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Fat To Fit And More

A Journey from Fat to Fit through Running

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Depression

Setbacks

The past week has been riddled with setbacks.  I seem to have re-injured my hip last week.  I did too much cardio and knew it and yet the next day still got up and tried to do a leg workout.  Well that was all I needed to know that it was a bad bad choice.  I immediately started limping and well haven’t been the same since.  I have struggled with this injury for over a year now and I fear that I will not be able to run long distances.

I watched friends post about running NYC yesterday the race that I was suppose to run.  The race that I was training for and wanted so bad to run.  I thought all day yesterday I should have just run.  F it who cares about this injury I should have just done it.  What if I never get this opportunity again, what if I can’t train, what if I can’t ever run this distance?  All these scenarios going through my head all day.

Yes I know that if I had done it I would have further injured myself, yes I know that there is still a possibility that I will be able to train and run this race next year ( I deferred my entry to next year).  So I was suppose to do a 5K on Thanksgiving and not sure if I will be able to do that or not at this point.  Hopefully but not overly impressed with that as an option.

Plan B, get healthy, start building miles again starting 12/5 this gives me 8 weeks to build up a base again.  Then I will follow a 12 week training plan to hopefully run a half on 4/22.  If all goes well (fingers crossed) I will have 2 weeks off and then will begin a Galloway training plan for NYC.  Galloway plans or decidedly longer but it will give me an opportunity to slow build my mileage and train smart.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to focus on my nutrition.  I have added vitamin D, Omega-3 and MCT oil to my diet. Trying some new food also.  I am going to continue to strengthen my upper body and core as this will be key in the endurance of running a marathon.  I will continue to do yoga both in class and on my own as much as possible so that I can strengthen the muscle that is damaged.

I have a plan and while it may have to change six billion times between now and the completion, I feel better that I have a plan.  I am going to try and continue to try and fit the trainer in my schedule also although the cost is crazy I feel like I still need that piece to keep me motivated to keep hitting smaller goals.  Here’s to stop making excuses and start focusing on all the things that I can do.

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Excitement then Fear

On Friday I got news from PT that I could start running on a modified schedule.  So to start week 1 I can do a run of .25 miles a walk of .25 miles and then repeat one time and that is all. So that is a total of 1 mile and I can do that 3-4x during the week.  Every week that increases for approximately 7 weeks or until I feel 100%.  Talk about sheer excitement just that fact that I can run.

Now granted there are some stipulations, the run needs to be run/walk intervals, no treadmill and I need to tape my leg.  So again, pure joy at hearing this.  I was so excited to get up this morning and try to do this.  Then I woke up and fear set in.  Fear of the unknown, fear of my leg hurting, fear of me not being able to run at all.  So I said you have to do this at some point.

Got up, got dressed and heading to a local park that has a soft gravel trail at about 6:40am. I figured the earlier the better as the humidity here has not been great.  Anyway, I did it.  I did one mile and I followed all the rules.  I did it in 13:24 which may sound pretty dismal to most but considering when I started 2 years ago I was slower than that I will take it.  I think I am afraid to admit though that I might not have been ready.  My first few steps I felt a little twinge and got scared but I said I need to give it time.  It has been 3 weeks maybe it just needs to warm up a little.

Needless to say I think I am realizing that my fears have come to fruition. My leg does not feel right, I have been getting pains in the back of my leg most of the day even when sitting.  I am ok just walking around taking it easy but it is not pain free.  Maybe it is just because today was the first day, who knows. Tomorrow I might wake up and feel great and feel like I can do it again, but right now I don’t think I can.

PT gave me the ok to do the 5 mile race I have on the 9th as long as I was feeling ok, and after today I don’t think I can do the 5 miles, not if after 1 mile I feel like this.  I can’t risk getting anymore hurt and really jeopardizing my ability to train for NYC (which I am doubting I will be able to do). I am angry, sad, frustrated and just want to cry today.  I can’t explain why this is so difficult for me.  I wish that I could.  At the end of the day I know that I can find something else to make me happy, something to replace running and to make me feel good, but I don’t want to.  I want to be able to run without the pain.  I want to be able to enjoy the miles I know I can do.

