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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

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Confidence

Most days, scratch that all days I lack this in most everything I do.  Today is no exception and it is probably even a little worse.  I did get out there and run 7 miles this am….13123390_10154185826571967_1789594908805920318_o

A pretty great accomplishment today with those pace times.  That isn’t the issue though.  I have to go to a party this afternoon.  I have to get dressed up in heels and a dress and go to a party.  Ok, I know this should not be an issue but I have not gotten dressed up like this in well ever.  I don’t do parties, I don’t do dress clothes.  You see part of losing weight is this idea in my head that I am still 235lbs.  No where near there I know and just a different person but I feel like I don’t have the confidence to pull this off today.  I promise to post some pictures later.  I did my nails already…..20160426_143204

Now that I am a Jambery consultant I have the world of nails at my finger tips. My daughter is great with make up at the ripe old age of 9 and will be helming me get it all set.  I am leaving my running watch at home (gasp I know) and wearing actually jewelry today.  Stay tuned people the best is yet to come.

Meal Prep Day

Sunday’s are always my meal prep days.  Well they have been for the last almost 2 years.  Once it became part of the routine it just became easy to do.  In total it usually only takes me about 30-40 min and I typically just prep dinner for myself of the nights that I work (Mon/Tue/Thurs).  Lunch is usually a tuna wrap or turkey depends on what I have and what I am in the mood for.  Today I decided to do a little more.

I made lunch for the days I am at work also ( I work 10am-8pm) so I am in there for a good bit of the day.  Today I found chicken sausage on sale at the local grocery store, Sun Dried Tomato (one of my favorite flavors).  I take the casing off the sausage and then cut them up and throw them in a pan, today I also cut up some red and orange peppers and threw them in there with it.  Since the sausage is already cooked it is just a matter of heating them up and I have a microwave at work so I will heat at work.  I divide into 3 parts and then I will have that for lunch in a wrap and probably some pretzels or goldfish.

Simple and easy and not a lot to clean up either.  For dinner I decided to give myself some protein and carbs.  I took ground turkey (one of the staples in my eating plan) and cook it then diced peppers (same colors as lunch), diced tomato, black beans and some salt/pepper.  I them cooked protein pasta and mixed it all together in a dish, sprinkled some cheese on top and baked in the over for a little while.  This will then get divided up into 3 (or 4 as it seemed to make a lot) containers and I will cook some sweet potatoes later to have with dinner or lunch depends on the mood.

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Simple and easy.  Trust me when it comes to food prep the easier the better but I still want it to taste decent.  I tend to stick with a lot of the same things during the week because I don’t want to spend all day in the kitchen on Sunday.  Since I am only at work 3 days a week it makes it a little easier although eating at home the others days isn’t always great but it has gotten a lot better.  I know a lot of people say they don’t have time to prep a meal, etc but really in the long run it is less time then it is to run to the convenience store or fast food for lunch.  I am busy just like everyone else.  This am I got up, went grocery shopping, ran a 5K race, went to lunch with my hubby, back to the grocery store to get fish to cook for dinner, picked up my girls at a friends, meal prep and now I can relax before I start organizing my room and working on dinner for tonight.

Like if about the choices we make, this has been hard to learn over the last year and a half, but my choices whether good or bad are my choices.  We all have a choice as to be the best version of ourself or the version we think others will want us to be.  Recently I have started to choice the version I want to be.

Human

I am human!!  I have good days and I have bad days.  My husband reminded me of something today.  I was telling him how I was feeling after the weekend and he responded with “Prior to the last couple years you would have let one day of crap win.  You won’t let that happen now.” He is right.  Today I was back at it, 2mile at the gym, trainer session for 30 min of legs and core work and then 30 min kickboxing.  I packed all my food and so far I am eating it.  I did stop for coffee but didn’t buy candy or extra stuff.

I feel                                                                 Because

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Discouraged                                                I haven’t lost anymore weight

Uncertain                                                    there are a lot of changes

Overwhelmed                                             yearbook, pto, running my business

Alone                                                              no one in the house eats or trains like I do

Afraid                                                              trying something new with the marathon

Hopeful                                                          I am no falling into old patterns

Lost                                                                  sometimes I don’t know what direction to go

 

This was something I started doing as I was working on my emotional eating.  When I started to grab food I would do this.  I have read and worked through the book “Life is Hard, Food is Easy” by Linda Spangle, RN, MA, and this is one of the chapters in this book.  It is very helpful to just go back and identify the feelings that I am having on any given day.  I don’t do it as much as I should and I thought this was a good of time as any to figure it out a little.  Life will never get easier, my girls will not be any less stressful but I have to find new ways to handle the issues that arise.

Yes I am a small business owner and yes that is overwhelming but how many people get to say that they love what they do for a living and truly enjoy going to work.  As much as I want a “real” job I know this is where I need to be.  As far as my journey to healthy I am closer to that goal then ever before but I don’t know why I can’t check off the box on my bucket list.

