Mornings

Since my surgery Is ave had the most difficult time getting myself up and to the gym at my usual 5am.  Now being at the gym at 5am means actually getting up at 4:30am so I can sort of wake up get dressed and get there for when they open.  I used to love that my gym would open a few minutes early but because of one idiot they open at exactly 5am so I guess I have a few extra minutes but I digress.

I found myself sleeping in and justifying with “well, I, don’t have to be at work until x time so I will just go after drop off”.  Now have I done that yes I have but it throws off my entire routine.  As I started tracking my food again, I noticed or rather my amazing trainer/coach noticed that I was skipping breakfast on certain days.  Hmm, why am I skipping breakfast.  Upon further inspection of it, I noticed that I was skipping on the days that I didn’t go to the gym early.  Patter.  I am all about my patterns or reasons.  I guess that is the therapist in me.

So I committed to myself this week that I am going to get up and go tot he gym at 5am no matter what time I have to be at work.  I feel like it also gives me the opportunity to be productive outside of the office.  I am sitting here now at Starbucks, drinking my coffee and typing this.  I got up early and it didn’t even phase me this morning.  I worked out for just over an hour and burned about 630 calories ( depending on the accuracy of the heart rate monitor).  I have been doing the 30 min BeachBody workout (21 day fix) and then I do the strength training that my coach sends me to do.  You see we all need a coach in my opinion.  We all need someone to motivate us and to help us out along the way.

I have fully recommitted to myself and to the importance of not only what I have to offer but to who I am.  I want to be the best version of myself and I know that in my heart I can do that.  It might take a little practice and a little patience but dang I can do this.

 

 

P.S.  So can you!!!!!

Life

Life has thrown me lots of curve balls and given me lots of lemons as of late.  I do my best.

Someone said something last week that initially was very hurtful, they commented that they didn’t understand why I was so upset when I was told to take a break from running.  They mentioned that I had only been running for a short time and couldn’t understand why it would even mean that much to me.  Clearly yes there was more to the conversation and the comment but that was the just of it.  I was angry and didn’t understand why someone I considered a “friend” would be so hurtful.  I got upset and tried to explain that it was my everything.  It was the thing that stopped me from binge eating.  It was what helped with my “addiction”my need and want to eat.  At the end of the day though, it made me think, it made me realize he was partially correct.

So, it was / is time for me to find something new.  I loved running but I realize that it isn’t all of me and I don’t even know if it still a part of me.  I have this friend Bridget who I have been watching kill these workouts on Facebook and I thought hmm let me give this a try.  I have seen Beachbody before but never paid much attention.  I looked into and thought why not.  I need to find something, I might as well make this my something.

So I started 21day Fix.  I did it for a week and then I stopped, I thought I can’t do this, what was a I thinking.  In the meantime though I signed up to not only do the program but I signed up to be a coach as well.  Yes me a coach.  You see I love what fitness has done for me and I want to do that for other people.  So I recommitted to the program.  On Monday may 29th I started again.  I am fully committed to this program and to myself.  I am loving the workouts.  I am finding enjoyment in things I thought were lost, I am getting up again and going to the gym, I am focused on what I want and refocused on loving myself.

Message me, comment below if you want more info on any of the programs.  I am not a salesperson by any means so this part scares me but I am human.  I am a mom, a small business owner, a wife and someone who wants to be fit!!!!

Surgery

I had a consult last week with mainlineplasticsurgery.com and have nothing but great things to say about them.  The staff and the doctor were amazing.  I am in the position of not knowing what to do.  I really want to do this.  I know that it is looked at as vain and that I am only doing this to feel better about myself.  Is that true, well yes, but it is not the entire truth.  I also feel that it will help to improve my overall heath.  I have skin that just hangs.  I have to wear compression pants (workout clothes) almost all the time and not because I like to because I have to in order to feel somewhat normal.

Jeans are ok most of the time, but I still feel the skin in there (I know gross).  It isn’t noticeable to other people but it is for me.  I don’t wear cute underwear because well I need to wear the ones that hold the skin in place otherwise the jeans won’t fit correctly.  All things that are just petty.

Here is the thing, I have worked my ass off, literally to change.  I have done everything I could possible do and I am no where near where I need to be but this is what I want.  I have a difficult time seeing how far I have come because every time I look in the mirror I see the old me, I see the skin that hangs.  I feel that everyone else can see it.  I have stopped wanting my husband to love me because I feel to disgusting in my skin.  I don’t feel I deserve to be loved or to be happy because well I did this to myself.  I let myself go for years.  I allowed myself to eat my emotions when I knew there were other options.

I have been so stuck with my life that I just didn’t care and now that I do maybe me looking this way is a form of punishment.  Again, no one else can see this it is a personal thing that I know exists.  Fitting I guess that I work in the mental health field as those are too often the hidden illness’ that no one sees and no one gets.  So, at the end of the day, I want to have this surgery.  At the end of the day I can’t afford to have this surgery.  It will cause issues in my marriage because it will cause financial issues.  Won’t it cause issues though because of the resentment I might hold for not being able to do it.  I don’t want to feel this.

