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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

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running

Setbacks

The past week has been riddled with setbacks.  I seem to have re-injured my hip last week.  I did too much cardio and knew it and yet the next day still got up and tried to do a leg workout.  Well that was all I needed to know that it was a bad bad choice.  I immediately started limping and well haven’t been the same since.  I have struggled with this injury for over a year now and I fear that I will not be able to run long distances.

I watched friends post about running NYC yesterday the race that I was suppose to run.  The race that I was training for and wanted so bad to run.  I thought all day yesterday I should have just run.  F it who cares about this injury I should have just done it.  What if I never get this opportunity again, what if I can’t train, what if I can’t ever run this distance?  All these scenarios going through my head all day.

Yes I know that if I had done it I would have further injured myself, yes I know that there is still a possibility that I will be able to train and run this race next year ( I deferred my entry to next year).  So I was suppose to do a 5K on Thanksgiving and not sure if I will be able to do that or not at this point.  Hopefully but not overly impressed with that as an option.

Plan B, get healthy, start building miles again starting 12/5 this gives me 8 weeks to build up a base again.  Then I will follow a 12 week training plan to hopefully run a half on 4/22.  If all goes well (fingers crossed) I will have 2 weeks off and then will begin a Galloway training plan for NYC.  Galloway plans or decidedly longer but it will give me an opportunity to slow build my mileage and train smart.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to focus on my nutrition.  I have added vitamin D, Omega-3 and MCT oil to my diet. Trying some new food also.  I am going to continue to strengthen my upper body and core as this will be key in the endurance of running a marathon.  I will continue to do yoga both in class and on my own as much as possible so that I can strengthen the muscle that is damaged.

I have a plan and while it may have to change six billion times between now and the completion, I feel better that I have a plan.  I am going to try and continue to try and fit the trainer in my schedule also although the cost is crazy I feel like I still need that piece to keep me motivated to keep hitting smaller goals.  Here’s to stop making excuses and start focusing on all the things that I can do.

New Start

Today was the start of something new.  I was able to do a leg workout with minimal modifications. To say I was excited was an understatement.  While I could have slept in and found excuses to not get up at 4:30am and go do it, I did not.  I got up and went.  Here is the thing though I am scared.  I am scared of getting hurt again so I am being cautious about what I am doing and how I am doing it.

Today I started slow, nothing major.  Weighted calf raises (something the PT is very adamant that I do to get back to running),  leg press, goblet squats, sumo squats, walking lunges and wall sits.  Then 30 min on the elliptical.  Sounds like a lot but it really wasn’t. Total workout was about one hour.  I have been given the ok to “run” as long as I do intervals and I increase my speed and mileage very slowly.

I asked yesterday if I might be ready to run a half in April.  PT thinks it would be doable if I build back my mileage slowly over the next few months before I would have to start a training plan.  I am going to look for longer 8-12 week plans so that I can train effectively for this and not overdo it.  I am hoping to be able to do a 5K for Thanksgiving (haven’t really put that out there until now).  We shall see though I don’t want to push my luck.  I am resigned to the fact that the two races I have left for this year I will not be able to do.  They are in the next couple of weeks and my body is no way ready for that and doing it would just set me back even further.

For me this decision is huge as normally I would just push through and let the chips fall where they may no matter what the consequence.  How do you think I got to where I am today??

As far as the eating goes, it is good and bad.  I am sticking right around the 1200 calorie mark, yesterday I was under the day before over so it really is a back and forth.  When I do go over it is never by much.  I do notice though that eating less seems to effect how I feel in the am getting up and working out.  I am more lethargic and feel like I have less energy.  I am sure I will get over that soon enough.  The hope is that this will be short lived and that my body will start to realize I am not in maintenance and the weight will start coming off again.

So I feel like I am starting over, a newbie just getting started in the world of working out and eating healthier but I can do this.  I am not at the beginning and I have more knowledge then I did two years ago.

Enough

I just want to put the last month behind me.  The anger with myself for not going to the doctor I trusted sooner.  The anger for not pushing the prior doctor to really see what was going on.  The fear of what if, because what if is here now.  I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity over my decision and the idea of not knowing what the future holds.

I am almost 39 and decided to start running at the age of 37 while weighing over 230lbs.  What the hell did I think was going to happen?? Did I honestly think this was going to be easy? That I would not have any injuries?  I am still not where I should be weight wise, while I am down over 60lbs I am not near where I need to be. I know that some of my injuries and issues are caused by my weight.  No one has outright said that to me but at the end of the day it is obvious.

