Search

Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

Category

weight

Why

Why am I so focused on skin removal surgery?  I went for a consult today at a great facility in PA.  I know the surgeon so I figured I would give it a shot and see what he had to say.  On a plus side I am great candidate for surgery.  I am no longer “morbidly obese” his words not mine (yeah) and all should be fine.

The downside continues to be the cost of the surgery.  With it being just over $9K there is no way that I can afford to do something like that.  I am raising two kids and trying to run a successful business.  My husband has a good job but we just don’t have that kind of money to spend on me.  Now people would argue that I have put in a ton of work to get to where I am and why not be happy etc, etc.

I guess my response to that is why can’t I be happy in the body I am in and be proud of the skin and the scars and the extra because it represents how far I have come….  The issue is I guess what I see every say when I look in the mirror. I don’t see the me everyone else sees I constantly see the me who was well over 230lbs and struggling to tie my shoes or to play with my girls.  While I know I am not that person today that is what I still see and seeing that is often very difficult to wrap my brain around.  The skin causes other issues.  If I am not careful I get sores and it makes clothes shopping very difficult.

I can’t guarantee it but I am almost positive some of my injury could be contributed to the skin as well.  I have back and hip issues that I have finally had a doctor agree that this is part of the problem.  However I can’t get the insurance to see it that way.  It has been suggested I travel to Boston there potentially is a team of doctors there that will try and help get it covered by the insurance but that is a distance to go and why can’t the doctors here do the same thing for me???

Advertisements

New Start

Today was the start of something new.  I was able to do a leg workout with minimal modifications. To say I was excited was an understatement.  While I could have slept in and found excuses to not get up at 4:30am and go do it, I did not.  I got up and went.  Here is the thing though I am scared.  I am scared of getting hurt again so I am being cautious about what I am doing and how I am doing it.

Today I started slow, nothing major.  Weighted calf raises (something the PT is very adamant that I do to get back to running),  leg press, goblet squats, sumo squats, walking lunges and wall sits.  Then 30 min on the elliptical.  Sounds like a lot but it really wasn’t. Total workout was about one hour.  I have been given the ok to “run” as long as I do intervals and I increase my speed and mileage very slowly.

I asked yesterday if I might be ready to run a half in April.  PT thinks it would be doable if I build back my mileage slowly over the next few months before I would have to start a training plan.  I am going to look for longer 8-12 week plans so that I can train effectively for this and not overdo it.  I am hoping to be able to do a 5K for Thanksgiving (haven’t really put that out there until now).  We shall see though I don’t want to push my luck.  I am resigned to the fact that the two races I have left for this year I will not be able to do.  They are in the next couple of weeks and my body is no way ready for that and doing it would just set me back even further.

For me this decision is huge as normally I would just push through and let the chips fall where they may no matter what the consequence.  How do you think I got to where I am today??

As far as the eating goes, it is good and bad.  I am sticking right around the 1200 calorie mark, yesterday I was under the day before over so it really is a back and forth.  When I do go over it is never by much.  I do notice though that eating less seems to effect how I feel in the am getting up and working out.  I am more lethargic and feel like I have less energy.  I am sure I will get over that soon enough.  The hope is that this will be short lived and that my body will start to realize I am not in maintenance and the weight will start coming off again.

So I feel like I am starting over, a newbie just getting started in the world of working out and eating healthier but I can do this.  I am not at the beginning and I have more knowledge then I did two years ago.

Enough

I just want to put the last month behind me.  The anger with myself for not going to the doctor I trusted sooner.  The anger for not pushing the prior doctor to really see what was going on.  The fear of what if, because what if is here now.  I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity over my decision and the idea of not knowing what the future holds.

I am almost 39 and decided to start running at the age of 37 while weighing over 230lbs.  What the hell did I think was going to happen?? Did I honestly think this was going to be easy? That I would not have any injuries?  I am still not where I should be weight wise, while I am down over 60lbs I am not near where I need to be. I know that some of my injuries and issues are caused by my weight.  No one has outright said that to me but at the end of the day it is obvious.

I try my hardest under the circumstances and I don’t always succeed but I have worked my ass off for 2 years.  I think that is why I am so frustrated.  I have seen the work I have put in the effort, the amount I go to the gym and yet I have been stuck at this weight for over 6 months (well over).  Ok great, that means I haven’t gained anything and I should be really happy, but I haven’t lost either.  I haven’t lose any weight!!!  I work out almost every day, I don’t eat nearly as poorly as I used to and yet here I am stuck.

I have had ENOUGH!!  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to hurt just sitting here typing this.  I want to feel better.   I am sick of feeling like crying over stupid things because I can’t do something.  I want my life back.  It’s time to refocus.  Gain a different perspective.  But how do I do that.  How do I gain a new focus when the one I have had is all I have known for these past 2 years.  It is what has got me through the struggles of life learning how to take care of myself, how to focus on the new good parts of me.  I know I sound like a broken record but this is difficult.

