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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

Month

July 2016

Don’t Need Running

 

I have had two very different people in my life tell me within two days that I “don’t need” running.  Let me back track a little.  As I have mentioned previously running has been my go to for the past two years.  When I started this journey of fitness it was what I latched onto, probably because it was easy.  Don’t laugh I know a lot of people don’t look at it as easy.  I think I mean easy as it was just a natural thing to do. So in these conversations I discussed how I am scared of falling back into my old patterns.  Scared of not exercising of eating crappy again not going to the gym etc.  I was reminded that even injured I am still doing things.

So two unrelated people both told me I “don’t need” running.  I guess I have looked at running as the glue that holds this entire process together.  What am I without it?  How do I define myself? How to I continue to exercise? Today I was reminded that while running I have been in this awful plateau with my weight, so therefore running has not really helped me.  In addition to this injury.  Of course this is my trainer speaking and well he hates that I run as does every trainer I have encountered.  I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that these two people are correct.  I don’t need it but I want it.

So how do I make strength training just as important, how do I find the same enjoyment in that as I do in completing a half marathon.  I think that is the issue.  When I finish a 13.1 mile race that takes me 2 hours and 45 mins I feel I sense of holy hell what did I just do.  I haven’t gotten there with my strength training.  While yes I see improvements and yes I see that I can do more and my form is getting better, what else is there with that?  So again it is back to the idea that while I don’t need running I want it in my life.

We all have wants though. Most of want to be thinner, want to richer, want to be happier.  All wants though and not needs.  So how then do I wrap my warped brain around this idea, how do I accept this idea and move forward.  There are plenty of people who have actual needs that they can’t obtain and wants much greater than my want to run.  I have to look at the fact that there are still so many things I can do (well not today the pain is crazy).  I can still pretty much live my daily life minus a few bumps in the road as I figure out where to navigate.  The pain is pretty bad today but that is from PT yesterday and I know within a day or 2 I will be back to normal, whatever normal is now.

So I need to keep perspective that it has been 2 years, I have stayed relatively the same weight for over a year now and that is probably harder than losing, to maintain.  While I wish for more I have to thankful for where I am at.  I do not need running but I miss is and want to be able to do it.  Refocusing my goals though and not beating myself up because of things that I am not able to do at this moment.

Enough

I just want to put the last month behind me.  The anger with myself for not going to the doctor I trusted sooner.  The anger for not pushing the prior doctor to really see what was going on.  The fear of what if, because what if is here now.  I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity over my decision and the idea of not knowing what the future holds.

I am almost 39 and decided to start running at the age of 37 while weighing over 230lbs.  What the hell did I think was going to happen?? Did I honestly think this was going to be easy? That I would not have any injuries?  I am still not where I should be weight wise, while I am down over 60lbs I am not near where I need to be. I know that some of my injuries and issues are caused by my weight.  No one has outright said that to me but at the end of the day it is obvious.

I try my hardest under the circumstances and I don’t always succeed but I have worked my ass off for 2 years.  I think that is why I am so frustrated.  I have seen the work I have put in the effort, the amount I go to the gym and yet I have been stuck at this weight for over 6 months (well over).  Ok great, that means I haven’t gained anything and I should be really happy, but I haven’t lost either.  I haven’t lose any weight!!!  I work out almost every day, I don’t eat nearly as poorly as I used to and yet here I am stuck.

I have had ENOUGH!!  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to hurt just sitting here typing this.  I want to feel better.   I am sick of feeling like crying over stupid things because I can’t do something.  I want my life back.  It’s time to refocus.  Gain a different perspective.  But how do I do that.  How do I gain a new focus when the one I have had is all I have known for these past 2 years.  It is what has got me through the struggles of life learning how to take care of myself, how to focus on the new good parts of me.  I know I sound like a broken record but this is difficult.

I am not giving up on running but I can not focus on that right now.  I am going to continue to rehab but I am not going to push it.  I am not going to push PT to let me run or even ask for that matter.  When my body is ready my body will be ready.  I am going to focus on the other parts of me that need work.  My upper body, my core and my mind.  Focus on the things I have control over.  I can get a stronger core ( I will need that to run a marathon), I can get a stronger upper body (who doesn’t want that) and I will learn to get out of my head more and trust the process.

I will continue to focus more on my nutrition and all the things I can do versus the ONE thing that I can not do right now.

Excitement then Fear

On Friday I got news from PT that I could start running on a modified schedule.  So to start week 1 I can do a run of .25 miles a walk of .25 miles and then repeat one time and that is all. So that is a total of 1 mile and I can do that 3-4x during the week.  Every week that increases for approximately 7 weeks or until I feel 100%.  Talk about sheer excitement just that fact that I can run.

Now granted there are some stipulations, the run needs to be run/walk intervals, no treadmill and I need to tape my leg.  So again, pure joy at hearing this.  I was so excited to get up this morning and try to do this.  Then I woke up and fear set in.  Fear of the unknown, fear of my leg hurting, fear of me not being able to run at all.  So I said you have to do this at some point.

Got up, got dressed and heading to a local park that has a soft gravel trail at about 6:40am. I figured the earlier the better as the humidity here has not been great.  Anyway, I did it.  I did one mile and I followed all the rules.  I did it in 13:24 which may sound pretty dismal to most but considering when I started 2 years ago I was slower than that I will take it.  I think I am afraid to admit though that I might not have been ready.  My first few steps I felt a little twinge and got scared but I said I need to give it time.  It has been 3 weeks maybe it just needs to warm up a little.

Needless to say I think I am realizing that my fears have come to fruition. My leg does not feel right, I have been getting pains in the back of my leg most of the day even when sitting.  I am ok just walking around taking it easy but it is not pain free.  Maybe it is just because today was the first day, who knows. Tomorrow I might wake up and feel great and feel like I can do it again, but right now I don’t think I can.

PT gave me the ok to do the 5 mile race I have on the 9th as long as I was feeling ok, and after today I don’t think I can do the 5 miles, not if after 1 mile I feel like this.  I can’t risk getting anymore hurt and really jeopardizing my ability to train for NYC (which I am doubting I will be able to do). I am angry, sad, frustrated and just want to cry today.  I can’t explain why this is so difficult for me.  I wish that I could.  At the end of the day I know that I can find something else to make me happy, something to replace running and to make me feel good, but I don’t want to.  I want to be able to run without the pain.  I want to be able to enjoy the miles I know I can do.

I want to train for NYC and be able to finish that marathon and now I feel like those dreams, those goals are failing and may never come true.  I feel defeated in the worst way. I should have waited, I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard to do this.  I should have just given myself the time to really heal.  I have no one to blame for this but me and I think that makes this even worse.

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