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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

Excitement then Fear

On Friday I got news from PT that I could start running on a modified schedule.  So to start week 1 I can do a run of .25 miles a walk of .25 miles and then repeat one time and that is all. So that is a total of 1 mile and I can do that 3-4x during the week.  Every week that increases for approximately 7 weeks or until I feel 100%.  Talk about sheer excitement just that fact that I can run.

Now granted there are some stipulations, the run needs to be run/walk intervals, no treadmill and I need to tape my leg.  So again, pure joy at hearing this.  I was so excited to get up this morning and try to do this.  Then I woke up and fear set in.  Fear of the unknown, fear of my leg hurting, fear of me not being able to run at all.  So I said you have to do this at some point.

Got up, got dressed and heading to a local park that has a soft gravel trail at about 6:40am. I figured the earlier the better as the humidity here has not been great.  Anyway, I did it.  I did one mile and I followed all the rules.  I did it in 13:24 which may sound pretty dismal to most but considering when I started 2 years ago I was slower than that I will take it.  I think I am afraid to admit though that I might not have been ready.  My first few steps I felt a little twinge and got scared but I said I need to give it time.  It has been 3 weeks maybe it just needs to warm up a little.

Needless to say I think I am realizing that my fears have come to fruition. My leg does not feel right, I have been getting pains in the back of my leg most of the day even when sitting.  I am ok just walking around taking it easy but it is not pain free.  Maybe it is just because today was the first day, who knows. Tomorrow I might wake up and feel great and feel like I can do it again, but right now I don’t think I can.

PT gave me the ok to do the 5 mile race I have on the 9th as long as I was feeling ok, and after today I don’t think I can do the 5 miles, not if after 1 mile I feel like this.  I can’t risk getting anymore hurt and really jeopardizing my ability to train for NYC (which I am doubting I will be able to do). I am angry, sad, frustrated and just want to cry today.  I can’t explain why this is so difficult for me.  I wish that I could.  At the end of the day I know that I can find something else to make me happy, something to replace running and to make me feel good, but I don’t want to.  I want to be able to run without the pain.  I want to be able to enjoy the miles I know I can do.

I want to train for NYC and be able to finish that marathon and now I feel like those dreams, those goals are failing and may never come true.  I feel defeated in the worst way. I should have waited, I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard to do this.  I should have just given myself the time to really heal.  I have no one to blame for this but me and I think that makes this even worse.

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Failure Means Success

“Failing at a workout means you succeeded because you gave it your all” (Trainer Brian @crunchnorthbrunswick.com ) Interesting concept considering my entire existence as of late has been based around the fear of success.  You see I don’t mind failure because I am so used to it.  I have tried and failed at getting healthy more times than I can count.  So in reality I am not afraid of failure it is the success that scares me.

As a kid, my dad was pretty hard on us.  It was always if you got an A- it should have been an A, you made varsity well great but why aren’t you starting.  I grew up trying to always please other people instead of focusing on the person who mattered most.  Today’s training didn’t just show me how to improve my upper body strength it showed me that even failure can be success.

I have succeeded in these past 2 years because I still get up every day (almost) at 4:30am and go to the gym or kickboxing. I have made this a true lifestyle change.  It actually pains me that I can’t do as much as I want to do.  Getting injured wasn’t a failure, the not taking care of it wasn’t good, but the injury itself wasn’t and isn’t a failure.  I trained and completed 4 half marathon’s last year that isn’t failure because I didn’t finish in the time I wanted.  I succeeded because I got out there and tried something new.

In all of my failures I have somehow succeeded because I am where I am at today because of them.  So in my fear of success I have been successful all along.  I have chosen to do the things I do, live the life I live and have the business that I do.  All of those came out of fear and then success.   I chose to get healthy out of fear of leaving my daughter’s without a mother.  Of dying young like my brother did.  I choose to run and work out because it makes me happy to do something for me.  To accomplish new things, to lift a new set of weights to do more pushups then I could before (pullups is an entire different story).  I choose to go into private practice so that I could be home with girls in the mornings and have the flexibility to be there when they need me at school and camp events.  All of my choices in life have led me to where I am today.

So why then do I see my self as always failing.  Simple, I am the most critical of myself and my choices.  I often see myself as a failure of a mother because my daughter acts out or doesn’t listen, I see myself as a failure of a wife because J isn’t always happy.  I am a failure as a business owner because my practice is not busier, I fail as a woman because I am not the perfect size or have the perfect hair etc.  You name it and i will probably tell you I am not good at it.

I guide people all the time to be easier on themselves, to love themselves, find the good in what they do.  You think I would be able to do the same thing.  I am trying harder lately and hearing that today just made me stop and think.  “Failure is success”.  You can’t fail if you didn’t try and personally I would rather try than to sit back and let the world keep happening around me.  I did that for 30 something years and it didn’t really get me that far.  The past two years have been rewarding in so many ways and have some amazing people and friends along the way.

FAILURE IS SUCCESS

Random Thoughts

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and a lot of stress eating.  Not good on either end.  One of my daughter’s was sick this weekend and that of course did not help.  I have been struggling with the IT Band Syndrome and feeling as if I am at a lose.

