Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running


June 2016

Failure Means Success

“Failing at a workout means you succeeded because you gave it your all” (Trainer Brian ) Interesting concept considering my entire existence as of late has been based around the fear of success.  You see I don’t mind failure because I am so used to it.  I have tried and failed at getting healthy more times than I can count.  So in reality I am not afraid of failure it is the success that scares me.

As a kid, my dad was pretty hard on us.  It was always if you got an A- it should have been an A, you made varsity well great but why aren’t you starting.  I grew up trying to always please other people instead of focusing on the person who mattered most.  Today’s training didn’t just show me how to improve my upper body strength it showed me that even failure can be success.

I have succeeded in these past 2 years because I still get up every day (almost) at 4:30am and go to the gym or kickboxing. I have made this a true lifestyle change.  It actually pains me that I can’t do as much as I want to do.  Getting injured wasn’t a failure, the not taking care of it wasn’t good, but the injury itself wasn’t and isn’t a failure.  I trained and completed 4 half marathon’s last year that isn’t failure because I didn’t finish in the time I wanted.  I succeeded because I got out there and tried something new.

In all of my failures I have somehow succeeded because I am where I am at today because of them.  So in my fear of success I have been successful all along.  I have chosen to do the things I do, live the life I live and have the business that I do.  All of those came out of fear and then success.   I chose to get healthy out of fear of leaving my daughter’s without a mother.  Of dying young like my brother did.  I choose to run and work out because it makes me happy to do something for me.  To accomplish new things, to lift a new set of weights to do more pushups then I could before (pullups is an entire different story).  I choose to go into private practice so that I could be home with girls in the mornings and have the flexibility to be there when they need me at school and camp events.  All of my choices in life have led me to where I am today.

So why then do I see my self as always failing.  Simple, I am the most critical of myself and my choices.  I often see myself as a failure of a mother because my daughter acts out or doesn’t listen, I see myself as a failure of a wife because J isn’t always happy.  I am a failure as a business owner because my practice is not busier, I fail as a woman because I am not the perfect size or have the perfect hair etc.  You name it and i will probably tell you I am not good at it.

I guide people all the time to be easier on themselves, to love themselves, find the good in what they do.  You think I would be able to do the same thing.  I am trying harder lately and hearing that today just made me stop and think.  “Failure is success”.  You can’t fail if you didn’t try and personally I would rather try than to sit back and let the world keep happening around me.  I did that for 30 something years and it didn’t really get me that far.  The past two years have been rewarding in so many ways and have some amazing people and friends along the way.



Random Thoughts

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and a lot of stress eating.  Not good on either end.  One of my daughter’s was sick this weekend and that of course did not help.  I have been struggling with the IT Band Syndrome and feeling as if I am at a lose.

I have been an emotional eater for as long as I can remember with binge eating being my go to stress reducer.  As usual I am better at helping others than I am at helping myself with anything.  I have books to read and discuss with others in my practice but I don’t do well with doing it on my own.  I get so angry at myself tough for doing this for going on a “binge”.  I have tools to use to not do this and yet this weekend I have just been overcome with an I don’t care attitude, one that comes all too easy lately that I just didn’t stop.

Of course I still meal prepped today so I have plans to try and stay on track as well as i can this week and find myself a plan that I can stick with.  At the beginning of the year I was writing down all of my exercise and really keeping track of what i was doing it.  I need to get back to that.  I need to be accountable for what I am doing and for how I am going to do it.


  • Track all exercise
  • Track all food
  • Find and stick to exercise plan
  • Finalize marathon training plan
  • Go easy on myself!!!


As I sit on the sideline now, a sad puppy looking on as other people do the things I love, I am trying to keep my focus.  reminding myself that this will help me in the long run and not hurt me.  I was at the gym this morning doing a short upper body/ab workout and then 4 miles on the bike while I watched my trainer train someone else.  They were doing a lot of the exercises I love doing and miss doing.  Now I know it is only for 2 weeks and I know there are plenty of people who can’t work out at all and I should be grateful and I am.  It doesn’t mean though that I don’t feel pangs of jealousy as I watch someone else doing what I want to be doing.

