Don’t Know What to Call It

So the funk started a few weeks back.  No real reason for it but it started.  I knew it was coming and there was just no way to hold it off this time.  This one seems to be different.  Normally I get really short tempered and angry with everyone around me, this one I am just sad, downright sad.  I would rather stay in my room then be with my family, I don’t really want to go out and do anything but I have my girls and I need to for them.  My daughter asked me yesterday why I was crying. It broke my heart because I have tried so hard for so long to not let them see this side of me, but yesterday they were home from break and there wasn’t any hiding it anymore.  

 

My dad and I have had a strained relationship I think since I was born.  I have known for a long time that he wanted another boy and they got me.  Trying living your life that way.  He was never really around much when I was growing up even though my parents were married.  I still to this day swear they should have gotten divorced long before they did.  Anyway.  Fast forward to 2009 and that is the year that my brother died.  Everything changed that year and one would have though it would have brought me and my father together and it didn’t.  The following year he walked out on my mother and everything I knew came crashing down around me.  My father had been having an affair for over 20 years and he moved less than a mile from my mother’s house with this woman.  To say I was angry and hurt was and understatement.  So after 41 years of marriage my parents got divorced.  I have tried on many occasions to get my dad’s side of the story, find out the why and the how, but to no avail.  He blames me and mother for not making him feel like he was part of the family (umm hello I was a child) and he has said he would do it all over again.  Gee thanks dad.  

 

So here we are 4 years later and nothing has changed.  I have somewhat accepted this woman that he is with and I do my best to be nice to her, however my father continues to just well just be him.  He has been to my new home (which I understand is 5 hours away) 1x in the last year and a half.  Me and my daughters have traveled up there and if anyone knows what it is like driving with 2 kids yeah not fun especially driving through CT.  He does however regularly go and visit with her family in the south and that is a much further drive I must say.  Well I found out yesterday that in October (we were heading up to north) he will not be around as he is going to Japan.  Wow great right you are going on vacation, not so fast he is going to visit my cousin, his niece.  Yup he can fly across the world to visit his niece and can’t drive 5 hours to visit his daughter.  Does anyone else see a problem with this???…..

 

Now I know you are probably sitting there saying well there is more to the story I am sure and like I say there are 2 sides to every story and the truth is in the middle.  I can’t disagree with that I am sure that a lot of what I see is my perspective and I agree that maybe sometimes that is clouded but I can’t make up the fact that I/we will never be an important part of his life.  So I have come to a pretty strong conclusion I am done trying.  There will be no more one sided phone calls, I will visit my mom and that is all and the most important thing of all is that I can not absolutely can not let this rule my life and my eating.

 

Yes I said my eating, you see for years I have eaten the feelings.  I get upset at something my father does and I eat.  Heck I am very overweight at this point because of those emotions.  I have never known how to cope with it or deal with the idea of your own father not loving and or caring about you.  This is where I struggle with the idea of surgery.  Surgery is not going to fix the emotional void or the eating because I don’t want to feel.  Let me tell you the past 2 days have been rough I am not stuffing my emotions down with food I am feeling them and they are raw and disturbing.  I see the surgeon on Tuesday and I have a lot of questions and I have some big decisions to make.  

Lonely

Have you ever felt so lonely that you can almost hear the silence?

If you don’t know what I am talking about be lucky that you don’t.  I work on my own, I have my own office and so therefor I only see clients when they have appointments and lately I just feel so lonely all the time.  I know that I have “friends” but they aren’t the kind of people I can call and go hang out with.  I have people who are in my life but most people in my life do not understand what I am going through.  If you have never been in the position of feeling alone then you wouldn’t understand this.  I have so many people around me yet feeling alone all the time.

 

The days seem to go on forever and all i think about in those moments is food.  I eat when I am bored.  I have nothing else to do so I eat and then the eating turns to binging and the binging turns to shame and then I end up lonely again.

Anger

I am so angry.  I am beyond words all weekend long.  I have no idea why I am like this or why I feel like I want to scream.

 

I met with the cardiologist on Thursday.  I trust her more than I trust any other doctor.  I don’t know why I thought that she would tell me to not have the surgery but she told me she wants me to have it.  I was shocked and sad at that point.  I haven’t even told J that I am sad about this.  I understand that she wants me to have a better life and better opportunities and in order to do that she wants me to be at a healthier weight.  I guess for me though I just want to be able to do this on my own.  I feel as if I am failing everyone around me because I can’t do this on my own.  