I have been an emotional eater for as long as I can remember with binge eating being my go to stress reducer.  As usual I am better at helping others than I am at helping myself with anything.  I have books to read and discuss with others in my practice but I don’t do well with doing it on my own.  I get so angry at myself tough for doing this for going on a “binge”.  I have tools to use to not do this and yet this weekend I have just been overcome with an I don’t care attitude, one that comes all too easy lately that I just didn’t stop.

Of course I still meal prepped today so I have plans to try and stay on track as well as i can this week and find myself a plan that I can stick with.  At the beginning of the year I was writing down all of my exercise and really keeping track of what i was doing it.  I need to get back to that.  I need to be accountable for what I am doing and for how I am going to do it.

Plan:

  • Track all exercise
  • Track all food
  • Find and stick to exercise plan
  • Finalize marathon training plan
  • Go easy on myself!!!

Sidelined

As I sit on the sideline now, a sad puppy looking on as other people do the things I love, I am trying to keep my focus.  reminding myself that this will help me in the long run and not hurt me.  I was at the gym this morning doing a short upper body/ab workout and then 4 miles on the bike while I watched my trainer train someone else.  They were doing a lot of the exercises I love doing and miss doing.  Now I know it is only for 2 weeks and I know there are plenty of people who can’t work out at all and I should be grateful and I am.  It doesn’t mean though that I don’t feel pangs of jealousy as I watch someone else doing what I want to be doing.

I tell people all the time in my practice that sometimes we have to focus on the smaller pieces of the puzzle before we can see the entire thing together.  I am trying very hard to remind myself of this in my own life.  I need to put the edges together to make the puzzle work.  The edges are my nutrition, PT and focus on how to get stronger without running my body down.  There is a sense of anger in myself though at times.  Anger that I didn’t go to see this doctor sooner.  Anger that I wasn’t more forceful in March when I went to go see a doctor and didn’t really agree with what he said.  I think I was ready to hear what might be really wrong anyway.

So the healing continues, not just of my body but of my mind as well.  Trying to remind myself that I can’t have regrets.  Regrets only make the day longer and we forget to look forward when we keep looking back.

Tracking, Tracking and More Tracking

Tracking is the name of the game.  I admit that I have let my nutrition slip over the last several months.  I got comfortable in my own space.  I was eating all the same things and wasn’t really paying attention.  Then this ITBS happened and I thought hmm, I need something to focus on while I can’t run.  So I met with my trainer at crunchnorthbrunswick.com this am and instead of doing a regular training session, Brian and I discussed nutrition.  We sat down and talked about calorie intake, breaking down my macros (protein, carbs, fat), and how to make it all work.  We did the dreaded body fat %, which I swear is off because of all my excess skin but there is no real proof of that, lol.

Bottom line, I am not eating enough of the right things and in general not eating enough and so for the amount I have been working out it is actually counter productive.  In addtion I am not eating enough greens ( I hate green veggies, well I hate veggies in general).  So I am going to focus on tracking again, got the app all up and going.  I am going to focus on my eating cues (back to the emotional eating) and eat when I am hungry not when I think I should.

This is also a place I am going to call home again, or my actual journal.  I haven’t been doing a lot of this lately and usually writing and journaling are like second nature to me when I am struggling.  So put the food down and focus on all the good things.  Also decided while I am taking a break from running and intense cardio I am going to still focus on upper body (it is my weakness anyway) and find some good workouts to start strengthening that.  I can’t stay out of the gym, no way no how.  The past 2 days have absolute torture not actually working out.

I am also going to try and find some yoga classes I can fit into my crazy schedule.  I was doing that pretty regularly for a while and then stopped because of schedule changes, now that my office is slowing down a little for the summer I am hoping to find a studio near there that I can sneak away for some mid day classes.

At the end of the day I have a plan.  My plan is to keep going because I will not give up.  I don’t know how to give up.  I will make this work for me and I will get stronger and healthier along the way.  Rebuilding the foundation that I started is what is important.  I will run the NYC Marathon in November because it is a dream and I know I can accomplish it.  It doesn’t matter how slow I end up being as long as I get it done.  So my training might be delayed a little it doesn’t mean I am not still staying strong in other ways.

I WILL do this.

 

PT

Yesterday was a really bad day. I fell back into some old habits and had a slight binge with my eating. Just when I think I am on the flip side it all comes back. The emotion around it, the why I do do, the guilt after. It all came flooding back. now this was nothing like a binge I would have had in the past and it was short lived and I moved one but I am still not happy with myself. I am struggling with the idea of not running ( I know I know) and also taking a break in general. I discussed with my trainer today taking a week off everything to really start the healing process. He is right I need to give my body the chance it needs to heal and I am not doing that if I am doing all these other activities even if I am not running.
 
