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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

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injury

Enough

I just want to put the last month behind me.  The anger with myself for not going to the doctor I trusted sooner.  The anger for not pushing the prior doctor to really see what was going on.  The fear of what if, because what if is here now.  I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity over my decision and the idea of not knowing what the future holds.

I am almost 39 and decided to start running at the age of 37 while weighing over 230lbs.  What the hell did I think was going to happen?? Did I honestly think this was going to be easy? That I would not have any injuries?  I am still not where I should be weight wise, while I am down over 60lbs I am not near where I need to be. I know that some of my injuries and issues are caused by my weight.  No one has outright said that to me but at the end of the day it is obvious.

I try my hardest under the circumstances and I don’t always succeed but I have worked my ass off for 2 years.  I think that is why I am so frustrated.  I have seen the work I have put in the effort, the amount I go to the gym and yet I have been stuck at this weight for over 6 months (well over).  Ok great, that means I haven’t gained anything and I should be really happy, but I haven’t lost either.  I haven’t lose any weight!!!  I work out almost every day, I don’t eat nearly as poorly as I used to and yet here I am stuck.

I have had ENOUGH!!  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to hurt just sitting here typing this.  I want to feel better.   I am sick of feeling like crying over stupid things because I can’t do something.  I want my life back.  It’s time to refocus.  Gain a different perspective.  But how do I do that.  How do I gain a new focus when the one I have had is all I have known for these past 2 years.  It is what has got me through the struggles of life learning how to take care of myself, how to focus on the new good parts of me.  I know I sound like a broken record but this is difficult.

I am not giving up on running but I can not focus on that right now.  I am going to continue to rehab but I am not going to push it.  I am not going to push PT to let me run or even ask for that matter.  When my body is ready my body will be ready.  I am going to focus on the other parts of me that need work.  My upper body, my core and my mind.  Focus on the things I have control over.  I can get a stronger core ( I will need that to run a marathon), I can get a stronger upper body (who doesn’t want that) and I will learn to get out of my head more and trust the process.

I will continue to focus more on my nutrition and all the things I can do versus the ONE thing that I can not do right now.

Excitement then Fear

On Friday I got news from PT that I could start running on a modified schedule.  So to start week 1 I can do a run of .25 miles a walk of .25 miles and then repeat one time and that is all. So that is a total of 1 mile and I can do that 3-4x during the week.  Every week that increases for approximately 7 weeks or until I feel 100%.  Talk about sheer excitement just that fact that I can run.

Now granted there are some stipulations, the run needs to be run/walk intervals, no treadmill and I need to tape my leg.  So again, pure joy at hearing this.  I was so excited to get up this morning and try to do this.  Then I woke up and fear set in.  Fear of the unknown, fear of my leg hurting, fear of me not being able to run at all.  So I said you have to do this at some point.

Got up, got dressed and heading to a local park that has a soft gravel trail at about 6:40am. I figured the earlier the better as the humidity here has not been great.  Anyway, I did it.  I did one mile and I followed all the rules.  I did it in 13:24 which may sound pretty dismal to most but considering when I started 2 years ago I was slower than that I will take it.  I think I am afraid to admit though that I might not have been ready.  My first few steps I felt a little twinge and got scared but I said I need to give it time.  It has been 3 weeks maybe it just needs to warm up a little.

Needless to say I think I am realizing that my fears have come to fruition. My leg does not feel right, I have been getting pains in the back of my leg most of the day even when sitting.  I am ok just walking around taking it easy but it is not pain free.  Maybe it is just because today was the first day, who knows. Tomorrow I might wake up and feel great and feel like I can do it again, but right now I don’t think I can.

PT gave me the ok to do the 5 mile race I have on the 9th as long as I was feeling ok, and after today I don’t think I can do the 5 miles, not if after 1 mile I feel like this.  I can’t risk getting anymore hurt and really jeopardizing my ability to train for NYC (which I am doubting I will be able to do). I am angry, sad, frustrated and just want to cry today.  I can’t explain why this is so difficult for me.  I wish that I could.  At the end of the day I know that I can find something else to make me happy, something to replace running and to make me feel good, but I don’t want to.  I want to be able to run without the pain.  I want to be able to enjoy the miles I know I can do.

I want to train for NYC and be able to finish that marathon and now I feel like those dreams, those goals are failing and may never come true.  I feel defeated in the worst way. I should have waited, I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard to do this.  I should have just given myself the time to really heal.  I have no one to blame for this but me and I think that makes this even worse.

Random Thoughts

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and a lot of stress eating.  Not good on either end.  One of my daughter’s was sick this weekend and that of course did not help.  I have been struggling with the IT Band Syndrome and feeling as if I am at a lose.

I have been an emotional eater for as long as I can remember with binge eating being my go to stress reducer.  As usual I am better at helping others than I am at helping myself with anything.  I have books to read and discuss with others in my practice but I don’t do well with doing it on my own.  I get so angry at myself tough for doing this for going on a “binge”.  I have tools to use to not do this and yet this weekend I have just been overcome with an I don’t care attitude, one that comes all too easy lately that I just didn’t stop.

Of course I still meal prepped today so I have plans to try and stay on track as well as i can this week and find myself a plan that I can stick with.  At the beginning of the year I was writing down all of my exercise and really keeping track of what i was doing it.  I need to get back to that.  I need to be accountable for what I am doing and for how I am going to do it.

Plan:

  • Track all exercise
  • Track all food
  • Find and stick to exercise plan
  • Finalize marathon training plan
  • Go easy on myself!!!

