Enough

I just want to put the last month behind me.  The anger with myself for not going to the doctor I trusted sooner.  The anger for not pushing the prior doctor to really see what was going on.  The fear of what if, because what if is here now.  I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity over my decision and the idea of not knowing what the future holds.

I am almost 39 and decided to start running at the age of 37 while weighing over 230lbs.  What the hell did I think was going to happen?? Did I honestly think this was going to be easy? That I would not have any injuries?  I am still not where I should be weight wise, while I am down over 60lbs I am not near where I need to be. I know that some of my injuries and issues are caused by my weight.  No one has outright said that to me but at the end of the day it is obvious.

I try my hardest under the circumstances and I don’t always succeed but I have worked my ass off for 2 years.  I think that is why I am so frustrated.  I have seen the work I have put in the effort, the amount I go to the gym and yet I have been stuck at this weight for over 6 months (well over).  Ok great, that means I haven’t gained anything and I should be really happy, but I haven’t lost either.  I haven’t lose any weight!!!  I work out almost every day, I don’t eat nearly as poorly as I used to and yet here I am stuck.

I have had ENOUGH!!  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to hurt just sitting here typing this.  I want to feel better.   I am sick of feeling like crying over stupid things because I can’t do something.  I want my life back.  It’s time to refocus.  Gain a different perspective.  But how do I do that.  How do I gain a new focus when the one I have had is all I have known for these past 2 years.  It is what has got me through the struggles of life learning how to take care of myself, how to focus on the new good parts of me.  I know I sound like a broken record but this is difficult.

I am not giving up on running but I can not focus on that right now.  I am going to continue to rehab but I am not going to push it.  I am not going to push PT to let me run or even ask for that matter.  When my body is ready my body will be ready.  I am going to focus on the other parts of me that need work.  My upper body, my core and my mind.  Focus on the things I have control over.  I can get a stronger core ( I will need that to run a marathon), I can get a stronger upper body (who doesn’t want that) and I will learn to get out of my head more and trust the process.

I will continue to focus more on my nutrition and all the things I can do versus the ONE thing that I can not do right now.

Excitement then Fear

On Friday I got news from PT that I could start running on a modified schedule.  So to start week 1 I can do a run of .25 miles a walk of .25 miles and then repeat one time and that is all. So that is a total of 1 mile and I can do that 3-4x during the week.  Every week that increases for approximately 7 weeks or until I feel 100%.  Talk about sheer excitement just that fact that I can run.

Now granted there are some stipulations, the run needs to be run/walk intervals, no treadmill and I need to tape my leg.  So again, pure joy at hearing this.  I was so excited to get up this morning and try to do this.  Then I woke up and fear set in.  Fear of the unknown, fear of my leg hurting, fear of me not being able to run at all.  So I said you have to do this at some point.

Got up, got dressed and heading to a local park that has a soft gravel trail at about 6:40am. I figured the earlier the better as the humidity here has not been great.  Anyway, I did it.  I did one mile and I followed all the rules.  I did it in 13:24 which may sound pretty dismal to most but considering when I started 2 years ago I was slower than that I will take it.  I think I am afraid to admit though that I might not have been ready.  My first few steps I felt a little twinge and got scared but I said I need to give it time.  It has been 3 weeks maybe it just needs to warm up a little.

Needless to say I think I am realizing that my fears have come to fruition. My leg does not feel right, I have been getting pains in the back of my leg most of the day even when sitting.  I am ok just walking around taking it easy but it is not pain free.  Maybe it is just because today was the first day, who knows. Tomorrow I might wake up and feel great and feel like I can do it again, but right now I don’t think I can.

PT gave me the ok to do the 5 mile race I have on the 9th as long as I was feeling ok, and after today I don’t think I can do the 5 miles, not if after 1 mile I feel like this.  I can’t risk getting anymore hurt and really jeopardizing my ability to train for NYC (which I am doubting I will be able to do). I am angry, sad, frustrated and just want to cry today.  I can’t explain why this is so difficult for me.  I wish that I could.  At the end of the day I know that I can find something else to make me happy, something to replace running and to make me feel good, but I don’t want to.  I want to be able to run without the pain.  I want to be able to enjoy the miles I know I can do.