I try my hardest under the circumstances and I don’t always succeed but I have worked my ass off for 2 years.  I think that is why I am so frustrated.  I have seen the work I have put in the effort, the amount I go to the gym and yet I have been stuck at this weight for over 6 months (well over).  Ok great, that means I haven’t gained anything and I should be really happy, but I haven’t lost either.  I haven’t lose any weight!!!  I work out almost every day, I don’t eat nearly as poorly as I used to and yet here I am stuck.

I have had ENOUGH!!  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to hurt just sitting here typing this.  I want to feel better.   I am sick of feeling like crying over stupid things because I can’t do something.  I want my life back.  It’s time to refocus.  Gain a different perspective.  But how do I do that.  How do I gain a new focus when the one I have had is all I have known for these past 2 years.  It is what has got me through the struggles of life learning how to take care of myself, how to focus on the new good parts of me.  I know I sound like a broken record but this is difficult.

I am not giving up on running but I can not focus on that right now.  I am going to continue to rehab but I am not going to push it.  I am not going to push PT to let me run or even ask for that matter.  When my body is ready my body will be ready.  I am going to focus on the other parts of me that need work.  My upper body, my core and my mind.  Focus on the things I have control over.  I can get a stronger core ( I will need that to run a marathon), I can get a stronger upper body (who doesn’t want that) and I will learn to get out of my head more and trust the process.

I will continue to focus more on my nutrition and all the things I can do versus the ONE thing that I can not do right now.

Excitement then Fear

On Friday I got news from PT that I could start running on a modified schedule.  So to start week 1 I can do a run of .25 miles a walk of .25 miles and then repeat one time and that is all. So that is a total of 1 mile and I can do that 3-4x during the week.  Every week that increases for approximately 7 weeks or until I feel 100%.  Talk about sheer excitement just that fact that I can run.

Now granted there are some stipulations, the run needs to be run/walk intervals, no treadmill and I need to tape my leg.  So again, pure joy at hearing this.  I was so excited to get up this morning and try to do this.  Then I woke up and fear set in.  Fear of the unknown, fear of my leg hurting, fear of me not being able to run at all.  So I said you have to do this at some point.

Got up, got dressed and heading to a local park that has a soft gravel trail at about 6:40am. I figured the earlier the better as the humidity here has not been great.  Anyway, I did it.  I did one mile and I followed all the rules.  I did it in 13:24 which may sound pretty dismal to most but considering when I started 2 years ago I was slower than that I will take it.  I think I am afraid to admit though that I might not have been ready.  My first few steps I felt a little twinge and got scared but I said I need to give it time.  It has been 3 weeks maybe it just needs to warm up a little.

Needless to say I think I am realizing that my fears have come to fruition. My leg does not feel right, I have been getting pains in the back of my leg most of the day even when sitting.  I am ok just walking around taking it easy but it is not pain free.  Maybe it is just because today was the first day, who knows. Tomorrow I might wake up and feel great and feel like I can do it again, but right now I don’t think I can.

PT gave me the ok to do the 5 mile race I have on the 9th as long as I was feeling ok, and after today I don’t think I can do the 5 miles, not if after 1 mile I feel like this.  I can’t risk getting anymore hurt and really jeopardizing my ability to train for NYC (which I am doubting I will be able to do). I am angry, sad, frustrated and just want to cry today.  I can’t explain why this is so difficult for me.  I wish that I could.  At the end of the day I know that I can find something else to make me happy, something to replace running and to make me feel good, but I don’t want to.  I want to be able to run without the pain.  I want to be able to enjoy the miles I know I can do.

I want to train for NYC and be able to finish that marathon and now I feel like those dreams, those goals are failing and may never come true.  I feel defeated in the worst way. I should have waited, I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard to do this.  I should have just given myself the time to really heal.  I have no one to blame for this but me and I think that makes this even worse.

Failure Means Success

“Failing at a workout means you succeeded because you gave it your all” (Trainer Brian @crunchnorthbrunswick.com ) Interesting concept considering my entire existence as of late has been based around the fear of success.  You see I don’t mind failure because I am so used to it.  I have tried and failed at getting healthy more times than I can count.  So in reality I am not afraid of failure it is the success that scares me.

As a kid, my dad was pretty hard on us.  It was always if you got an A- it should have been an A, you made varsity well great but why aren’t you starting.  I grew up trying to always please other people instead of focusing on the person who mattered most.  Today’s training didn’t just show me how to improve my upper body strength it showed me that even failure can be success.