I have a lot of fear though of the what if.  What if I take a week off and then I can’t get back into it?  What if I take a week off and I like it and decide to give up? What if a week doesn’t help?  
But then I am reminded that I can’t live in a world of what if. What if taking a week off helps me to heal? What if taking a week off makes me appreciate what I am doing even more?
Saying those things is one thing, believing them is totally different.  I fear falling into old patterns.  For almost 2 years I don’t know if I have taken a significant break.  A total no working out break.  Even saying that makes me cringe a little.  But I know if I don’t do this I won’t heal.
What is the issue you might ask?  Well officially my IT Band but after PT yesterday he believes also some periformus issues as well.  We are working a little on both and seeing where things go.  I am going to be going 2x a week and we will see where it gets me.  Of course it is all tied together as it is the same side and one couldn’t have played a part in the other and given how stubborn I am and won’t slow down I have not made it better.

My Path

I have had a lot on my mind lately and my mind is having trouble focusing because of this. I did my first race in Central Park, NYC yesterday.  It is on my bucket list to run there and I get to check that off.  Oh wait let me do that now….. ok done!!  And while I am excited I am just not in a good place emotionally.  My time was subpar in my opinion but at the end of the day it should not matter as I finished.  IMG_5638

Today though I am jus this funk.  I woke up really sore and barely able to walk because of the plantar fasciitis in my right food.  Central Park is full of hills no matter which way you look at it and that is what did it for me.  Also though I picked this month to decide to get new office space for my practice.  What was I thinking.  In the past week, I signed a new lease, finished the yearbook for my daughters school and did a 10K race.  Umm hello.  Today I am just thinking of all the things I need to do before June.

I don’t get the keys until 5/23 and then will have to go in and clean and paint to make it mine.  I am sure I could just stick with the paint that is there but I know I wouldn’t be happy with it.  Then I have to move and be out of my old space by 6/15.  One month, I also have to notify all my clients that I am moving.  While doing this I am also trying to figure out how to better market my practice and get new clients.  I feel a new energy about my practice and I am hoping that I will be able to implement some new ideas now that I have this new space but I just have so much in my head.

I also have to think of the cost of moving, while I have some great friends, I do need some furniture, specifically a desk, desk chair and regular chair.  I am thinking of stealing the chair from my own living room since right now there are coats and junk sitting on it and I don’t know when the last time an actual person sat on it, lol.  I have been aimlessly searching craigslist and going to the furniture to see if I can find any deals.  I am just at a lose.  Forget about paint colors I can’t even think about that as all the colors I have thought I would like or have chosen have not been what I thought when I put it on the wall.  Just feeling the overwhelming sense of what have I gotten myself into.

Did I mention I still have to pick a marathon training plan and stick to it!!!  Wait scratch that and actually start it.  I need to find my love of running again.  Right now I love eating skittles and sitting on my couch.

 

Confidence

Most days, scratch that all days I lack this in most everything I do.  Today is no exception and it is probably even a little worse.  I did get out there and run 7 miles this am….13123390_10154185826571967_1789594908805920318_o

A pretty great accomplishment today with those pace times.  That isn’t the issue though.  I have to go to a party this afternoon.  I have to get dressed up in heels and a dress and go to a party.  Ok, I know this should not be an issue but I have not gotten dressed up like this in well ever.  I don’t do parties, I don’t do dress clothes.  You see part of losing weight is this idea in my head that I am still 235lbs.  No where near there I know and just a different person but I feel like I don’t have the confidence to pull this off today.  I promise to post some pictures later.  I did my nails already…..20160426_143204

Now that I am a Jambery consultant I have the world of nails at my finger tips. My daughter is great with make up at the ripe old age of 9 and will be helming me get it all set.  I am leaving my running watch at home (gasp I know) and wearing actually jewelry today.  Stay tuned people the best is yet to come.

The Scale

I am putting you on notice that I am breaking up with you!!!!  I have spent too much time and energy over the last 2 years focusing on what you have to tell me.  Instead I should be looking at the fact that I have shaved at least 10 min off my 5K time (that is with killer hills), I have successfully completed 4 half marathons (not to mention 30 something odd other races) and I will be doing the NYC Marathon this year.

I am done looking at the number you give me every other day and trying to figure out what I ate or didn’t eat that might be effecting that number.  I am strong!!  I go to the gym 6x a week at minimum and work out like I have never worked in my life.  I choose to meal prep for the week, I choose to educate myself and others on the benefits of eating healthy.  I will no longer be subject to the number you give me.

I am down from a size 18/20 to a size 8/10, I bought a size medium bathing suit for the summer and a size 8 dress for a party I need to go to soon.  You, scale, are no longer my friend.  I need to measure my victories in other ways.  I need to look at the fact that I can leg press 230lbs and squat 110lbs bench press 70lbs (hey it is getting there) and I can plank for almost a minute now (up from 30sec).

People tell me all the time how great I look and how far I have come and I need to celebrate that more.  I need to love the fact that I have more excess skin in my stomach because of how hard I have worked and that my bat wings add character, lol.  I have found a new love of running and strength training and well I absolutely love kickboxing.  Let me tell you, there is no better feeling then beating the hell out of that bag.  At my heaviest I would have never thought of doing any of these things.  Wait yes I would have but I never would have done them because well I would have thought I couldn’t.

So to everyone out there that is living by the number on the scale, break up with it.  It doesn’t define you, it doesn’t define your progress and it certainly does not need to be the only way you feel good.

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