I want to work hard again to finish losing the weight but no matter what I do, the skin will not go away.  The skin will remain and maybe I need to hold it close because it is the scar I have to remind me that I have done so much and where I never can go back to.

Unbroken

Was over my calories by less than 100 yesterday. My choice for dinner this week was a littler higher in calories than I thought so I am trying to adjust my other meals without feeling too hungry it is difficult. I will get there. Need to pay more attention to meal prep though and what I am cooking.

 

Good news from PT yesterday. I can start doing a little more, I was honest that I had tried to run and he was actually ok with it. Wants me to keep the intervals (I do anyway) and not do it for too long. So no Perfect 10 for me in 2 weeks, not that I anticipated doing it but I think a part of me was hoping I could at least do the buddy race and run 5 miles (yeah right). I can start doing squats with weights and if I can tolerate those then I can move to back squats (best news I have heard in a long time).

 

Today was going to be a leg and cardio day but I woke up pretty sore. PT really did a number on me with deep tissue work and I am feeling it today so I made the decision to not push it. Also my trainer did a killer shoulder work out yesterday that I am feeling today. I changed my work schedule recently as well for my daughter. So I am working 3 nights in a row until 8 or 8:45 those nights. While it doesn’t seem like much I don’t get home until almost 9:30 on the late nights and waking up at 4:30am is rough. I am definitely feeling my age lately.

I have been away from here lately.  I have been feeling pretty broken and just trying to put the pieces back together.  The hip injury has sidelined me for so long.  My weight loss has been stagnant and I have actually gained a few pounds which is a source of embarrassment for me.  I am getting back on track the best way that I can.

Don’t Need Running

 

I have had two very different people in my life tell me within two days that I “don’t need” running.  Let me back track a little.  As I have mentioned previously running has been my go to for the past two years.  When I started this journey of fitness it was what I latched onto, probably because it was easy.  Don’t laugh I know a lot of people don’t look at it as easy.  I think I mean easy as it was just a natural thing to do. So in these conversations I discussed how I am scared of falling back into my old patterns.  Scared of not exercising of eating crappy again not going to the gym etc.  I was reminded that even injured I am still doing things.

So two unrelated people both told me I “don’t need” running.  I guess I have looked at running as the glue that holds this entire process together.  What am I without it?  How do I define myself? How to I continue to exercise? Today I was reminded that while running I have been in this awful plateau with my weight, so therefore running has not really helped me.  In addition to this injury.  Of course this is my trainer speaking and well he hates that I run as does every trainer I have encountered.  I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that these two people are correct.  I don’t need it but I want it.

So how do I make strength training just as important, how do I find the same enjoyment in that as I do in completing a half marathon.  I think that is the issue.  When I finish a 13.1 mile race that takes me 2 hours and 45 mins I feel I sense of holy hell what did I just do.  I haven’t gotten there with my strength training.  While yes I see improvements and yes I see that I can do more and my form is getting better, what else is there with that?  So again it is back to the idea that while I don’t need running I want it in my life.

We all have wants though. Most of want to be thinner, want to richer, want to be happier.  All wants though and not needs.  So how then do I wrap my warped brain around this idea, how do I accept this idea and move forward.  There are plenty of people who have actual needs that they can’t obtain and wants much greater than my want to run.  I have to look at the fact that there are still so many things I can do (well not today the pain is crazy).  I can still pretty much live my daily life minus a few bumps in the road as I figure out where to navigate.  The pain is pretty bad today but that is from PT yesterday and I know within a day or 2 I will be back to normal, whatever normal is now.

So I need to keep perspective that it has been 2 years, I have stayed relatively the same weight for over a year now and that is probably harder than losing, to maintain.  While I wish for more I have to thankful for where I am at.  I do not need running but I miss is and want to be able to do it.  Refocusing my goals though and not beating myself up because of things that I am not able to do at this moment.

Sidelined

As I sit on the sideline now, a sad puppy looking on as other people do the things I love, I am trying to keep my focus.  reminding myself that this will help me in the long run and not hurt me.  I was at the gym this morning doing a short upper body/ab workout and then 4 miles on the bike while I watched my trainer train someone else.  They were doing a lot of the exercises I love doing and miss doing.  Now I know it is only for 2 weeks and I know there are plenty of people who can’t work out at all and I should be grateful and I am.  It doesn’t mean though that I don’t feel pangs of jealousy as I watch someone else doing what I want to be doing.