 

Week 2 Update

Week 2 was great!! I felt like I was finally getting in a grove especially with the bag work (which I love by the way).  Still not a huge fan of all the leg work, but that is only because my legs are on fire when I am done, lol.  I feel great when I leave and honestly wish the classes were longer than 30 min.

It has become a running joke that at the end of class I always say “that’s it?”.  I swear the class feels much shorter than 30 min which in my opinion is the sign of a good class.  Now down to the nitty gritty.  Have I lost any weight?  Am I down any inches?

So yesterday was my rest day from kickboxing.  I did go to the gym and did back and calves. When I came home I tried on some dresses that I had bought for a party that I need to go to.  I had bought one on Friday that I loved and wanted to show J to get his opinion.  Well he didn’t like it said that it looked weird in the stomach area (my biggest issues with my self confidence).  So I immediately went into this funk.  Now let’s also add on top it stupid National Sibling Day.  Seeing everyone post current pictures with their siblings was just gut wrenching since my brother died 7 years ago.  I did my best to stay away from FB but the ground work was already set.  From this point forward the day was a wash.

J and I went out to lunch and I just made poor choice after poor choice food wise, I found myself snacking on chips at home right before dinner (I haven’t done this in a very long time).  I just was eating to eat because I was sad.  Ready to throw in the towel and say Fuck it because why should I care anymore.  Just one of those days.

Still not sure how I feel today, but got up and went to kickboxing. I am up 3lbs from the damage yesterday.  It is what it is.  I will own it and make some decisions.  I know that it is stupid to give up but I am just tired of fighting for something that is just out of reach.

Do you like running?

That question was asked of me yesterday by my husband.  Initially when I read that I thought WTF??!!  Why is he asking me this, what does that have to do with anything?  So I thought about it and the honest answer is I don’t know.  I like the idea of being challenged.  I like the idea of trying new things.  Do I like running though?  I don’t really know to be honest.  I have days where I hate it and can’t stand the thought of running another mile.  Then there are moments when I feel like I wish I could run more and faster. My husband is trying to find his way and what he likes.  He doesn’t like running, he actually thinks running sucks and doesn’t quite get why I like it.  Sometimes I am not sure if I even like running though.

What is the point of this post?  The point is that I am confused.  I am confused with what I want to even do anymore.  I know I need to improve on my strength training to lose the rest of the weight.  I am loving kickboxing right now though but fear that I am doing way too much cardio.  Thus being totally counterproductive because I am not building muscle only burning it.  Catch 22, I enjoy my cardio but I have to find a better balance.  I also need to figure out how to stop getting injured doing the things I really like.

So the answer to the question is no I don’t like running, I really do love it.  I love how I feel when I do it.  I love that not even 2 years ago I couldn’t do it.  I love that I feel human and happy when I run.  I love challenging myself with new races, new distance and new people.   I just need to find a balance.  I need to figure out how to keep doing what I love but also keep getting healthy.

March 8, 2016

The day started out like any other.  You know the day that the NYC Marathon lottery happens.  Back in January I decided to put my name in the lottery.  Why?  No idea, just thought it was the natural progression of my journey.

Let me back track a little.  Three years ago I started a paper & pencil journal.  Old school style in a book, with pretty pens, lol.  I figured I was telling my clients all the time about the benefits of journaling so why not try it myself.  In the front of that journal I started a bucket list.  At first it was going to be 40 things to do before 40 but I couldn’t come up with 40 things so it just became a bucket list.

Some of the things on that list were:

  • travel outside of the US
  • get my passport
  • own a home
  • take the girls to Disney
  • run a half marathon
  • run a marathon

Say what??  I wasn’t even on my journey to fitness at that point.  I was overweight and miserable to say the least.  Why would I put those things on that list?  Who knows….  Well fast forward and I did get my passport, we went to Canada, we bought our home, took the kids to Disney and oh yeah I ran 4 half marathon’s.  Now there are a lot more things on this list and most of them have not been accomplished but I am getting there.  Let’s just pause for a moment though……..

In 2015 I ran (4) half marathon’s.  I went from contemplating weight loss surgery to not having it done, to running those half marathons.  Now I am not fast so let’s not talk about times.  So you see, the natural progression in my mind was to do a full marathon.  Everyone has said if you are going to do one NYC or Philly are the two to look at.  With that said I put my name in for the lottery.  And I then promptly forgot that I had done it.  You see after having twins (9+ years ago) my brain is often mush.

Thankfully a mom in one of my running groups (we will call her M) posted something the day or two before reminding everyone of the lottery.  So on the morning of March 8th I went about my day like anyone else.  Anyone else that is waiting to hear about the lottery.  I trained with my trainer at the gym, got the girls ready for school, went to yoga etc.  After yoga I decided to check my credit card statement.  You see I had heard that that was the way you really found out.  Well to my surprise I had a pending charge from NYRR.  What ???!!!