I have been trying to lose weight for years and nothing helps, I lose it and then gain it right back.  I don’t know why I think this is going to be different. I started reading an OA book today.  Maybe it is time to start working on the steps and the reality of life that I can’t do this alone and that my struggle is just that a struggle that I am going to have to live with whether I have the surgery or not.

Failure…Maybe Not

Yesterday I felt like a failure.  All day I was so down on myself for what I thought was a bad month.  Really a bad month………

* I went from saying I was going to go to the gym 3-4x a week to going to the gym 5-6x a week.

* I faithfully met with the trainer 2x a week and made it through every work out!!!!

* I have not had a drop of soda in 2 weeks (this is huge I was drinking 5-6 a day)

* I have significantly reduced the amount of fast food (burgers/fries) that I consume

* I bought my first pair of skinny jeans and I don’t look like a stuffed sausage in them, lol

 

So I guess if you look at those things ( and I have to keep reminding myself of them) I had a pretty successful month.  I am thankful for my trainer (Martin) he is patient when I need him to be but also hard on me and shows me the reality of the choices I make.  My eating has not been spot on and I am aware of that.  I get in these modes where I do things all of nothing and I end up not eating nearly enough and I think this is helping when in my head I know it is just going to hinder me.  So today I am starting fresh with my eating, following the calories the way I need to and trying to focus on the protein that I need to get in.

 

I have several appointments coming up for pre-certification for the surgery.  Today is the cardiologist (I love her by the way), I have been seeing her for about 4 years because of my brother so I value her opinion.  I wasn’t suppose to see her until the end of Sept and moved the appointment up so that I can discuss the surgery in detail with her before I move further.  Tomorrow is the gastro dr and then next week I have the lung dr along with some regular appointments I already had scheduled.

 

Disappointment

So I am pretty disappointed in myself today.  I have no one to blame but myself and I know at the end of the day I need to hold myself accountable for my own actions.

I have been going to the gym for about a month now with the trainer so today was the day that I got my official one month wait and measurements.  You would think I would be excited as I am going to the gym 5-6x a week and really working on changing things.  Yeah not so much.  Anyway so here are the results.

I lost 1 lb (yes one freakin’ pound) and 5″.  I lost 2″ from my waist alone and then I believe 1″ from my waist and some from my arm.  So should I be happy probably but I am not.  I am mad that I didn’t follow the calories/eating portion closer.  I am angry that I feel like I don’t put in enough effort when I go on days alone.  I was emotional during our actual session because I can almost guarantee you that he has no idea what it is like to be an overweight person.  Trust me I am not mad at him about that or anything but it is hard when other people have never had to struggle with this.

Obesity is the last legit form of discrimination.  Do you think I am can find cute clothes?  Do you think I like having other children call my “fat” to my own girls?  Do you think I want my girls to grow up and have to ever struggle with this.  Never!!!!!!!!  So then why the F can’t I get a grip and make the changes that I need to make??  Why am I so freakin’ afraid of doing something good for myself?

I don’t know if I will ever have answers to these questions I don’t know if I will ever be different.  I do know that right now though I feel like I am drowning.

Options

So I am putting this all out there.  I weight 227 or 225lbs depending on the scale and the day, lol.  I don’t think I have ever really put it out there to the world but maybe it is time.

I met with a weight lose surgeon this past week.   It was at the recommendation of my primary doctor and my cardiologist (several years ago).  I finally followed through though and did it.  Let me tell you I was scared to even think about going and when I got there I did not want to go in.  At the end I did and although I felt ok.

So let me start by saying I am not taking this lightly.  I started at the gym about a month ago and also started seeing a trainer.  I go and see him 2x a week and then I go to the gym 3-4 other times during the week.  In addition I have given up soda and I have been working on making better choices in regards to my eating.  So at the end of the day whether I do the surgery or not I have started to make changes that I need to be successful.

So back to the surgery. I am looking at the gastric sleeve procedure which is the one that my primary and the surgeon have recommended.  I am just nervous and scared that I will make the wrong decision or something will happen when I have the surgery.  I know I can not live my life this way.  I can’t do even some basic things.  I am scared that my daughters will end up like me.  I am scared that I will screw up and that I won’t make this work.