I tell people all the time in my practice that sometimes we have to focus on the smaller pieces of the puzzle before we can see the entire thing together.  I am trying very hard to remind myself of this in my own life.  I need to put the edges together to make the puzzle work.  The edges are my nutrition, PT and focus on how to get stronger without running my body down.  There is a sense of anger in myself though at times.  Anger that I didn’t go to see this doctor sooner.  Anger that I wasn’t more forceful in March when I went to go see a doctor and didn’t really agree with what he said.  I think I was ready to hear what might be really wrong anyway.

So the healing continues, not just of my body but of my mind as well.  Trying to remind myself that I can’t have regrets.  Regrets only make the day longer and we forget to look forward when we keep looking back.

Tracking, Tracking and More Tracking

Tracking is the name of the game.  I admit that I have let my nutrition slip over the last several months.  I got comfortable in my own space.  I was eating all the same things and wasn’t really paying attention.  Then this ITBS happened and I thought hmm, I need something to focus on while I can’t run.  So I met with my trainer at this am and instead of doing a regular training session, Brian and I discussed nutrition.  We sat down and talked about calorie intake, breaking down my macros (protein, carbs, fat), and how to make it all work.  We did the dreaded body fat %, which I swear is off because of all my excess skin but there is no real proof of that, lol.

Bottom line, I am not eating enough of the right things and in general not eating enough and so for the amount I have been working out it is actually counter productive.  In addtion I am not eating enough greens ( I hate green veggies, well I hate veggies in general).  So I am going to focus on tracking again, got the app all up and going.  I am going to focus on my eating cues (back to the emotional eating) and eat when I am hungry not when I think I should.

This is also a place I am going to call home again, or my actual journal.  I haven’t been doing a lot of this lately and usually writing and journaling are like second nature to me when I am struggling.  So put the food down and focus on all the good things.  Also decided while I am taking a break from running and intense cardio I am going to still focus on upper body (it is my weakness anyway) and find some good workouts to start strengthening that.  I can’t stay out of the gym, no way no how.  The past 2 days have absolute torture not actually working out.

I am also going to try and find some yoga classes I can fit into my crazy schedule.  I was doing that pretty regularly for a while and then stopped because of schedule changes, now that my office is slowing down a little for the summer I am hoping to find a studio near there that I can sneak away for some mid day classes.

At the end of the day I have a plan.  My plan is to keep going because I will not give up.  I don’t know how to give up.  I will make this work for me and I will get stronger and healthier along the way.  Rebuilding the foundation that I started is what is important.  I will run the NYC Marathon in November because it is a dream and I know I can accomplish it.  It doesn’t matter how slow I end up being as long as I get it done.  So my training might be delayed a little it doesn’t mean I am not still staying strong in other ways.

I WILL do this.



Yesterday was a really bad day. I fell back into some old habits and had a slight binge with my eating. Just when I think I am on the flip side it all comes back. The emotion around it, the why I do do, the guilt after. It all came flooding back. now this was nothing like a binge I would have had in the past and it was short lived and I moved one but I am still not happy with myself. I am struggling with the idea of not running ( I know I know) and also taking a break in general. I discussed with my trainer today taking a week off everything to really start the healing process. He is right I need to give my body the chance it needs to heal and I am not doing that if I am doing all these other activities even if I am not running.
I have a lot of fear though of the what if.  What if I take a week off and then I can’t get back into it?  What if I take a week off and I like it and decide to give up? What if a week doesn’t help?  
But then I am reminded that I can’t live in a world of what if. What if taking a week off helps me to heal? What if taking a week off makes me appreciate what I am doing even more?
Saying those things is one thing, believing them is totally different.  I fear falling into old patterns.  For almost 2 years I don’t know if I have taken a significant break.  A total no working out break.  Even saying that makes me cringe a little.  But I know if I don’t do this I won’t heal.
What is the issue you might ask?  Well officially my IT Band but after PT yesterday he believes also some periformus issues as well.  We are working a little on both and seeing where things go.  I am going to be going 2x a week and we will see where it gets me.  Of course it is all tied together as it is the same side and one couldn’t have played a part in the other and given how stubborn I am and won’t slow down I have not made it better.

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