I have succeeded in these past 2 years because I still get up every day (almost) at 4:30am and go to the gym or kickboxing. I have made this a true lifestyle change.  It actually pains me that I can’t do as much as I want to do.  Getting injured wasn’t a failure, the not taking care of it wasn’t good, but the injury itself wasn’t and isn’t a failure.  I trained and completed 4 half marathon’s last year that isn’t failure because I didn’t finish in the time I wanted.  I succeeded because I got out there and tried something new.

In all of my failures I have somehow succeeded because I am where I am at today because of them.  So in my fear of success I have been successful all along.  I have chosen to do the things I do, live the life I live and have the business that I do.  All of those came out of fear and then success.   I chose to get healthy out of fear of leaving my daughter’s without a mother.  Of dying young like my brother did.  I choose to run and work out because it makes me happy to do something for me.  To accomplish new things, to lift a new set of weights to do more pushups then I could before (pullups is an entire different story).  I choose to go into private practice so that I could be home with girls in the mornings and have the flexibility to be there when they need me at school and camp events.  All of my choices in life have led me to where I am today.

So why then do I see my self as always failing.  Simple, I am the most critical of myself and my choices.  I often see myself as a failure of a mother because my daughter acts out or doesn’t listen, I see myself as a failure of a wife because J isn’t always happy.  I am a failure as a business owner because my practice is not busier, I fail as a woman because I am not the perfect size or have the perfect hair etc.  You name it and i will probably tell you I am not good at it.

I guide people all the time to be easier on themselves, to love themselves, find the good in what they do.  You think I would be able to do the same thing.  I am trying harder lately and hearing that today just made me stop and think.  “Failure is success”.  You can’t fail if you didn’t try and personally I would rather try than to sit back and let the world keep happening around me.  I did that for 30 something years and it didn’t really get me that far.  The past two years have been rewarding in so many ways and have some amazing people and friends along the way.

FAILURE IS SUCCESS

The Scale

I am putting you on notice that I am breaking up with you!!!!  I have spent too much time and energy over the last 2 years focusing on what you have to tell me.  Instead I should be looking at the fact that I have shaved at least 10 min off my 5K time (that is with killer hills), I have successfully completed 4 half marathons (not to mention 30 something odd other races) and I will be doing the NYC Marathon this year.

I am done looking at the number you give me every other day and trying to figure out what I ate or didn’t eat that might be effecting that number.  I am strong!!  I go to the gym 6x a week at minimum and work out like I have never worked in my life.  I choose to meal prep for the week, I choose to educate myself and others on the benefits of eating healthy.  I will no longer be subject to the number you give me.

I am down from a size 18/20 to a size 8/10, I bought a size medium bathing suit for the summer and a size 8 dress for a party I need to go to soon.  You, scale, are no longer my friend.  I need to measure my victories in other ways.  I need to look at the fact that I can leg press 230lbs and squat 110lbs bench press 70lbs (hey it is getting there) and I can plank for almost a minute now (up from 30sec).

People tell me all the time how great I look and how far I have come and I need to celebrate that more.  I need to love the fact that I have more excess skin in my stomach because of how hard I have worked and that my bat wings add character, lol.  I have found a new love of running and strength training and well I absolutely love kickboxing.  Let me tell you, there is no better feeling then beating the hell out of that bag.  At my heaviest I would have never thought of doing any of these things.  Wait yes I would have but I never would have done them because well I would have thought I couldn’t.

So to everyone out there that is living by the number on the scale, break up with it.  It doesn’t define you, it doesn’t define your progress and it certainly does not need to be the only way you feel good.

Meal Prep Day

Sunday’s are always my meal prep days.  Well they have been for the last almost 2 years.  Once it became part of the routine it just became easy to do.  In total it usually only takes me about 30-40 min and I typically just prep dinner for myself of the nights that I work (Mon/Tue/Thurs).  Lunch is usually a tuna wrap or turkey depends on what I have and what I am in the mood for.  Today I decided to do a little more.

I made lunch for the days I am at work also ( I work 10am-8pm) so I am in there for a good bit of the day.  Today I found chicken sausage on sale at the local grocery store, Sun Dried Tomato (one of my favorite flavors).  I take the casing off the sausage and then cut them up and throw them in a pan, today I also cut up some red and orange peppers and threw them in there with it.  Since the sausage is already cooked it is just a matter of heating them up and I have a microwave at work so I will heat at work.  I divide into 3 parts and then I will have that for lunch in a wrap and probably some pretzels or goldfish.

