Search

Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

Category

life

Why

Why am I so focused on skin removal surgery?  I went for a consult today at a great facility in PA.  I know the surgeon so I figured I would give it a shot and see what he had to say.  On a plus side I am great candidate for surgery.  I am no longer “morbidly obese” his words not mine (yeah) and all should be fine.

The downside continues to be the cost of the surgery.  With it being just over $9K there is no way that I can afford to do something like that.  I am raising two kids and trying to run a successful business.  My husband has a good job but we just don’t have that kind of money to spend on me.  Now people would argue that I have put in a ton of work to get to where I am and why not be happy etc, etc.

I guess my response to that is why can’t I be happy in the body I am in and be proud of the skin and the scars and the extra because it represents how far I have come….  The issue is I guess what I see every say when I look in the mirror. I don’t see the me everyone else sees I constantly see the me who was well over 230lbs and struggling to tie my shoes or to play with my girls.  While I know I am not that person today that is what I still see and seeing that is often very difficult to wrap my brain around.  The skin causes other issues.  If I am not careful I get sores and it makes clothes shopping very difficult.

I can’t guarantee it but I am almost positive some of my injury could be contributed to the skin as well.  I have back and hip issues that I have finally had a doctor agree that this is part of the problem.  However I can’t get the insurance to see it that way.  It has been suggested I travel to Boston there potentially is a team of doctors there that will try and help get it covered by the insurance but that is a distance to go and why can’t the doctors here do the same thing for me???

Advertisements

New Start

Today was the start of something new.  I was able to do a leg workout with minimal modifications. To say I was excited was an understatement.  While I could have slept in and found excuses to not get up at 4:30am and go do it, I did not.  I got up and went.  Here is the thing though I am scared.  I am scared of getting hurt again so I am being cautious about what I am doing and how I am doing it.

Today I started slow, nothing major.  Weighted calf raises (something the PT is very adamant that I do to get back to running),  leg press, goblet squats, sumo squats, walking lunges and wall sits.  Then 30 min on the elliptical.  Sounds like a lot but it really wasn’t. Total workout was about one hour.  I have been given the ok to “run” as long as I do intervals and I increase my speed and mileage very slowly.

I asked yesterday if I might be ready to run a half in April.  PT thinks it would be doable if I build back my mileage slowly over the next few months before I would have to start a training plan.  I am going to look for longer 8-12 week plans so that I can train effectively for this and not overdo it.  I am hoping to be able to do a 5K for Thanksgiving (haven’t really put that out there until now).  We shall see though I don’t want to push my luck.  I am resigned to the fact that the two races I have left for this year I will not be able to do.  They are in the next couple of weeks and my body is no way ready for that and doing it would just set me back even further.

For me this decision is huge as normally I would just push through and let the chips fall where they may no matter what the consequence.  How do you think I got to where I am today??

As far as the eating goes, it is good and bad.  I am sticking right around the 1200 calorie mark, yesterday I was under the day before over so it really is a back and forth.  When I do go over it is never by much.  I do notice though that eating less seems to effect how I feel in the am getting up and working out.  I am more lethargic and feel like I have less energy.  I am sure I will get over that soon enough.  The hope is that this will be short lived and that my body will start to realize I am not in maintenance and the weight will start coming off again.

So I feel like I am starting over, a newbie just getting started in the world of working out and eating healthier but I can do this.  I am not at the beginning and I have more knowledge then I did two years ago.

Enough

I just want to put the last month behind me.  The anger with myself for not going to the doctor I trusted sooner.  The anger for not pushing the prior doctor to really see what was going on.  The fear of what if, because what if is here now.  I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity over my decision and the idea of not knowing what the future holds.

I am almost 39 and decided to start running at the age of 37 while weighing over 230lbs.  What the hell did I think was going to happen?? Did I honestly think this was going to be easy? That I would not have any injuries?  I am still not where I should be weight wise, while I am down over 60lbs I am not near where I need to be. I know that some of my injuries and issues are caused by my weight.  No one has outright said that to me but at the end of the day it is obvious.

