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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

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failure

Why

Why am I so focused on skin removal surgery?  I went for a consult today at a great facility in PA.  I know the surgeon so I figured I would give it a shot and see what he had to say.  On a plus side I am great candidate for surgery.  I am no longer “morbidly obese” his words not mine (yeah) and all should be fine.

The downside continues to be the cost of the surgery.  With it being just over $9K there is no way that I can afford to do something like that.  I am raising two kids and trying to run a successful business.  My husband has a good job but we just don’t have that kind of money to spend on me.  Now people would argue that I have put in a ton of work to get to where I am and why not be happy etc, etc.

I guess my response to that is why can’t I be happy in the body I am in and be proud of the skin and the scars and the extra because it represents how far I have come….  The issue is I guess what I see every say when I look in the mirror. I don’t see the me everyone else sees I constantly see the me who was well over 230lbs and struggling to tie my shoes or to play with my girls.  While I know I am not that person today that is what I still see and seeing that is often very difficult to wrap my brain around.  The skin causes other issues.  If I am not careful I get sores and it makes clothes shopping very difficult.

I can’t guarantee it but I am almost positive some of my injury could be contributed to the skin as well.  I have back and hip issues that I have finally had a doctor agree that this is part of the problem.  However I can’t get the insurance to see it that way.  It has been suggested I travel to Boston there potentially is a team of doctors there that will try and help get it covered by the insurance but that is a distance to go and why can’t the doctors here do the same thing for me???

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Setbacks

The past week has been riddled with setbacks.  I seem to have re-injured my hip last week.  I did too much cardio and knew it and yet the next day still got up and tried to do a leg workout.  Well that was all I needed to know that it was a bad bad choice.  I immediately started limping and well haven’t been the same since.  I have struggled with this injury for over a year now and I fear that I will not be able to run long distances.

I watched friends post about running NYC yesterday the race that I was suppose to run.  The race that I was training for and wanted so bad to run.  I thought all day yesterday I should have just run.  F it who cares about this injury I should have just done it.  What if I never get this opportunity again, what if I can’t train, what if I can’t ever run this distance?  All these scenarios going through my head all day.

Yes I know that if I had done it I would have further injured myself, yes I know that there is still a possibility that I will be able to train and run this race next year ( I deferred my entry to next year).  So I was suppose to do a 5K on Thanksgiving and not sure if I will be able to do that or not at this point.  Hopefully but not overly impressed with that as an option.

Plan B, get healthy, start building miles again starting 12/5 this gives me 8 weeks to build up a base again.  Then I will follow a 12 week training plan to hopefully run a half on 4/22.  If all goes well (fingers crossed) I will have 2 weeks off and then will begin a Galloway training plan for NYC.  Galloway plans or decidedly longer but it will give me an opportunity to slow build my mileage and train smart.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to focus on my nutrition.  I have added vitamin D, Omega-3 and MCT oil to my diet. Trying some new food also.  I am going to continue to strengthen my upper body and core as this will be key in the endurance of running a marathon.  I will continue to do yoga both in class and on my own as much as possible so that I can strengthen the muscle that is damaged.

I have a plan and while it may have to change six billion times between now and the completion, I feel better that I have a plan.  I am going to try and continue to try and fit the trainer in my schedule also although the cost is crazy I feel like I still need that piece to keep me motivated to keep hitting smaller goals.  Here’s to stop making excuses and start focusing on all the things that I can do.

Enough

I just want to put the last month behind me.  The anger with myself for not going to the doctor I trusted sooner.  The anger for not pushing the prior doctor to really see what was going on.  The fear of what if, because what if is here now.  I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity over my decision and the idea of not knowing what the future holds.

I am almost 39 and decided to start running at the age of 37 while weighing over 230lbs.  What the hell did I think was going to happen?? Did I honestly think this was going to be easy? That I would not have any injuries?  I am still not where I should be weight wise, while I am down over 60lbs I am not near where I need to be. I know that some of my injuries and issues are caused by my weight.  No one has outright said that to me but at the end of the day it is obvious.

