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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

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December 2016

Surgery

I had a consult last week with mainlineplasticsurgery.com and have nothing but great things to say about them.  The staff and the doctor were amazing.  I am in the position of not knowing what to do.  I really want to do this.  I know that it is looked at as vain and that I am only doing this to feel better about myself.  Is that true, well yes, but it is not the entire truth.  I also feel that it will help to improve my overall heath.  I have skin that just hangs.  I have to wear compression pants (workout clothes) almost all the time and not because I like to because I have to in order to feel somewhat normal.

Jeans are ok most of the time, but I still feel the skin in there (I know gross).  It isn’t noticeable to other people but it is for me.  I don’t wear cute underwear because well I need to wear the ones that hold the skin in place otherwise the jeans won’t fit correctly.  All things that are just petty.

Here is the thing, I have worked my ass off, literally to change.  I have done everything I could possible do and I am no where near where I need to be but this is what I want.  I have a difficult time seeing how far I have come because every time I look in the mirror I see the old me, I see the skin that hangs.  I feel that everyone else can see it.  I have stopped wanting my husband to love me because I feel to disgusting in my skin.  I don’t feel I deserve to be loved or to be happy because well I did this to myself.  I let myself go for years.  I allowed myself to eat my emotions when I knew there were other options.

I have been so stuck with my life that I just didn’t care and now that I do maybe me looking this way is a form of punishment.  Again, no one else can see this it is a personal thing that I know exists.  Fitting I guess that I work in the mental health field as those are too often the hidden illness’ that no one sees and no one gets.  So, at the end of the day, I want to have this surgery.  At the end of the day I can’t afford to have this surgery.  It will cause issues in my marriage because it will cause financial issues.  Won’t it cause issues though because of the resentment I might hold for not being able to do it.  I don’t want to feel this.

I want to work hard again to finish losing the weight but no matter what I do, the skin will not go away.  The skin will remain and maybe I need to hold it close because it is the scar I have to remind me that I have done so much and where I never can go back to.

Why

Why am I so focused on skin removal surgery?  I went for a consult today at a great facility in PA.  I know the surgeon so I figured I would give it a shot and see what he had to say.  On a plus side I am great candidate for surgery.  I am no longer “morbidly obese” his words not mine (yeah) and all should be fine.

The downside continues to be the cost of the surgery.  With it being just over $9K there is no way that I can afford to do something like that.  I am raising two kids and trying to run a successful business.  My husband has a good job but we just don’t have that kind of money to spend on me.  Now people would argue that I have put in a ton of work to get to where I am and why not be happy etc, etc.

I guess my response to that is why can’t I be happy in the body I am in and be proud of the skin and the scars and the extra because it represents how far I have come….  The issue is I guess what I see every say when I look in the mirror. I don’t see the me everyone else sees I constantly see the me who was well over 230lbs and struggling to tie my shoes or to play with my girls.  While I know I am not that person today that is what I still see and seeing that is often very difficult to wrap my brain around.  The skin causes other issues.  If I am not careful I get sores and it makes clothes shopping very difficult.

I can’t guarantee it but I am almost positive some of my injury could be contributed to the skin as well.  I have back and hip issues that I have finally had a doctor agree that this is part of the problem.  However I can’t get the insurance to see it that way.  It has been suggested I travel to Boston there potentially is a team of doctors there that will try and help get it covered by the insurance but that is a distance to go and why can’t the doctors here do the same thing for me???

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