I want to train for NYC and be able to finish that marathon and now I feel like those dreams, those goals are failing and may never come true.  I feel defeated in the worst way. I should have waited, I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard to do this.  I should have just given myself the time to really heal.  I have no one to blame for this but me and I think that makes this even worse.

Failure Means Success

“Failing at a workout means you succeeded because you gave it your all” (Trainer Brian @crunchnorthbrunswick.com ) Interesting concept considering my entire existence as of late has been based around the fear of success.  You see I don’t mind failure because I am so used to it.  I have tried and failed at getting healthy more times than I can count.  So in reality I am not afraid of failure it is the success that scares me.

As a kid, my dad was pretty hard on us.  It was always if you got an A- it should have been an A, you made varsity well great but why aren’t you starting.  I grew up trying to always please other people instead of focusing on the person who mattered most.  Today’s training didn’t just show me how to improve my upper body strength it showed me that even failure can be success.

I have succeeded in these past 2 years because I still get up every day (almost) at 4:30am and go to the gym or kickboxing. I have made this a true lifestyle change.  It actually pains me that I can’t do as much as I want to do.  Getting injured wasn’t a failure, the not taking care of it wasn’t good, but the injury itself wasn’t and isn’t a failure.  I trained and completed 4 half marathon’s last year that isn’t failure because I didn’t finish in the time I wanted.  I succeeded because I got out there and tried something new.

In all of my failures I have somehow succeeded because I am where I am at today because of them.  So in my fear of success I have been successful all along.  I have chosen to do the things I do, live the life I live and have the business that I do.  All of those came out of fear and then success.   I chose to get healthy out of fear of leaving my daughter’s without a mother.  Of dying young like my brother did.  I choose to run and work out because it makes me happy to do something for me.  To accomplish new things, to lift a new set of weights to do more pushups then I could before (pullups is an entire different story).  I choose to go into private practice so that I could be home with girls in the mornings and have the flexibility to be there when they need me at school and camp events.  All of my choices in life have led me to where I am today.

So why then do I see my self as always failing.  Simple, I am the most critical of myself and my choices.  I often see myself as a failure of a mother because my daughter acts out or doesn’t listen, I see myself as a failure of a wife because J isn’t always happy.  I am a failure as a business owner because my practice is not busier, I fail as a woman because I am not the perfect size or have the perfect hair etc.  You name it and i will probably tell you I am not good at it.

I guide people all the time to be easier on themselves, to love themselves, find the good in what they do.  You think I would be able to do the same thing.  I am trying harder lately and hearing that today just made me stop and think.  “Failure is success”.  You can’t fail if you didn’t try and personally I would rather try than to sit back and let the world keep happening around me.  I did that for 30 something years and it didn’t really get me that far.  The past two years have been rewarding in so many ways and have some amazing people and friends along the way.

FAILURE IS SUCCESS

Random Thoughts

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and a lot of stress eating.  Not good on either end.  One of my daughter’s was sick this weekend and that of course did not help.  I have been struggling with the IT Band Syndrome and feeling as if I am at a lose.

I have been an emotional eater for as long as I can remember with binge eating being my go to stress reducer.  As usual I am better at helping others than I am at helping myself with anything.  I have books to read and discuss with others in my practice but I don’t do well with doing it on my own.  I get so angry at myself tough for doing this for going on a “binge”.  I have tools to use to not do this and yet this weekend I have just been overcome with an I don’t care attitude, one that comes all too easy lately that I just didn’t stop.

Of course I still meal prepped today so I have plans to try and stay on track as well as i can this week and find myself a plan that I can stick with.  At the beginning of the year I was writing down all of my exercise and really keeping track of what i was doing it.  I need to get back to that.  I need to be accountable for what I am doing and for how I am going to do it.

Plan:

  • Track all exercise
  • Track all food
  • Find and stick to exercise plan
  • Finalize marathon training plan
  • Go easy on myself!!!

Fear

Fear has totally taken over my life the last few weeks.  I am trying to figure out this marathon training and I am starting to stress over which plan is the right plan and what if I start too soon will I get burnt out, but what if i don’t start soon enough will I have enough time.  How am I going to keep losing weight when everyone tells me I am bound to gain weight, how do I keep strength training and kickboxing when I know I will have to be running more.  There are so many what if’s in the scenario and so many unknowns.