I try my hardest under the circumstances and I don’t always succeed but I have worked my ass off for 2 years.  I think that is why I am so frustrated.  I have seen the work I have put in the effort, the amount I go to the gym and yet I have been stuck at this weight for over 6 months (well over).  Ok great, that means I haven’t gained anything and I should be really happy, but I haven’t lost either.  I haven’t lose any weight!!!  I work out almost every day, I don’t eat nearly as poorly as I used to and yet here I am stuck.

I have had ENOUGH!!  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to hurt just sitting here typing this.  I want to feel better.   I am sick of feeling like crying over stupid things because I can’t do something.  I want my life back.  It’s time to refocus.  Gain a different perspective.  But how do I do that.  How do I gain a new focus when the one I have had is all I have known for these past 2 years.  It is what has got me through the struggles of life learning how to take care of myself, how to focus on the new good parts of me.  I know I sound like a broken record but this is difficult.

I am not giving up on running but I can not focus on that right now.  I am going to continue to rehab but I am not going to push it.  I am not going to push PT to let me run or even ask for that matter.  When my body is ready my body will be ready.  I am going to focus on the other parts of me that need work.  My upper body, my core and my mind.  Focus on the things I have control over.  I can get a stronger core ( I will need that to run a marathon), I can get a stronger upper body (who doesn’t want that) and I will learn to get out of my head more and trust the process.

I will continue to focus more on my nutrition and all the things I can do versus the ONE thing that I can not do right now.

Excitement then Fear

On Friday I got news from PT that I could start running on a modified schedule.  So to start week 1 I can do a run of .25 miles a walk of .25 miles and then repeat one time and that is all. So that is a total of 1 mile and I can do that 3-4x during the week.  Every week that increases for approximately 7 weeks or until I feel 100%.  Talk about sheer excitement just that fact that I can run.

Now granted there are some stipulations, the run needs to be run/walk intervals, no treadmill and I need to tape my leg.  So again, pure joy at hearing this.  I was so excited to get up this morning and try to do this.  Then I woke up and fear set in.  Fear of the unknown, fear of my leg hurting, fear of me not being able to run at all.  So I said you have to do this at some point.

Got up, got dressed and heading to a local park that has a soft gravel trail at about 6:40am. I figured the earlier the better as the humidity here has not been great.  Anyway, I did it.  I did one mile and I followed all the rules.  I did it in 13:24 which may sound pretty dismal to most but considering when I started 2 years ago I was slower than that I will take it.  I think I am afraid to admit though that I might not have been ready.  My first few steps I felt a little twinge and got scared but I said I need to give it time.  It has been 3 weeks maybe it just needs to warm up a little.

Needless to say I think I am realizing that my fears have come to fruition. My leg does not feel right, I have been getting pains in the back of my leg most of the day even when sitting.  I am ok just walking around taking it easy but it is not pain free.  Maybe it is just because today was the first day, who knows. Tomorrow I might wake up and feel great and feel like I can do it again, but right now I don’t think I can.

PT gave me the ok to do the 5 mile race I have on the 9th as long as I was feeling ok, and after today I don’t think I can do the 5 miles, not if after 1 mile I feel like this.  I can’t risk getting anymore hurt and really jeopardizing my ability to train for NYC (which I am doubting I will be able to do). I am angry, sad, frustrated and just want to cry today.  I can’t explain why this is so difficult for me.  I wish that I could.  At the end of the day I know that I can find something else to make me happy, something to replace running and to make me feel good, but I don’t want to.  I want to be able to run without the pain.  I want to be able to enjoy the miles I know I can do.

I want to train for NYC and be able to finish that marathon and now I feel like those dreams, those goals are failing and may never come true.  I feel defeated in the worst way. I should have waited, I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard to do this.  I should have just given myself the time to really heal.  I have no one to blame for this but me and I think that makes this even worse.

Failure Means Success

“Failing at a workout means you succeeded because you gave it your all” (Trainer Brian @crunchnorthbrunswick.com ) Interesting concept considering my entire existence as of late has been based around the fear of success.  You see I don’t mind failure because I am so used to it.  I have tried and failed at getting healthy more times than I can count.  So in reality I am not afraid of failure it is the success that scares me.

As a kid, my dad was pretty hard on us.  It was always if you got an A- it should have been an A, you made varsity well great but why aren’t you starting.  I grew up trying to always please other people instead of focusing on the person who mattered most.  Today’s training didn’t just show me how to improve my upper body strength it showed me that even failure can be success.