I try my hardest under the circumstances and I don’t always succeed but I have worked my ass off for 2 years.  I think that is why I am so frustrated.  I have seen the work I have put in the effort, the amount I go to the gym and yet I have been stuck at this weight for over 6 months (well over).  Ok great, that means I haven’t gained anything and I should be really happy, but I haven’t lost either.  I haven’t lose any weight!!!  I work out almost every day, I don’t eat nearly as poorly as I used to and yet here I am stuck.

I have had ENOUGH!!  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to hurt just sitting here typing this.  I want to feel better.   I am sick of feeling like crying over stupid things because I can’t do something.  I want my life back.  It’s time to refocus.  Gain a different perspective.  But how do I do that.  How do I gain a new focus when the one I have had is all I have known for these past 2 years.  It is what has got me through the struggles of life learning how to take care of myself, how to focus on the new good parts of me.  I know I sound like a broken record but this is difficult.

I am not giving up on running but I can not focus on that right now.  I am going to continue to rehab but I am not going to push it.  I am not going to push PT to let me run or even ask for that matter.  When my body is ready my body will be ready.  I am going to focus on the other parts of me that need work.  My upper body, my core and my mind.  Focus on the things I have control over.  I can get a stronger core ( I will need that to run a marathon), I can get a stronger upper body (who doesn’t want that) and I will learn to get out of my head more and trust the process.

I will continue to focus more on my nutrition and all the things I can do versus the ONE thing that I can not do right now.

Failure Means Success

“Failing at a workout means you succeeded because you gave it your all” (Trainer Brian @crunchnorthbrunswick.com ) Interesting concept considering my entire existence as of late has been based around the fear of success.  You see I don’t mind failure because I am so used to it.  I have tried and failed at getting healthy more times than I can count.  So in reality I am not afraid of failure it is the success that scares me.

As a kid, my dad was pretty hard on us.  It was always if you got an A- it should have been an A, you made varsity well great but why aren’t you starting.  I grew up trying to always please other people instead of focusing on the person who mattered most.  Today’s training didn’t just show me how to improve my upper body strength it showed me that even failure can be success.

I have succeeded in these past 2 years because I still get up every day (almost) at 4:30am and go to the gym or kickboxing. I have made this a true lifestyle change.  It actually pains me that I can’t do as much as I want to do.  Getting injured wasn’t a failure, the not taking care of it wasn’t good, but the injury itself wasn’t and isn’t a failure.  I trained and completed 4 half marathon’s last year that isn’t failure because I didn’t finish in the time I wanted.  I succeeded because I got out there and tried something new.

In all of my failures I have somehow succeeded because I am where I am at today because of them.  So in my fear of success I have been successful all along.  I have chosen to do the things I do, live the life I live and have the business that I do.  All of those came out of fear and then success.   I chose to get healthy out of fear of leaving my daughter’s without a mother.  Of dying young like my brother did.  I choose to run and work out because it makes me happy to do something for me.  To accomplish new things, to lift a new set of weights to do more pushups then I could before (pullups is an entire different story).  I choose to go into private practice so that I could be home with girls in the mornings and have the flexibility to be there when they need me at school and camp events.  All of my choices in life have led me to where I am today.

So why then do I see my self as always failing.  Simple, I am the most critical of myself and my choices.  I often see myself as a failure of a mother because my daughter acts out or doesn’t listen, I see myself as a failure of a wife because J isn’t always happy.  I am a failure as a business owner because my practice is not busier, I fail as a woman because I am not the perfect size or have the perfect hair etc.  You name it and i will probably tell you I am not good at it.

I guide people all the time to be easier on themselves, to love themselves, find the good in what they do.  You think I would be able to do the same thing.  I am trying harder lately and hearing that today just made me stop and think.  “Failure is success”.  You can’t fail if you didn’t try and personally I would rather try than to sit back and let the world keep happening around me.  I did that for 30 something years and it didn’t really get me that far.  The past two years have been rewarding in so many ways and have some amazing people and friends along the way.

FAILURE IS SUCCESS

My Path

I have had a lot on my mind lately and my mind is having trouble focusing because of this. I did my first race in Central Park, NYC yesterday.  It is on my bucket list to run there and I get to check that off.  Oh wait let me do that now….. ok done!!  And while I am excited I am just not in a good place emotionally.  My time was subpar in my opinion but at the end of the day it should not matter as I finished.  IMG_5638

Today though I am jus this funk.  I woke up really sore and barely able to walk because of the plantar fasciitis in my right food.  Central Park is full of hills no matter which way you look at it and that is what did it for me.  Also though I picked this month to decide to get new office space for my practice.  What was I thinking.  In the past week, I signed a new lease, finished the yearbook for my daughters school and did a 10K race.  Umm hello.  Today I am just thinking of all the things I need to do before June.