I am not giving up on running but I can not focus on that right now.  I am going to continue to rehab but I am not going to push it.  I am not going to push PT to let me run or even ask for that matter.  When my body is ready my body will be ready.  I am going to focus on the other parts of me that need work.  My upper body, my core and my mind.  Focus on the things I have control over.  I can get a stronger core ( I will need that to run a marathon), I can get a stronger upper body (who doesn’t want that) and I will learn to get out of my head more and trust the process.

I will continue to focus more on my nutrition and all the things I can do versus the ONE thing that I can not do right now.

The Scale

I am putting you on notice that I am breaking up with you!!!!  I have spent too much time and energy over the last 2 years focusing on what you have to tell me.  Instead I should be looking at the fact that I have shaved at least 10 min off my 5K time (that is with killer hills), I have successfully completed 4 half marathons (not to mention 30 something odd other races) and I will be doing the NYC Marathon this year.

I am done looking at the number you give me every other day and trying to figure out what I ate or didn’t eat that might be effecting that number.  I am strong!!  I go to the gym 6x a week at minimum and work out like I have never worked in my life.  I choose to meal prep for the week, I choose to educate myself and others on the benefits of eating healthy.  I will no longer be subject to the number you give me.

I am down from a size 18/20 to a size 8/10, I bought a size medium bathing suit for the summer and a size 8 dress for a party I need to go to soon.  You, scale, are no longer my friend.  I need to measure my victories in other ways.  I need to look at the fact that I can leg press 230lbs and squat 110lbs bench press 70lbs (hey it is getting there) and I can plank for almost a minute now (up from 30sec).

People tell me all the time how great I look and how far I have come and I need to celebrate that more.  I need to love the fact that I have more excess skin in my stomach because of how hard I have worked and that my bat wings add character, lol.  I have found a new love of running and strength training and well I absolutely love kickboxing.  Let me tell you, there is no better feeling then beating the hell out of that bag.  At my heaviest I would have never thought of doing any of these things.  Wait yes I would have but I never would have done them because well I would have thought I couldn’t.

So to everyone out there that is living by the number on the scale, break up with it.  It doesn’t define you, it doesn’t define your progress and it certainly does not need to be the only way you feel good.

Human

I am human!!  I have good days and I have bad days.  My husband reminded me of something today.  I was telling him how I was feeling after the weekend and he responded with “Prior to the last couple years you would have let one day of crap win.  You won’t let that happen now.” He is right.  Today I was back at it, 2mile at the gym, trainer session for 30 min of legs and core work and then 30 min kickboxing.  I packed all my food and so far I am eating it.  I did stop for coffee but didn’t buy candy or extra stuff.

I feel                                                                 Because

___________________________________________

Discouraged                                                I haven’t lost anymore weight

Uncertain                                                    there are a lot of changes

Overwhelmed                                             yearbook, pto, running my business

Alone                                                              no one in the house eats or trains like I do

Afraid                                                              trying something new with the marathon

Hopeful                                                          I am no falling into old patterns

Lost                                                                  sometimes I don’t know what direction to go

 

This was something I started doing as I was working on my emotional eating.  When I started to grab food I would do this.  I have read and worked through the book “Life is Hard, Food is Easy” by Linda Spangle, RN, MA, and this is one of the chapters in this book.  It is very helpful to just go back and identify the feelings that I am having on any given day.  I don’t do it as much as I should and I thought this was a good of time as any to figure it out a little.  Life will never get easier, my girls will not be any less stressful but I have to find new ways to handle the issues that arise.

Yes I am a small business owner and yes that is overwhelming but how many people get to say that they love what they do for a living and truly enjoy going to work.  As much as I want a “real” job I know this is where I need to be.  As far as my journey to healthy I am closer to that goal then ever before but I don’t know why I can’t check off the box on my bucket list.

 

Relapse

I don’t talk about it often but I have an addiction.  My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs but to food.  Laugh if you must but it is real.  I have been addicted to food for a while and I also have an issue with binge eating as well.  I don’t talk much about it because most people don’t believe in it.  The past few days for whatever reason have been really hard on me emotionally.  In the past year and a half I have done really well with keeping track of these emotions and not allowing them to get the best of me but not the past two days.  I have not quite hit the binge eating but I can feel myself going there.  I certainly am using food though to comfort the emotional trouble I am having.  Hence the term relapse.

I am between clients right now and I drove to WaWa (there is one way too close to my office).  I got coffee, no biggie well I also got Skittles, now I know I am not really hungry.  How do I know this.  I ate at 12pm, I ate again at 2pm (high protein food) and then I ate 2 snacks before my 3:30pm even came in.  I know that eating isn’t going to do anything expect cause me to spiral even further but right now it is where I am at.   I did work out today and I know I am within my calories to eat the Skittles but it is not the point.  Candy has been my go to when emotional eating and when binge eating.

I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy, I am just putting this out there to hold myself accountable.  I know this rabbit hole is not good it is far from good and if I go to close I will fall in and I fear not getting out.  As much as a part of me wants to give up and just keep eating, the other part of me knows that it will not help me to feel better.