I am starting to wonder what I have gotten myself into.  Why did I think I could run a full marathon? Why did I even want to run a full marathon? How do I pick a plan? What is the best plan? How do I stay injury free? Am I even injury free now (doctor on 4/25)? Is this the biggest mistake of my life?

Yes these are questions I ask myself on a regular basis.  My eating has been less than stellar as of late and I could make a million and one excuses but there aren’t any.  I know better then to not eat before going to an event when I don’t know what the choices will be so that I don’t end up eating chocolate chip cookies, swedish fish, and peppers for dinner (yes seriously that is what I ate).  A year ago I never would have done that, I would not have even put myself in the position to do that.  So I live with these choices and hope that I can get myself back on track.  I am responsible for my own choices, I am responsible for my food and for making sure that i am the one how makes the healthy choice.  I don’t say I am cheating I made a bad choice.  This bad choice will come back to haunt me on the scale but I have to let fear stop having complete control over me.

I have lived with fear for so long. Fear of not being liked, fear of failure, fear of not being able to do certain things.  FEAR is my biggest enemy and my greatest excuse.  I haven’t done so many things because I have been afraid of what might be.  Never realizing what could be the outcome on the other side.  Yet I still live in the constant state of fear because typically when I make a decision someone will get hurt or be effected adversely and I don’t want that to happen.  I worry so much about what others think and feel that I often forget how to just be and that will often manifest itself in the other choices that I then make.  I need to figure out how to stop letting my fears getting in the way of my success.

Human

I am human!!  I have good days and I have bad days.  My husband reminded me of something today.  I was telling him how I was feeling after the weekend and he responded with “Prior to the last couple years you would have let one day of crap win.  You won’t let that happen now.” He is right.  Today I was back at it, 2mile at the gym, trainer session for 30 min of legs and core work and then 30 min kickboxing.  I packed all my food and so far I am eating it.  I did stop for coffee but didn’t buy candy or extra stuff.

I feel                                                                 Because

___________________________________________

Discouraged                                                I haven’t lost anymore weight

Uncertain                                                    there are a lot of changes

Overwhelmed                                             yearbook, pto, running my business

Alone                                                              no one in the house eats or trains like I do

Afraid                                                              trying something new with the marathon

Hopeful                                                          I am no falling into old patterns

Lost                                                                  sometimes I don’t know what direction to go

 

This was something I started doing as I was working on my emotional eating.  When I started to grab food I would do this.  I have read and worked through the book “Life is Hard, Food is Easy” by Linda Spangle, RN, MA, and this is one of the chapters in this book.  It is very helpful to just go back and identify the feelings that I am having on any given day.  I don’t do it as much as I should and I thought this was a good of time as any to figure it out a little.  Life will never get easier, my girls will not be any less stressful but I have to find new ways to handle the issues that arise.

Yes I am a small business owner and yes that is overwhelming but how many people get to say that they love what they do for a living and truly enjoy going to work.  As much as I want a “real” job I know this is where I need to be.  As far as my journey to healthy I am closer to that goal then ever before but I don’t know why I can’t check off the box on my bucket list.

 

Relapse

I don’t talk about it often but I have an addiction.  My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs but to food.  Laugh if you must but it is real.  I have been addicted to food for a while and I also have an issue with binge eating as well.  I don’t talk much about it because most people don’t believe in it.  The past few days for whatever reason have been really hard on me emotionally.  In the past year and a half I have done really well with keeping track of these emotions and not allowing them to get the best of me but not the past two days.  I have not quite hit the binge eating but I can feel myself going there.  I certainly am using food though to comfort the emotional trouble I am having.  Hence the term relapse.

I am between clients right now and I drove to WaWa (there is one way too close to my office).  I got coffee, no biggie well I also got Skittles, now I know I am not really hungry.  How do I know this.  I ate at 12pm, I ate again at 2pm (high protein food) and then I ate 2 snacks before my 3:30pm even came in.  I know that eating isn’t going to do anything expect cause me to spiral even further but right now it is where I am at.   I did work out today and I know I am within my calories to eat the Skittles but it is not the point.  Candy has been my go to when emotional eating and when binge eating.