I want to train for NYC and be able to finish that marathon and now I feel like those dreams, those goals are failing and may never come true.  I feel defeated in the worst way. I should have waited, I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard to do this.  I should have just given myself the time to really heal.  I have no one to blame for this but me and I think that makes this even worse.

Random Thoughts

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and a lot of stress eating.  Not good on either end.  One of my daughter’s was sick this weekend and that of course did not help.  I have been struggling with the IT Band Syndrome and feeling as if I am at a lose.

I have been an emotional eater for as long as I can remember with binge eating being my go to stress reducer.  As usual I am better at helping others than I am at helping myself with anything.  I have books to read and discuss with others in my practice but I don’t do well with doing it on my own.  I get so angry at myself tough for doing this for going on a “binge”.  I have tools to use to not do this and yet this weekend I have just been overcome with an I don’t care attitude, one that comes all too easy lately that I just didn’t stop.

Of course I still meal prepped today so I have plans to try and stay on track as well as i can this week and find myself a plan that I can stick with.  At the beginning of the year I was writing down all of my exercise and really keeping track of what i was doing it.  I need to get back to that.  I need to be accountable for what I am doing and for how I am going to do it.

Plan:

• Track all exercise
• Track all food
• Find and stick to exercise plan
• Finalize marathon training plan
• Go easy on myself!!!

My Path

I have had a lot on my mind lately and my mind is having trouble focusing because of this. I did my first race in Central Park, NYC yesterday.  It is on my bucket list to run there and I get to check that off.  Oh wait let me do that now….. ok done!!  And while I am excited I am just not in a good place emotionally.  My time was subpar in my opinion but at the end of the day it should not matter as I finished.  

Today though I am jus this funk.  I woke up really sore and barely able to walk because of the plantar fasciitis in my right food.  Central Park is full of hills no matter which way you look at it and that is what did it for me.  Also though I picked this month to decide to get new office space for my practice.  What was I thinking.  In the past week, I signed a new lease, finished the yearbook for my daughters school and did a 10K race.  Umm hello.  Today I am just thinking of all the things I need to do before June.

I don’t get the keys until 5/23 and then will have to go in and clean and paint to make it mine.  I am sure I could just stick with the paint that is there but I know I wouldn’t be happy with it.  Then I have to move and be out of my old space by 6/15.  One month, I also have to notify all my clients that I am moving.  While doing this I am also trying to figure out how to better market my practice and get new clients.  I feel a new energy about my practice and I am hoping that I will be able to implement some new ideas now that I have this new space but I just have so much in my head.

I also have to think of the cost of moving, while I have some great friends, I do need some furniture, specifically a desk, desk chair and regular chair.  I am thinking of stealing the chair from my own living room since right now there are coats and junk sitting on it and I don’t know when the last time an actual person sat on it, lol.  I have been aimlessly searching craigslist and going to the furniture to see if I can find any deals.  I am just at a lose.  Forget about paint colors I can’t even think about that as all the colors I have thought I would like or have chosen have not been what I thought when I put it on the wall.  Just feeling the overwhelming sense of what have I gotten myself into.

Did I mention I still have to pick a marathon training plan and stick to it!!!  Wait scratch that and actually start it.  I need to find my love of running again.  Right now I love eating skittles and sitting on my couch.

 

Fear

Fear has totally taken over my life the last few weeks.  I am trying to figure out this marathon training and I am starting to stress over which plan is the right plan and what if I start too soon will I get burnt out, but what if i don’t start soon enough will I have enough time.  How am I going to keep losing weight when everyone tells me I am bound to gain weight, how do I keep strength training and kickboxing when I know I will have to be running more.  There are so many what if’s in the scenario and so many unknowns.

I am starting to wonder what I have gotten myself into.  Why did I think I could run a full marathon? Why did I even want to run a full marathon? How do I pick a plan? What is the best plan? How do I stay injury free? Am I even injury free now (doctor on 4/25)? Is this the biggest mistake of my life?