Today also would have been my parents wedding anniversary were they still married and my nieces birthday is in 4 days.  We no longer have contact with my nieces (since my brother’s death) and I think that is where a lot of this emotion is coming from.  I have no control over these situations and I am not a fan of not having control.  In addition my training sessions at the gym come to an end in two weeks and a part of me is scared to stop.  I am just finding a grove again with strength training and given that I might be injured (going to the doctor on the 25th) that is all I can really do to work out.

And with that I know where all the emotion is coming from.  Not able to run, scared of what is not in my control, missing my family, overwhelmed with work (what else is new) and trying to do too much as a mom/parent volunteer.  Time to take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation.  Oh and I didn’t eat the entire bag of skittles.

FitCom Update

One week down.  Today actually started week 2 of it.  I did 6 days last week, 30 min each day.  It was a killer workout that is for sure and I sweat up a storm.  I am going to try to wear my heart rate monitor again tomorrow and see how it goes.  I tried on Saturday but with the gloves on I kept hitting the stop button I think on the watch.  Maybe I will put the watch on the other wrist to try it that way.

So I did weight myself this am although it was after the workout and eating breakfast (because I forgot to do it when I got up at 4:30am) and I stayed the same.  While I am not happy with that I guess I should be because it means I am not gaining.  I am just trying to figure out how to lose this weight.  I know a big part of it is my strength training and I really need to kick that up a notch it has just been hard.  I am training for a 10mile race that I have on 5/1 so I need to also run.  I have been neglecting my running but not fully focusing on the strength training either.  I think I am just getting bored and since I am almost done with my training session I am nervous as to where I go from here.

It was easy when Martin was training me I had a schedule to follow I knew what to do and I felt like I was able to stick to it.  I just need a change but don’t know how to come up with that change effectively.  I think my goal for this week is to do some research on some new exercises but to come up with a plan like Martin did and have it written down so when I go to the gym I know exactly what I am doing.

I was lazy this week with everything , yet I worked out every day but yesterday (Sunday).  I don’t know what is going on or why I am feeling this way.  Doing my best to stay focused now though and not allow the emotions of late to take over the eating.

FitCom

I will get to the title in a minute.

I realized lately that I needed a change.  I have gotten bored with my strength training and when I get bored I have a tendency to just stop doing something.  I think that is why I like running because I never get bored.  There is always a new trail, park or route to explore.  This keeps me feeling as if I am seeing something new every so often.  My previous trainer had given me a really good strength training program that I have been doing for a while, and that is just it I have been doing it for a while.  So time for a change.  I am currently doing some research on different exercises and focusing on increase the weight I am using to challenge myself.

My daughter has been taking TaeKwonDo at a local martial arts studio since August and we love it there.  The owner is amazing with the kids and he is great with my often difficult and distracted daughter.  Well they offer a lot of adult classes.  My husband at times does Krav Maga and I do yoga there when I can.  Recently he started working with another parent doing what he called FitCom (hence the title).  So when he said he was looking for a guinea pig I said heck yeah.

So the concept of FitCom is that most people are willing to sit and watch a 30 min Sitcom but people come up with excuses for why they can’t take 30 min a day to work out.  So FitCom is 30 min of your day 22 min of active work and 8 min of active rest (the length of a sitcom).  So we will be doing 6x a week for 4 weeks which is 24 sessions and we will see how the progress is. This week is week on.

I started yesterday 3/28 and my starting weight is 170 (I know I am putting that out there for the world).  I have maintained the same weight for 6 months which is amazing as a doctor told me yesterday because the majority of people who lose as much weight as I have tend to go back up.  My goal those is to get closer to 150.  Realistic?  Who knows but I will try.  I know that won’t happen in 4 weeks but if I can lay some different ground work then I can at least get a head start.

So over the next 4 weeks I will do weekly updates on the class and my weight as well.  I am also working on continued focus on my eating and trying to increase my water intake so there are a lot of factors in the mix.

Goals

So my goals for this week are to just make it through the week.

I am back to work tomorrow after being off most of last week (spring break for my girls).  I know I am going to have a bunch of messages and paperwork to do.  Both things I hate.  In the meantime I need to get back into my routine of getting up at 4:30am and getting my workout in.

I am starting a new workout program tomorrow am.  So, I will be doing my usual strength training and treadmill class and then heading over to this place to do a 30 min session.  I am going to be doing that 6x a week but going to still try to maintain my normal running and strength training schedule.  Yes, it might be ambitious but hoping it will help get me out of this funk.

Once I am a little more into this new routine I will share because I actually think the concept of it is really great and hoping that it could become something in the long run.  It just means trying to fit that into an already crazy schedule.  Thankfully he is flexible.

So this weeks Goals:

  • 6x week new class
  • Mon, Wed, Fri run at least 3 miles
  • Sunday 6 miles
  • Tues trainer
  • Mon, Thurs, Fri and Sat strength training
  • oh and I need a yoga class or two.

Hmm we shall see.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