I don’t get the keys until 5/23 and then will have to go in and clean and paint to make it mine.  I am sure I could just stick with the paint that is there but I know I wouldn’t be happy with it.  Then I have to move and be out of my old space by 6/15.  One month, I also have to notify all my clients that I am moving.  While doing this I am also trying to figure out how to better market my practice and get new clients.  I feel a new energy about my practice and I am hoping that I will be able to implement some new ideas now that I have this new space but I just have so much in my head.

I also have to think of the cost of moving, while I have some great friends, I do need some furniture, specifically a desk, desk chair and regular chair.  I am thinking of stealing the chair from my own living room since right now there are coats and junk sitting on it and I don’t know when the last time an actual person sat on it, lol.  I have been aimlessly searching craigslist and going to the furniture to see if I can find any deals.  I am just at a lose.  Forget about paint colors I can’t even think about that as all the colors I have thought I would like or have chosen have not been what I thought when I put it on the wall.  Just feeling the overwhelming sense of what have I gotten myself into.

Did I mention I still have to pick a marathon training plan and stick to it!!!  Wait scratch that and actually start it.  I need to find my love of running again.  Right now I love eating skittles and sitting on my couch.

 

Confidence

Most days, scratch that all days I lack this in most everything I do.  Today is no exception and it is probably even a little worse.  I did get out there and run 7 miles this am….13123390_10154185826571967_1789594908805920318_o

A pretty great accomplishment today with those pace times.  That isn’t the issue though.  I have to go to a party this afternoon.  I have to get dressed up in heels and a dress and go to a party.  Ok, I know this should not be an issue but I have not gotten dressed up like this in well ever.  I don’t do parties, I don’t do dress clothes.  You see part of losing weight is this idea in my head that I am still 235lbs.  No where near there I know and just a different person but I feel like I don’t have the confidence to pull this off today.  I promise to post some pictures later.  I did my nails already…..20160426_143204

Now that I am a Jambery consultant I have the world of nails at my finger tips. My daughter is great with make up at the ripe old age of 9 and will be helming me get it all set.  I am leaving my running watch at home (gasp I know) and wearing actually jewelry today.  Stay tuned people the best is yet to come.

The Scale

I am putting you on notice that I am breaking up with you!!!!  I have spent too much time and energy over the last 2 years focusing on what you have to tell me.  Instead I should be looking at the fact that I have shaved at least 10 min off my 5K time (that is with killer hills), I have successfully completed 4 half marathons (not to mention 30 something odd other races) and I will be doing the NYC Marathon this year.

I am done looking at the number you give me every other day and trying to figure out what I ate or didn’t eat that might be effecting that number.  I am strong!!  I go to the gym 6x a week at minimum and work out like I have never worked in my life.  I choose to meal prep for the week, I choose to educate myself and others on the benefits of eating healthy.  I will no longer be subject to the number you give me.

I am down from a size 18/20 to a size 8/10, I bought a size medium bathing suit for the summer and a size 8 dress for a party I need to go to soon.  You, scale, are no longer my friend.  I need to measure my victories in other ways.  I need to look at the fact that I can leg press 230lbs and squat 110lbs bench press 70lbs (hey it is getting there) and I can plank for almost a minute now (up from 30sec).

People tell me all the time how great I look and how far I have come and I need to celebrate that more.  I need to love the fact that I have more excess skin in my stomach because of how hard I have worked and that my bat wings add character, lol.  I have found a new love of running and strength training and well I absolutely love kickboxing.  Let me tell you, there is no better feeling then beating the hell out of that bag.  At my heaviest I would have never thought of doing any of these things.  Wait yes I would have but I never would have done them because well I would have thought I couldn’t.

So to everyone out there that is living by the number on the scale, break up with it.  It doesn’t define you, it doesn’t define your progress and it certainly does not need to be the only way you feel good.