I tell people all the time in my practice that sometimes we have to focus on the smaller pieces of the puzzle before we can see the entire thing together.  I am trying very hard to remind myself of this in my own life.  I need to put the edges together to make the puzzle work.  The edges are my nutrition, PT and focus on how to get stronger without running my body down.  There is a sense of anger in myself though at times.  Anger that I didn’t go to see this doctor sooner.  Anger that I wasn’t more forceful in March when I went to go see a doctor and didn’t really agree with what he said.  I think I was ready to hear what might be really wrong anyway.

So the healing continues, not just of my body but of my mind as well.  Trying to remind myself that I can’t have regrets.  Regrets only make the day longer and we forget to look forward when we keep looking back.

Tracking, Tracking and More Tracking

Tracking is the name of the game.  I admit that I have let my nutrition slip over the last several months.  I got comfortable in my own space.  I was eating all the same things and wasn’t really paying attention.  Then this ITBS happened and I thought hmm, I need something to focus on while I can’t run.  So I met with my trainer at crunchnorthbrunswick.com this am and instead of doing a regular training session, Brian and I discussed nutrition.  We sat down and talked about calorie intake, breaking down my macros (protein, carbs, fat), and how to make it all work.  We did the dreaded body fat %, which I swear is off because of all my excess skin but there is no real proof of that, lol.

Bottom line, I am not eating enough of the right things and in general not eating enough and so for the amount I have been working out it is actually counter productive.  In addtion I am not eating enough greens ( I hate green veggies, well I hate veggies in general).  So I am going to focus on tracking again, got the app all up and going.  I am going to focus on my eating cues (back to the emotional eating) and eat when I am hungry not when I think I should.

This is also a place I am going to call home again, or my actual journal.  I haven’t been doing a lot of this lately and usually writing and journaling are like second nature to me when I am struggling.  So put the food down and focus on all the good things.  Also decided while I am taking a break from running and intense cardio I am going to still focus on upper body (it is my weakness anyway) and find some good workouts to start strengthening that.  I can’t stay out of the gym, no way no how.  The past 2 days have absolute torture not actually working out.

I am also going to try and find some yoga classes I can fit into my crazy schedule.  I was doing that pretty regularly for a while and then stopped because of schedule changes, now that my office is slowing down a little for the summer I am hoping to find a studio near there that I can sneak away for some mid day classes.

At the end of the day I have a plan.  My plan is to keep going because I will not give up.  I don’t know how to give up.  I will make this work for me and I will get stronger and healthier along the way.  Rebuilding the foundation that I started is what is important.  I will run the NYC Marathon in November because it is a dream and I know I can accomplish it.  It doesn’t matter how slow I end up being as long as I get it done.  So my training might be delayed a little it doesn’t mean I am not still staying strong in other ways.

I WILL do this.

 

PT

Yesterday was a really bad day. I fell back into some old habits and had a slight binge with my eating. Just when I think I am on the flip side it all comes back. The emotion around it, the why I do do, the guilt after. It all came flooding back. now this was nothing like a binge I would have had in the past and it was short lived and I moved one but I am still not happy with myself. I am struggling with the idea of not running ( I know I know) and also taking a break in general. I discussed with my trainer today taking a week off everything to really start the healing process. He is right I need to give my body the chance it needs to heal and I am not doing that if I am doing all these other activities even if I am not running.

 

I have a lot of fear though of the what if.  What if I take a week off and then I can’t get back into it?  What if I take a week off and I like it and decide to give up? What if a week doesn’t help?  

But then I am reminded that I can’t live in a world of what if. What if taking a week off helps me to heal? What if taking a week off makes me appreciate what I am doing even more?

Saying those things is one thing, believing them is totally different.  I fear falling into old patterns.  For almost 2 years I don’t know if I have taken a significant break.  A total no working out break.  Even saying that makes me cringe a little.  But I know if I don’t do this I won’t heal.

What is the issue you might ask?  Well officially my IT Band but after PT yesterday he believes also some periformus issues as well.  We are working a little on both and seeing where things go.  I am going to be going 2x a week and we will see where it gets me.  Of course it is all tied together as it is the same side and one couldn’t have played a part in the other and given how stubborn I am and won’t slow down I have not made it better.

Confidence

Most days, scratch that all days I lack this in most everything I do.  Today is no exception and it is probably even a little worse.  I did get out there and run 7 miles this am….

A pretty great accomplishment today with those pace times.  That isn’t the issue though.  I have to go to a party this afternoon.  I have to get dressed up in heels and a dress and go to a party.  Ok, I know this should not be an issue but I have not gotten dressed up like this in well ever.  I don’t do parties, I don’t do dress clothes.  You see part of losing weight is this idea in my head that I am still 235lbs.  No where near there I know and just a different person but I feel like I don’t have the confidence to pull this off today.  I promise to post some pictures later.  I did my nails already…..

Now that I am a Jambery consultant I have the world of nails at my finger tips. My daughter is great with make up at the ripe old age of 9 and will be helming me get it all set.  I am leaving my running watch at home (gasp I know) and wearing actually jewelry today.  Stay tuned people the best is yet to come.