I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy, I am just putting this out there to hold myself accountable.  I know this rabbit hole is not good it is far from good and if I go to close I will fall in and I fear not getting out.  As much as a part of me wants to give up and just keep eating, the other part of me knows that it will not help me to feel better.

Today also would have been my parents wedding anniversary were they still married and my nieces birthday is in 4 days.  We no longer have contact with my nieces (since my brother’s death) and I think that is where a lot of this emotion is coming from.  I have no control over these situations and I am not a fan of not having control.  In addition my training sessions at the gym come to an end in two weeks and a part of me is scared to stop.  I am just finding a grove again with strength training and given that I might be injured (going to the doctor on the 25th) that is all I can really do to work out.

And with that I know where all the emotion is coming from.  Not able to run, scared of what is not in my control, missing my family, overwhelmed with work (what else is new) and trying to do too much as a mom/parent volunteer.  Time to take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation.  Oh and I didn’t eat the entire bag of skittles.

Week 2 Update

Week 2 was great!! I felt like I was finally getting in a grove especially with the bag work (which I love by the way).  Still not a huge fan of all the leg work, but that is only because my legs are on fire when I am done, lol.  I feel great when I leave and honestly wish the classes were longer than 30 min.

It has become a running joke that at the end of class I always say “that’s it?”.  I swear the class feels much shorter than 30 min which in my opinion is the sign of a good class.  Now down to the nitty gritty.  Have I lost any weight?  Am I down any inches?

So yesterday was my rest day from kickboxing.  I did go to the gym and did back and calves. When I came home I tried on some dresses that I had bought for a party that I need to go to.  I had bought one on Friday that I loved and wanted to show J to get his opinion.  Well he didn’t like it said that it looked weird in the stomach area (my biggest issues with my self confidence).  So I immediately went into this funk.  Now let’s also add on top it stupid National Sibling Day.  Seeing everyone post current pictures with their siblings was just gut wrenching since my brother died 7 years ago.  I did my best to stay away from FB but the ground work was already set.  From this point forward the day was a wash.

J and I went out to lunch and I just made poor choice after poor choice food wise, I found myself snacking on chips at home right before dinner (I haven’t done this in a very long time).  I just was eating to eat because I was sad.  Ready to throw in the towel and say Fuck it because why should I care anymore.  Just one of those days.

Still not sure how I feel today, but got up and went to kickboxing. I am up 3lbs from the damage yesterday.  It is what it is.  I will own it and make some decisions.  I know that it is stupid to give up but I am just tired of fighting for something that is just out of reach.

Lost & Alone

Some days I love the fact that I have little drama in my life because I have very few close friends if any.  You see when you an adult and move it is harder to make adult friends.  You make friends at jobs and then you leave that job and everyone says “we will stay in touch” but inevitably you never do.

So today is one of those days that I wish I had a best friend.  I am struggling today with me.  I am lost in my own world and I don’t know why or what to do.  I have so many wonderful things around me but I have so much trouble seeing them on a day like today.  I wish I had someone to talk to who would understand and not judge.  Someone to just listen and not try to fix a problem that has no real answer.

I want to be motivated to run again, I want to run again but I just didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.  I thought signing up for another half marathon would force me to get back to training to what I fell in love with last year, but I just didn’t want to do it today.  Ok, I know it is one day and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but normally I push through and do it anyway.  I did take a yoga class so it isn’t like I sat on my ass all day and did nothing I just didn’t do what was on the schedule.

The schedule…what keeps me focused and going even though I often don’t want to.  Today I said F the schedule and now I feel like crap because of it. The one thing I have been good at this past year and a half is keeping to the schedule.  Today is just one of those days.  Lost and alone, being to hard on everything about myself.  How much weight I still have to lose and the why behind that. How I look. You name it and I could find a negative in it today.

I find myself trying to insert myself with females I meet in various settings but realize they already have their friend groups so again feel like an outsider.

I know tomorrow is a new day, blah blah blah.  I just feel the funk coming on and I hate it.  Today is the day I wish I had a best friend to tell these things to and just have them listen.

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