Yes these are questions I ask myself on a regular basis.  My eating has been less than stellar as of late and I could make a million and one excuses but there aren’t any.  I know better then to not eat before going to an event when I don’t know what the choices will be so that I don’t end up eating chocolate chip cookies, swedish fish, and peppers for dinner (yes seriously that is what I ate).  A year ago I never would have done that, I would not have even put myself in the position to do that.  So I live with these choices and hope that I can get myself back on track.  I am responsible for my own choices, I am responsible for my food and for making sure that i am the one how makes the healthy choice.  I don’t say I am cheating I made a bad choice.  This bad choice will come back to haunt me on the scale but I have to let fear stop having complete control over me.

I have lived with fear for so long. Fear of not being liked, fear of failure, fear of not being able to do certain things.  FEAR is my biggest enemy and my greatest excuse.  I haven’t done so many things because I have been afraid of what might be.  Never realizing what could be the outcome on the other side.  Yet I still live in the constant state of fear because typically when I make a decision someone will get hurt or be effected adversely and I don’t want that to happen.  I worry so much about what others think and feel that I often forget how to just be and that will often manifest itself in the other choices that I then make.  I need to figure out how to stop letting my fears getting in the way of my success.

March 8, 2016

The day started out like any other.  You know the day that the NYC Marathon lottery happens.  Back in January I decided to put my name in the lottery.  Why?  No idea, just thought it was the natural progression of my journey.

Let me back track a little.  Three years ago I started a paper & pencil journal.  Old school style in a book, with pretty pens, lol.  I figured I was telling my clients all the time about the benefits of journaling so why not try it myself.  In the front of that journal I started a bucket list.  At first it was going to be 40 things to do before 40 but I couldn’t come up with 40 things so it just became a bucket list.

Some of the things on that list were:

• travel outside of the US
• get my passport
• own a home
• take the girls to Disney
• run a half marathon
• run a marathon

Say what??  I wasn’t even on my journey to fitness at that point.  I was overweight and miserable to say the least.  Why would I put those things on that list?  Who knows….  Well fast forward and I did get my passport, we went to Canada, we bought our home, took the kids to Disney and oh yeah I ran 4 half marathon’s.  Now there are a lot more things on this list and most of them have not been accomplished but I am getting there.  Let’s just pause for a moment though……..

In 2015 I ran (4) half marathon’s.  I went from contemplating weight loss surgery to not having it done, to running those half marathons.  Now I am not fast so let’s not talk about times.  So you see, the natural progression in my mind was to do a full marathon.  Everyone has said if you are going to do one NYC or Philly are the two to look at.  With that said I put my name in for the lottery.  And I then promptly forgot that I had done it.  You see after having twins (9+ years ago) my brain is often mush.

Thankfully a mom in one of my running groups (we will call her M) posted something the day or two before reminding everyone of the lottery.  So on the morning of March 8th I went about my day like anyone else.  Anyone else that is waiting to hear about the lottery.  I trained with my trainer at the gym, got the girls ready for school, went to yoga etc.  After yoga I decided to check my credit card statement.  You see I had heard that that was the way you really found out.  Well to my surprise I had a pending charge from NYRR.  What ???!!!

Are you kidding me?????!!!!!!! I was just accepted into the NYC Marathon.  This has to be a mistake there is no way that they chose me, there is no way that I will be running 26.2 miles in November.  I immediately called my mom because who else do you call when you find out this kind of news (I guess my husband but he was the 2nd call).  My mom was so excited for me. She actually walked to marathon’s when I was kid so it all just seemed full circle in our lives.  The rest of the day was sort of a blur, I had clients to see that afternoon/evening and I went through moments of being excited to feeling like I was going to throw up.  My husband is excited (at least I think he is, lol) and I am still scared.

So now the real journey begins.  I want to be closer to my goal weight when I start training and I have to come up with a training plan.  I have been doing my research and trying to see what is going to work best not just for me but for my family.  You see I still have to get the kids to school every day and be there for my clients while trying to figure out how training to run 26.2 miles is going to work.  I know I can figure it out but sometimes I get a little overwhelmed with the thought.

Oh and M did not get in the marathon this year 😦