I have succeeded in these past 2 years because I still get up every day (almost) at 4:30am and go to the gym or kickboxing. I have made this a true lifestyle change.  It actually pains me that I can’t do as much as I want to do.  Getting injured wasn’t a failure, the not taking care of it wasn’t good, but the injury itself wasn’t and isn’t a failure.  I trained and completed 4 half marathon’s last year that isn’t failure because I didn’t finish in the time I wanted.  I succeeded because I got out there and tried something new.

In all of my failures I have somehow succeeded because I am where I am at today because of them.  So in my fear of success I have been successful all along.  I have chosen to do the things I do, live the life I live and have the business that I do.  All of those came out of fear and then success.   I chose to get healthy out of fear of leaving my daughter’s without a mother.  Of dying young like my brother did.  I choose to run and work out because it makes me happy to do something for me.  To accomplish new things, to lift a new set of weights to do more pushups then I could before (pullups is an entire different story).  I choose to go into private practice so that I could be home with girls in the mornings and have the flexibility to be there when they need me at school and camp events.  All of my choices in life have led me to where I am today.

So why then do I see my self as always failing.  Simple, I am the most critical of myself and my choices.  I often see myself as a failure of a mother because my daughter acts out or doesn’t listen, I see myself as a failure of a wife because J isn’t always happy.  I am a failure as a business owner because my practice is not busier, I fail as a woman because I am not the perfect size or have the perfect hair etc.  You name it and i will probably tell you I am not good at it.

I guide people all the time to be easier on themselves, to love themselves, find the good in what they do.  You think I would be able to do the same thing.  I am trying harder lately and hearing that today just made me stop and think.  “Failure is success”.  You can’t fail if you didn’t try and personally I would rather try than to sit back and let the world keep happening around me.  I did that for 30 something years and it didn’t really get me that far.  The past two years have been rewarding in so many ways and have some amazing people and friends along the way.

FAILURE IS SUCCESS

Random Thoughts

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and a lot of stress eating.  Not good on either end.  One of my daughter’s was sick this weekend and that of course did not help.  I have been struggling with the IT Band Syndrome and feeling as if I am at a lose.

I have been an emotional eater for as long as I can remember with binge eating being my go to stress reducer.  As usual I am better at helping others than I am at helping myself with anything.  I have books to read and discuss with others in my practice but I don’t do well with doing it on my own.  I get so angry at myself tough for doing this for going on a “binge”.  I have tools to use to not do this and yet this weekend I have just been overcome with an I don’t care attitude, one that comes all too easy lately that I just didn’t stop.

Of course I still meal prepped today so I have plans to try and stay on track as well as i can this week and find myself a plan that I can stick with.  At the beginning of the year I was writing down all of my exercise and really keeping track of what i was doing it.  I need to get back to that.  I need to be accountable for what I am doing and for how I am going to do it.

Plan:

  • Track all exercise
  • Track all food
  • Find and stick to exercise plan
  • Finalize marathon training plan
  • Go easy on myself!!!

My Path

I have had a lot on my mind lately and my mind is having trouble focusing because of this. I did my first race in Central Park, NYC yesterday.  It is on my bucket list to run there and I get to check that off.  Oh wait let me do that now….. ok done!!  And while I am excited I am just not in a good place emotionally.  My time was subpar in my opinion but at the end of the day it should not matter as I finished.  IMG_5638

Today though I am jus this funk.  I woke up really sore and barely able to walk because of the plantar fasciitis in my right food.  Central Park is full of hills no matter which way you look at it and that is what did it for me.  Also though I picked this month to decide to get new office space for my practice.  What was I thinking.  In the past week, I signed a new lease, finished the yearbook for my daughters school and did a 10K race.  Umm hello.  Today I am just thinking of all the things I need to do before June.

I don’t get the keys until 5/23 and then will have to go in and clean and paint to make it mine.  I am sure I could just stick with the paint that is there but I know I wouldn’t be happy with it.  Then I have to move and be out of my old space by 6/15.  One month, I also have to notify all my clients that I am moving.  While doing this I am also trying to figure out how to better market my practice and get new clients.  I feel a new energy about my practice and I am hoping that I will be able to implement some new ideas now that I have this new space but I just have so much in my head.