Simple and easy and not a lot to clean up either.  For dinner I decided to give myself some protein and carbs.  I took ground turkey (one of the staples in my eating plan) and cook it then diced peppers (same colors as lunch), diced tomato, black beans and some salt/pepper.  I them cooked protein pasta and mixed it all together in a dish, sprinkled some cheese on top and baked in the over for a little while.  This will then get divided up into 3 (or 4 as it seemed to make a lot) containers and I will cook some sweet potatoes later to have with dinner or lunch depends on the mood.

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Simple and easy.  Trust me when it comes to food prep the easier the better but I still want it to taste decent.  I tend to stick with a lot of the same things during the week because I don’t want to spend all day in the kitchen on Sunday.  Since I am only at work 3 days a week it makes it a little easier although eating at home the others days isn’t always great but it has gotten a lot better.  I know a lot of people say they don’t have time to prep a meal, etc but really in the long run it is less time then it is to run to the convenience store or fast food for lunch.  I am busy just like everyone else.  This am I got up, went grocery shopping, ran a 5K race, went to lunch with my hubby, back to the grocery store to get fish to cook for dinner, picked up my girls at a friends, meal prep and now I can relax before I start organizing my room and working on dinner for tonight.

Like if about the choices we make, this has been hard to learn over the last year and a half, but my choices whether good or bad are my choices.  We all have a choice as to be the best version of ourself or the version we think others will want us to be.  Recently I have started to choice the version I want to be.

Relapse

I don’t talk about it often but I have an addiction.  My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs but to food.  Laugh if you must but it is real.  I have been addicted to food for a while and I also have an issue with binge eating as well.  I don’t talk much about it because most people don’t believe in it.  The past few days for whatever reason have been really hard on me emotionally.  In the past year and a half I have done really well with keeping track of these emotions and not allowing them to get the best of me but not the past two days.  I have not quite hit the binge eating but I can feel myself going there.  I certainly am using food though to comfort the emotional trouble I am having.  Hence the term relapse.

I am between clients right now and I drove to WaWa (there is one way too close to my office).  I got coffee, no biggie well I also got Skittles, now I know I am not really hungry.  How do I know this.  I ate at 12pm, I ate again at 2pm (high protein food) and then I ate 2 snacks before my 3:30pm even came in.  I know that eating isn’t going to do anything expect cause me to spiral even further but right now it is where I am at.   I did work out today and I know I am within my calories to eat the Skittles but it is not the point.  Candy has been my go to when emotional eating and when binge eating.

I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy, I am just putting this out there to hold myself accountable.  I know this rabbit hole is not good it is far from good and if I go to close I will fall in and I fear not getting out.  As much as a part of me wants to give up and just keep eating, the other part of me knows that it will not help me to feel better.

Today also would have been my parents wedding anniversary were they still married and my nieces birthday is in 4 days.  We no longer have contact with my nieces (since my brother’s death) and I think that is where a lot of this emotion is coming from.  I have no control over these situations and I am not a fan of not having control.  In addition my training sessions at the gym come to an end in two weeks and a part of me is scared to stop.  I am just finding a grove again with strength training and given that I might be injured (going to the doctor on the 25th) that is all I can really do to work out.

And with that I know where all the emotion is coming from.  Not able to run, scared of what is not in my control, missing my family, overwhelmed with work (what else is new) and trying to do too much as a mom/parent volunteer.  Time to take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation.  Oh and I didn’t eat the entire bag of skittles.

Do you like running?

That question was asked of me yesterday by my husband.  Initially when I read that I thought WTF??!!  Why is he asking me this, what does that have to do with anything?  So I thought about it and the honest answer is I don’t know.  I like the idea of being challenged.  I like the idea of trying new things.  Do I like running though?  I don’t really know to be honest.  I have days where I hate it and can’t stand the thought of running another mile.  Then there are moments when I feel like I wish I could run more and faster. My husband is trying to find his way and what he likes.  He doesn’t like running, he actually thinks running sucks and doesn’t quite get why I like it.  Sometimes I am not sure if I even like running though.

What is the point of this post?  The point is that I am confused.  I am confused with what I want to even do anymore.  I know I need to improve on my strength training to lose the rest of the weight.  I am loving kickboxing right now though but fear that I am doing way too much cardio.  Thus being totally counterproductive because I am not building muscle only burning it.  Catch 22, I enjoy my cardio but I have to find a better balance.  I also need to figure out how to stop getting injured doing the things I really like.

So the answer to the question is no I don’t like running, I really do love it.  I love how I feel when I do it.  I love that not even 2 years ago I couldn’t do it.  I love that I feel human and happy when I run.  I love challenging myself with new races, new distance and new people.   I just need to find a balance.  I need to figure out how to keep doing what I love but also keep getting healthy.

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