Meal Prep Day

Sunday’s are always my meal prep days.  Well they have been for the last almost 2 years.  Once it became part of the routine it just became easy to do.  In total it usually only takes me about 30-40 min and I typically just prep dinner for myself of the nights that I work (Mon/Tue/Thurs).  Lunch is usually a tuna wrap or turkey depends on what I have and what I am in the mood for.  Today I decided to do a little more.

I made lunch for the days I am at work also ( I work 10am-8pm) so I am in there for a good bit of the day.  Today I found chicken sausage on sale at the local grocery store, Sun Dried Tomato (one of my favorite flavors).  I take the casing off the sausage and then cut them up and throw them in a pan, today I also cut up some red and orange peppers and threw them in there with it.  Since the sausage is already cooked it is just a matter of heating them up and I have a microwave at work so I will heat at work.  I divide into 3 parts and then I will have that for lunch in a wrap and probably some pretzels or goldfish.

Simple and easy and not a lot to clean up either.  For dinner I decided to give myself some protein and carbs.  I took ground turkey (one of the staples in my eating plan) and cook it then diced peppers (same colors as lunch), diced tomato, black beans and some salt/pepper.  I them cooked protein pasta and mixed it all together in a dish, sprinkled some cheese on top and baked in the over for a little while.  This will then get divided up into 3 (or 4 as it seemed to make a lot) containers and I will cook some sweet potatoes later to have with dinner or lunch depends on the mood.

20160424_144111

Simple and easy.  Trust me when it comes to food prep the easier the better but I still want it to taste decent.  I tend to stick with a lot of the same things during the week because I don’t want to spend all day in the kitchen on Sunday.  Since I am only at work 3 days a week it makes it a little easier although eating at home the others days isn’t always great but it has gotten a lot better.  I know a lot of people say they don’t have time to prep a meal, etc but really in the long run it is less time then it is to run to the convenience store or fast food for lunch.  I am busy just like everyone else.  This am I got up, went grocery shopping, ran a 5K race, went to lunch with my hubby, back to the grocery store to get fish to cook for dinner, picked up my girls at a friends, meal prep and now I can relax before I start organizing my room and working on dinner for tonight.

Like if about the choices we make, this has been hard to learn over the last year and a half, but my choices whether good or bad are my choices.  We all have a choice as to be the best version of ourself or the version we think others will want us to be.  Recently I have started to choice the version I want to be.

Relapse

I don’t talk about it often but I have an addiction.  My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs but to food.  Laugh if you must but it is real.  I have been addicted to food for a while and I also have an issue with binge eating as well.  I don’t talk much about it because most people don’t believe in it.  The past few days for whatever reason have been really hard on me emotionally.  In the past year and a half I have done really well with keeping track of these emotions and not allowing them to get the best of me but not the past two days.  I have not quite hit the binge eating but I can feel myself going there.  I certainly am using food though to comfort the emotional trouble I am having.  Hence the term relapse.

I am between clients right now and I drove to WaWa (there is one way too close to my office).  I got coffee, no biggie well I also got Skittles, now I know I am not really hungry.  How do I know this.  I ate at 12pm, I ate again at 2pm (high protein food) and then I ate 2 snacks before my 3:30pm even came in.  I know that eating isn’t going to do anything expect cause me to spiral even further but right now it is where I am at.   I did work out today and I know I am within my calories to eat the Skittles but it is not the point.  Candy has been my go to when emotional eating and when binge eating.

I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy, I am just putting this out there to hold myself accountable.  I know this rabbit hole is not good it is far from good and if I go to close I will fall in and I fear not getting out.  As much as a part of me wants to give up and just keep eating, the other part of me knows that it will not help me to feel better.

Today also would have been my parents wedding anniversary were they still married and my nieces birthday is in 4 days.  We no longer have contact with my nieces (since my brother’s death) and I think that is where a lot of this emotion is coming from.  I have no control over these situations and I am not a fan of not having control.  In addition my training sessions at the gym come to an end in two weeks and a part of me is scared to stop.  I am just finding a grove again with strength training and given that I might be injured (going to the doctor on the 25th) that is all I can really do to work out.

And with that I know where all the emotion is coming from.  Not able to run, scared of what is not in my control, missing my family, overwhelmed with work (what else is new) and trying to do too much as a mom/parent volunteer.  Time to take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation.  Oh and I didn’t eat the entire bag of skittles.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