I also have to think of the cost of moving, while I have some great friends, I do need some furniture, specifically a desk, desk chair and regular chair.  I am thinking of stealing the chair from my own living room since right now there are coats and junk sitting on it and I don’t know when the last time an actual person sat on it, lol.  I have been aimlessly searching craigslist and going to the furniture to see if I can find any deals.  I am just at a lose.  Forget about paint colors I can’t even think about that as all the colors I have thought I would like or have chosen have not been what I thought when I put it on the wall.  Just feeling the overwhelming sense of what have I gotten myself into.

Did I mention I still have to pick a marathon training plan and stick to it!!!  Wait scratch that and actually start it.  I need to find my love of running again.  Right now I love eating skittles and sitting on my couch.

 

The Scale

I am putting you on notice that I am breaking up with you!!!!  I have spent too much time and energy over the last 2 years focusing on what you have to tell me.  Instead I should be looking at the fact that I have shaved at least 10 min off my 5K time (that is with killer hills), I have successfully completed 4 half marathons (not to mention 30 something odd other races) and I will be doing the NYC Marathon this year.

I am done looking at the number you give me every other day and trying to figure out what I ate or didn’t eat that might be effecting that number.  I am strong!!  I go to the gym 6x a week at minimum and work out like I have never worked in my life.  I choose to meal prep for the week, I choose to educate myself and others on the benefits of eating healthy.  I will no longer be subject to the number you give me.

I am down from a size 18/20 to a size 8/10, I bought a size medium bathing suit for the summer and a size 8 dress for a party I need to go to soon.  You, scale, are no longer my friend.  I need to measure my victories in other ways.  I need to look at the fact that I can leg press 230lbs and squat 110lbs bench press 70lbs (hey it is getting there) and I can plank for almost a minute now (up from 30sec).

People tell me all the time how great I look and how far I have come and I need to celebrate that more.  I need to love the fact that I have more excess skin in my stomach because of how hard I have worked and that my bat wings add character, lol.  I have found a new love of running and strength training and well I absolutely love kickboxing.  Let me tell you, there is no better feeling then beating the hell out of that bag.  At my heaviest I would have never thought of doing any of these things.  Wait yes I would have but I never would have done them because well I would have thought I couldn’t.

So to everyone out there that is living by the number on the scale, break up with it.  It doesn’t define you, it doesn’t define your progress and it certainly does not need to be the only way you feel good.

Fear

Fear has totally taken over my life the last few weeks.  I am trying to figure out this marathon training and I am starting to stress over which plan is the right plan and what if I start too soon will I get burnt out, but what if i don’t start soon enough will I have enough time.  How am I going to keep losing weight when everyone tells me I am bound to gain weight, how do I keep strength training and kickboxing when I know I will have to be running more.  There are so many what if’s in the scenario and so many unknowns.

I am starting to wonder what I have gotten myself into.  Why did I think I could run a full marathon? Why did I even want to run a full marathon? How do I pick a plan? What is the best plan? How do I stay injury free? Am I even injury free now (doctor on 4/25)? Is this the biggest mistake of my life?

Yes these are questions I ask myself on a regular basis.  My eating has been less than stellar as of late and I could make a million and one excuses but there aren’t any.  I know better then to not eat before going to an event when I don’t know what the choices will be so that I don’t end up eating chocolate chip cookies, swedish fish, and peppers for dinner (yes seriously that is what I ate).  A year ago I never would have done that, I would not have even put myself in the position to do that.  So I live with these choices and hope that I can get myself back on track.  I am responsible for my own choices, I am responsible for my food and for making sure that i am the one how makes the healthy choice.  I don’t say I am cheating I made a bad choice.  This bad choice will come back to haunt me on the scale but I have to let fear stop having complete control over me.

I have lived with fear for so long. Fear of not being liked, fear of failure, fear of not being able to do certain things.  FEAR is my biggest enemy and my greatest excuse.  I haven’t done so many things because I have been afraid of what might be.  Never realizing what could be the outcome on the other side.  Yet I still live in the constant state of fear because typically when I make a decision someone will get hurt or be effected adversely and I don’t want that to happen.  I worry so much about what others think and feel that I often forget how to just be and that will often manifest itself in the other choices that I then make.  I need to figure out how to stop letting my fears getting in the way of my success.

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