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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

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sibling death

Relapse

I don’t talk about it often but I have an addiction.  My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs but to food.  Laugh if you must but it is real.  I have been addicted to food for a while and I also have an issue with binge eating as well.  I don’t talk much about it because most people don’t believe in it.  The past few days for whatever reason have been really hard on me emotionally.  In the past year and a half I have done really well with keeping track of these emotions and not allowing them to get the best of me but not the past two days.  I have not quite hit the binge eating but I can feel myself going there.  I certainly am using food though to comfort the emotional trouble I am having.  Hence the term relapse.

I am between clients right now and I drove to WaWa (there is one way too close to my office).  I got coffee, no biggie well I also got Skittles, now I know I am not really hungry.  How do I know this.  I ate at 12pm, I ate again at 2pm (high protein food) and then I ate 2 snacks before my 3:30pm even came in.  I know that eating isn’t going to do anything expect cause me to spiral even further but right now it is where I am at.   I did work out today and I know I am within my calories to eat the Skittles but it is not the point.  Candy has been my go to when emotional eating and when binge eating.

I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy, I am just putting this out there to hold myself accountable.  I know this rabbit hole is not good it is far from good and if I go to close I will fall in and I fear not getting out.  As much as a part of me wants to give up and just keep eating, the other part of me knows that it will not help me to feel better.

Today also would have been my parents wedding anniversary were they still married and my nieces birthday is in 4 days.  We no longer have contact with my nieces (since my brother’s death) and I think that is where a lot of this emotion is coming from.  I have no control over these situations and I am not a fan of not having control.  In addition my training sessions at the gym come to an end in two weeks and a part of me is scared to stop.  I am just finding a grove again with strength training and given that I might be injured (going to the doctor on the 25th) that is all I can really do to work out.

And with that I know where all the emotion is coming from.  Not able to run, scared of what is not in my control, missing my family, overwhelmed with work (what else is new) and trying to do too much as a mom/parent volunteer.  Time to take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation.  Oh and I didn’t eat the entire bag of skittles.

Week 2 Update

Week 2 was great!! I felt like I was finally getting in a grove especially with the bag work (which I love by the way).  Still not a huge fan of all the leg work, but that is only because my legs are on fire when I am done, lol.  I feel great when I leave and honestly wish the classes were longer than 30 min.

It has become a running joke that at the end of class I always say “that’s it?”.  I swear the class feels much shorter than 30 min which in my opinion is the sign of a good class.  Now down to the nitty gritty.  Have I lost any weight?  Am I down any inches?

So yesterday was my rest day from kickboxing.  I did go to the gym and did back and calves. When I came home I tried on some dresses that I had bought for a party that I need to go to.  I had bought one on Friday that I loved and wanted to show J to get his opinion.  Well he didn’t like it said that it looked weird in the stomach area (my biggest issues with my self confidence).  So I immediately went into this funk.  Now let’s also add on top it stupid National Sibling Day.  Seeing everyone post current pictures with their siblings was just gut wrenching since my brother died 7 years ago.  I did my best to stay away from FB but the ground work was already set.  From this point forward the day was a wash.

J and I went out to lunch and I just made poor choice after poor choice food wise, I found myself snacking on chips at home right before dinner (I haven’t done this in a very long time).  I just was eating to eat because I was sad.  Ready to throw in the towel and say Fuck it because why should I care anymore.  Just one of those days.

Still not sure how I feel today, but got up and went to kickboxing. I am up 3lbs from the damage yesterday.  It is what it is.  I will own it and make some decisions.  I know that it is stupid to give up but I am just tired of fighting for something that is just out of reach.

Day To Remember

On 1/24/2009 my brother and only sibling died suddenly.  It was determined that he had congestive heart failure after his death.  For 7 years I have mourned this day in very different ways.  The first few years I was just numb to it.  Two years ago, my family and I left for Disney on that day.  Last year I think I just hung around in a funk.  Well this year I decided at the urging of a friend to do something different something that I love.

So Donnie’s run was born.  Well it didn’t turn out as planned since the Blizzard of 2016 decided to hit.  Well I was determined yesterday that I was going to run 7 miles in honor of him yesterday.  And that is what I did.

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It wasn’t easy as I have never run on the snow before (being new to this running thing).  Last year I would go to the gym if I had to run an the weather was like this.  Well this year I invested in Yaktrax Pro and off I went.  It wasn’t the best 7 miles I have run and it wasn’t the worst.  There were some tears shed, some hurdling of snow banks and dodging of plows.  In the end I did it and I felt great.  I am not going to lie and tell you that the day was any easier this year than in prior years but it was different.

On of the greatest things was to see the spirit of those around me who ran on their own and posted pictures dedicating the run to my brother’s honor.  I briefly looked at them all but some brought tears to my eyes and I tried to fight that yesterday.  This week I will go back and really process it all.  My only wish is that my brother’s fiance (Amy) and my nieces would be able to see it but alas due to family drama they will not.

I love you Donnie.  Thank you for being an amazing big brother and for having had the opportunity to have 31 years with you.

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