014 I joined Crunch.  It was the new gym opening less than 5 miles from my house and I thought why not.  I was ready at that point to start making some changes.  On July 3, 2014 I had my first training session.  This is where I met Martin.  Now let me describe Martin to you, wait never mind, just picture your typical young male trainer at any gym and then you have Martin.  My expectation were not high because how could he understand my journey.  I even wrote in my journal (yes I still have one of those too) on 7/24/14 ” I felt like he was telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough. I know my eating needs to change and I understand my progress won’t be the same but I need him to acknowledge little victories”  I didn’t speak up that day to him about it and less than a week later I wrote about how I thought I was bound to fail, nothing had worked so far, blah blah.

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That is a picture from my daughter’s birthday celebration at camp. That is what I looked like when Martin and I first met.

Ten days later I went in for my consult for WLS.  I will never forget when I told Martin I had the consult he asked me why.  He told me he thought I could do it on my own and that I really needed to stay focused.  So maybe he wasn’t the cheerleader I wanted but he was doing it in a way that I realize now worked.  I spent the majority of those first few months doubting myself and my abilities.  I would joke about my weight as a way to hide the pain of how I was really feeling inside.  Yet through it all Martin just kept pushing me forward.  P.S. I didn’t end up having the surgery.

Have we always agreed, hell no.  He hates how much I run but not once did he not say good job when I came in for a session after a race.  We have had our ups and downs and we took a break from training sometime in 2015 only to start again in the summer of 2015.

Well this morning was our last training session at Crunch.  I am not happy with how it all came about and it has nothing to do with Martin (that is for another post).  In the end though I am learning to be ok.  I was emotional this morning, but a little less emotional after the 121 pushups he had me do, lol.  I also know that if I need anything he is a mere text message away.  I have come a long way from 7/3/2014 not just with how much weight I have lost but with the idea that I am letting myself be held back.  I try new things, heck I did a rugged maniac last year.

Some people come into our lives in the most unexpected ways and for that I am thankful.  The banter that Martin I had was a lot like my relationship with my brother.  Never a dull moment when we trained together.  I looked forward to 6:30am Tues and Thurs to hear how short I am or how I act like a child when I don’t want to do things.  I will miss those mornings.  Most of all I will miss the friendship and the motivation and knowing that he was always there to push me further than I thought I could go.

Today though I realize that I am going to Be OK.

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This is me now.  This is the me that can now look in the mirror and almost, almost not see the girl from before (that is an entirely different struggle).  This is the new me.  The me that knows that somewhere somehow, I am good enough. So thank you Martin, thank you for all you have done and for helping this me gain a little more confidence every day.

 

Oh and P.S. although Martin may look the part he is anything but your typical gym guy.

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Day To Remember

On 1/24/2009 my brother and only sibling died suddenly.  It was determined that he had congestive heart failure after his death.  For 7 years I have mourned this day in very different ways.  The first few years I was just numb to it.  Two years ago, my family and I left for Disney on that day.  Last year I think I just hung around in a funk.  Well this year I decided at the urging of a friend to do something different something that I love.

So Donnie’s run was born.  Well it didn’t turn out as planned since the Blizzard of 2016 decided to hit.  Well I was determined yesterday that I was going to run 7 miles in honor of him yesterday.  And that is what I did.

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It wasn’t easy as I have never run on the snow before (being new to this running thing).  Last year I would go to the gym if I had to run an the weather was like this.  Well this year I invested in Yaktrax Pro and off I went.  It wasn’t the best 7 miles I have run and it wasn’t the worst.  There were some tears shed, some hurdling of snow banks and dodging of plows.  In the end I did it and I felt great.  I am not going to lie and tell you that the day was any easier this year than in prior years but it was different.

On of the greatest things was to see the spirit of those around me who ran on their own and posted pictures dedicating the run to my brother’s honor.  I briefly looked at them all but some brought tears to my eyes and I tried to fight that yesterday.  This week I will go back and really process it all.  My only wish is that my brother’s fiance (Amy) and my nieces would be able to see it but alas due to family drama they will not.

I love you Donnie.  Thank you for being an amazing big brother and for having had the opportunity to have 31 years with you.

Pushing Myself

I did not want to run today.  I mean I really did not want to run..  Forget that I have not wanted to run in a long time and I have no idea why.  I know part of it is that my running partner moved.  Sara was not just a great friend but my go to for my long runs.  She runs my pace and we chat and it just makes me feel like I am not running as far as I am.  I hadn’t found that yet.  Don’t get me wrong I have some other great workout buddies (Dominique) but it isn’t the same sometimes.

Today though I pushed myself and did my scheduled 8 miles (which was a mistake since I haven’t run that far in a long time) but I did it.  I ran in an area I have never run in before.

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The boardwalk from Asbury Park to around Belmar.  4 miles out and back and the wind was awful but it felt so good.  My pace wasn’t great but for me it wasn’t bad either.  It just felt good to be back doing something I love to do and not feeling like I had to prove myself to anyone else around me.  I know running should always be about me and no one else but sometimes it is easy to get caught up in everyone else and who well they are doing.

Bottom line I miss Sara and I miss the time we got to spend together running and hanging out.  I know this will pass and I am ok with waiting it out.  In the meantime I focus on my strength training and on losing these last 20 or so pounds and we will go from there.

Lost & Alone

Some days I love the fact that I have little drama in my life because I have very few close friends if any.  You see when you an adult and move it is harder to make adult friends.  You make friends at jobs and then you leave that job and everyone says “we will stay in touch” but inevitably you never do.

So today is one of those days that I wish I had a best friend.  I am struggling today with me.  I am lost in my own world and I don’t know why or what to do.  I have so many wonderful things around me but I have so much trouble seeing them on a day like today.  I wish I had someone to talk to who would understand and not judge.  Someone to just listen and not try to fix a problem that has no real answer.

I want to be motivated to run again, I want to run again but I just didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.  I thought signing up for another half marathon would force me to get back to training to what I fell in love with last year, but I just didn’t want to do it today.  Ok, I know it is one day and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but normally I push through and do it anyway.  I did take a yoga class so it isn’t like I sat on my ass all day and did nothing I just didn’t do what was on the schedule.

The schedule…what keeps me focused and going even though I often don’t want to.  Today I said F the schedule and now I feel like crap because of it. The one thing I have been good at this past year and a half is keeping to the schedule.  Today is just one of those days.  Lost and alone, being to hard on everything about myself.  How much weight I still have to lose and the why behind that. How I look. You name it and I could find a negative in it today.

I find myself trying to insert myself with females I meet in various settings but realize they already have their friend groups so again feel like an outsider.

I know tomorrow is a new day, blah blah blah.  I just feel the funk coming on and I hate it.  Today is the day I wish I had a best friend to tell these things to and just have them listen.

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