Are you kidding me?????!!!!!!! I was just accepted into the NYC Marathon.  This has to be a mistake there is no way that they chose me, there is no way that I will be running 26.2 miles in November.  I immediately called my mom because who else do you call when you find out this kind of news (I guess my husband but he was the 2nd call).  My mom was so excited for me. She actually walked to marathon’s when I was kid so it all just seemed full circle in our lives.  The rest of the day was sort of a blur, I had clients to see that afternoon/evening and I went through moments of being excited to feeling like I was going to throw up.  My husband is excited (at least I think he is, lol) and I am still scared.

So now the real journey begins.  I want to be closer to my goal weight when I start training and I have to come up with a training plan.  I have been doing my research and trying to see what is going to work best not just for me but for my family.  You see I still have to get the kids to school every day and be there for my clients while trying to figure out how training to run 26.2 miles is going to work.  I know I can figure it out but sometimes I get a little overwhelmed with the thought.

Oh and M did not get in the marathon this year 😦

Being Ok

So today has been somewhat an emotional day for a very odd reason.  Back in June of 2014 I joined Crunch.  It was the new gym opening less than 5 miles from my house and I thought why not.  I was ready at that point to start making some changes.  On July 3, 2014 I had my first training session.  This is where I met Martin.  Now let me describe Martin to you, wait never mind, just picture your typical young male trainer at any gym and then you have Martin.  My expectation were not high because how could he understand my journey.  I even wrote in my journal (yes I still have one of those too) on 7/24/14 ” I felt like he was telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough. I know my eating needs to change and I understand my progress won’t be the same but I need him to acknowledge little victories”  I didn’t speak up that day to him about it and less than a week later I wrote about how I thought I was bound to fail, nothing had worked so far, blah blah.

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That is a picture from my daughter’s birthday celebration at camp. That is what I looked like when Martin and I first met.

Ten days later I went in for my consult for WLS.  I will never forget when I told Martin I had the consult he asked me why.  He told me he thought I could do it on my own and that I really needed to stay focused.  So maybe he wasn’t the cheerleader I wanted but he was doing it in a way that I realize now worked.  I spent the majority of those first few months doubting myself and my abilities.  I would joke about my weight as a way to hide the pain of how I was really feeling inside.  Yet through it all Martin just kept pushing me forward.  P.S. I didn’t end up having the surgery.

Have we always agreed, hell no.  He hates how much I run but not once did he not say good job when I came in for a session after a race.  We have had our ups and downs and we took a break from training sometime in 2015 only to start again in the summer of 2015.

Well this morning was our last training session at Crunch.  I am not happy with how it all came about and it has nothing to do with Martin (that is for another post).  In the end though I am learning to be ok.  I was emotional this morning, but a little less emotional after the 121 pushups he had me do, lol.  I also know that if I need anything he is a mere text message away.  I have come a long way from 7/3/2014 not just with how much weight I have lost but with the idea that I am letting myself be held back.  I try new things, heck I did a rugged maniac last year.

Some people come into our lives in the most unexpected ways and for that I am thankful.  The banter that Martin I had was a lot like my relationship with my brother.  Never a dull moment when we trained together.  I looked forward to 6:30am Tues and Thurs to hear how short I am or how I act like a child when I don’t want to do things.  I will miss those mornings.  Most of all I will miss the friendship and the motivation and knowing that he was always there to push me further than I thought I could go.

Today though I realize that I am going to Be OK.

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This is me now.  This is the me that can now look in the mirror and almost, almost not see the girl from before (that is an entirely different struggle).  This is the new me.  The me that knows that somewhere somehow, I am good enough. So thank you Martin, thank you for all you have done and for helping this me gain a little more confidence every day.

 

Oh and P.S. although Martin may look the part he is anything but your typical gym guy.

Day To Remember

On 1/24/2009 my brother and only sibling died suddenly.  It was determined that he had congestive heart failure after his death.  For 7 years I have mourned this day in very different ways.  The first few years I was just numb to it.  Two years ago, my family and I left for Disney on that day.  Last year I think I just hung around in a funk.  Well this year I decided at the urging of a friend to do something different something that I love.

So Donnie’s run was born.  Well it didn’t turn out as planned since the Blizzard of 2016 decided to hit.  Well I was determined yesterday that I was going to run 7 miles in honor of him yesterday.  And that is what I did.

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It wasn’t easy as I have never run on the snow before (being new to this running thing).  Last year I would go to the gym if I had to run an the weather was like this.  Well this year I invested in Yaktrax Pro and off I went.  It wasn’t the best 7 miles I have run and it wasn’t the worst.  There were some tears shed, some hurdling of snow banks and dodging of plows.  In the end I did it and I felt great.  I am not going to lie and tell you that the day was any easier this year than in prior years but it was different.

On of the greatest things was to see the spirit of those around me who ran on their own and posted pictures dedicating the run to my brother’s honor.  I briefly looked at them all but some brought tears to my eyes and I tried to fight that yesterday.  This week I will go back and really process it all.  My only wish is that my brother’s fiance (Amy) and my nieces would be able to see it but alas due to family drama they will not.

I love you Donnie.  Thank you for being an amazing big brother and for having had the opportunity to have 31 years with you.

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