I had a consult last week with mainlineplasticsurgery.com and have nothing but great things to say about them.  The staff and the doctor were amazing.  I am in the position of not knowing what to do.  I really want to do this.  I know that it is looked at as vain and that I am only doing this to feel better about myself.  Is that true, well yes, but it is not the entire truth.  I also feel that it will help to improve my overall heath.  I have skin that just hangs.  I have to wear compression pants (workout clothes) almost all the time and not because I like to because I have to in order to feel somewhat normal.

Jeans are ok most of the time, but I still feel the skin in there (I know gross).  It isn’t noticeable to other people but it is for me.  I don’t wear cute underwear because well I need to wear the ones that hold the skin in place otherwise the jeans won’t fit correctly.  All things that are just petty.

Here is the thing, I have worked my ass off, literally to change.  I have done everything I could possible do and I am no where near where I need to be but this is what I want.  I have a difficult time seeing how far I have come because every time I look in the mirror I see the old me, I see the skin that hangs.  I feel that everyone else can see it.  I have stopped wanting my husband to love me because I feel to disgusting in my skin.  I don’t feel I deserve to be loved or to be happy because well I did this to myself.  I let myself go for years.  I allowed myself to eat my emotions when I knew there were other options.

I have been so stuck with my life that I just didn’t care and now that I do maybe me looking this way is a form of punishment.  Again, no one else can see this it is a personal thing that I know exists.  Fitting I guess that I work in the mental health field as those are too often the hidden illness’ that no one sees and no one gets.  So, at the end of the day, I want to have this surgery.  At the end of the day I can’t afford to have this surgery.  It will cause issues in my marriage because it will cause financial issues.  Won’t it cause issues though because of the resentment I might hold for not being able to do it.  I don’t want to feel this.

I want to work hard again to finish losing the weight but no matter what I do, the skin will not go away.  The skin will remain and maybe I need to hold it close because it is the scar I have to remind me that I have done so much and where I never can go back to.