Relapse

I don’t talk about it often but I have an addiction.  My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs but to food.  Laugh if you must but it is real.  I have been addicted to food for a while and I also have an issue with binge eating as well.  I don’t talk much about it because most people don’t believe in it.  The past few days for whatever reason have been really hard on me emotionally.  In the past year and a half I have done really well with keeping track of these emotions and not allowing them to get the best of me but not the past two days.  I have not quite hit the binge eating but I can feel myself going there.  I certainly am using food though to comfort the emotional trouble I am having.  Hence the term relapse.

I am between clients right now and I drove to WaWa (there is one way too close to my office).  I got coffee, no biggie well I also got Skittles, now I know I am not really hungry.  How do I know this.  I ate at 12pm, I ate again at 2pm (high protein food) and then I ate 2 snacks before my 3:30pm even came in.  I know that eating isn’t going to do anything expect cause me to spiral even further but right now it is where I am at.   I did work out today and I know I am within my calories to eat the Skittles but it is not the point.  Candy has been my go to when emotional eating and when binge eating.

I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy, I am just putting this out there to hold myself accountable.  I know this rabbit hole is not good it is far from good and if I go to close I will fall in and I fear not getting out.  As much as a part of me wants to give up and just keep eating, the other part of me knows that it will not help me to feel better.

Today also would have been my parents wedding anniversary were they still married and my nieces birthday is in 4 days.  We no longer have contact with my nieces (since my brother’s death) and I think that is where a lot of this emotion is coming from.  I have no control over these situations and I am not a fan of not having control.  In addition my training sessions at the gym come to an end in two weeks and a part of me is scared to stop.  I am just finding a grove again with strength training and given that I might be injured (going to the doctor on the 25th) that is all I can really do to work out.

And with that I know where all the emotion is coming from.  Not able to run, scared of what is not in my control, missing my family, overwhelmed with work (what else is new) and trying to do too much as a mom/parent volunteer.  Time to take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation.  Oh and I didn’t eat the entire bag of skittles.

Do you like running?

That question was asked of me yesterday by my husband.  Initially when I read that I thought WTF??!!  Why is he asking me this, what does that have to do with anything?  So I thought about it and the honest answer is I don’t know.  I like the idea of being challenged.  I like the idea of trying new things.  Do I like running though?  I don’t really know to be honest.  I have days where I hate it and can’t stand the thought of running another mile.  Then there are moments when I feel like I wish I could run more and faster. My husband is trying to find his way and what he likes.  He doesn’t like running, he actually thinks running sucks and doesn’t quite get why I like it.  Sometimes I am not sure if I even like running though.

What is the point of this post?  The point is that I am confused.  I am confused with what I want to even do anymore.  I know I need to improve on my strength training to lose the rest of the weight.  I am loving kickboxing right now though but fear that I am doing way too much cardio.  Thus being totally counterproductive because I am not building muscle only burning it.  Catch 22, I enjoy my cardio but I have to find a better balance.  I also need to figure out how to stop getting injured doing the things I really like.

So the answer to the question is no I don’t like running, I really do love it.  I love how I feel when I do it.  I love that not even 2 years ago I couldn’t do it.  I love that I feel human and happy when I run.  I love challenging myself with new races, new distance and new people.   I just need to find a balance.  I need to figure out how to keep doing what I love but also keep getting healthy.

Join Me!!

Hey all join me starting now through January 2nd in the Holiday Sweat Challenge!!!

http://fitapproach.com/holidaysweat/

Find a way to stay healthy and fit til the new year.  I am sure I am not alone in saying that the holidays are often a difficult time with eating and exercise.  There is always something holding us back or getting in the way.  Let this challenge hold you accountable and give you some extra motivation.  I will be participating and look forward to it!  Let’s help each other over the next couple of months.

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I am still not able to run (one more week I hope). So today’s workout was a 50 min elliptical workout that I found on Pinterest.

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I admit I wasn’t sure about it at first but it wasn’t bad and I certainly got my sweat on that is for sure.  I am trying to find new things that I like and ways to keep myself motivated so that I don’t stop going to the gym.  My biggest fear is losing the motivation so I remind myself every day of how I have come and how much my entire life has changed.  Keep moving everyone. Progress not perfection…..

Struggle

So I am having a really hard time with this injury.  Part of the reason is that I still really don’t know what is going on.  I went to see the PA at the orthopedic office but I feel like I need a 2nd opinion.  However finding that is proving to be difficult.  I am still in a significant amount of pain and I have not been running.  I am still going to the gym though because I can’t not go at this point.  I just don’t understand the waking up in pain every day.  Today it is a sharp pain like someone is stabbing me in the butt area.  I know that isn’t good, but no one can really explain it.

I am trying my hardest to stay positive and focus on my nutrition and my strength training but it is difficult when I feel so helpless.

Acceptance

I am injured, there I said it.  Whew does that feel good…. I have been in denial about the fact that I am injured and have been for about 3 weeks now.  I have still however run 2 half marathons and a 5K and I will attempt to do my final race a 10 mile tomorrow.  I will however be taking it easy and just having fun (if that is possible).  I am having some muscle issues in my right leg near my hip and then in the back in my upper butt.  I saw a sports massage therapist yesterday who was amazing (http://prostarmassage.com) but it was painful!!!  I have never had any kind of massage before and boy I guess I needed it.

Last night was rough but I followed his instructions, hot shower for 8-10 min and then ice for 20 min before bed and I was able to sleep through the night.  Waking up this am the pain is more bearable than it has been and I am going 20 on 20 off until we have to go to belt testing for my daughter.  I have a hard time accepting that I am injured though.  I am fearful of backsliding in my nutrition and my exercise and afraid of letting others down.  Forget me!!

I know that I can do this and I have the power to continue to make positive change but it is not easy. Here’s to #befearlessbefree I will overcome this.

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