So the funk started a few weeks back. No real reason for it but it started. I knew it was coming and there was just no way to hold it off this time. This one seems to be different. Normally I get really short tempered and angry with everyone around me, this one I am just sad, downright sad. I would rather stay in my room then be with my family, I don’t really want to go out and do anything but I have my girls and I need to for them. My daughter asked me yesterday why I was crying. It broke my heart because I have tried so hard for so long to not let them see this side of me, but yesterday they were home from break and there wasn’t any hiding it anymore.
My dad and I have had a strained relationship I think since I was born. I have known for a long time that he wanted another boy and they got me. Trying living your life that way. He was never really around much when I was growing up even though my parents were married. I still to this day swear they should have gotten divorced long before they did. Anyway. Fast forward to 2009 and that is the year that my brother died. Everything changed that year and one would have though it would have brought me and my father together and it didn’t. The following year he walked out on my mother and everything I knew came crashing down around me. My father had been having an affair for over 20 years and he moved less than a mile from my mother’s house with this woman. To say I was angry and hurt was and understatement. So after 41 years of marriage my parents got divorced. I have tried on many occasions to get my dad’s side of the story, find out the why and the how, but to no avail. He blames me and mother for not making him feel like he was part of the family (umm hello I was a child) and he has said he would do it all over again. Gee thanks dad.
So here we are 4 years later and nothing has changed. I have somewhat accepted this woman that he is with and I do my best to be nice to her, however my father continues to just well just be him. He has been to my new home (which I understand is 5 hours away) 1x in the last year and a half. Me and my daughters have traveled up there and if anyone knows what it is like driving with 2 kids yeah not fun especially driving through CT. He does however regularly go and visit with her family in the south and that is a much further drive I must say. Well I found out yesterday that in October (we were heading up to north) he will not be around as he is going to Japan. Wow great right you are going on vacation, not so fast he is going to visit my cousin, his niece. Yup he can fly across the world to visit his niece and can’t drive 5 hours to visit his daughter. Does anyone else see a problem with this???…..
Now I know you are probably sitting there saying well there is more to the story I am sure and like I say there are 2 sides to every story and the truth is in the middle. I can’t disagree with that I am sure that a lot of what I see is my perspective and I agree that maybe sometimes that is clouded but I can’t make up the fact that I/we will never be an important part of his life. So I have come to a pretty strong conclusion I am done trying. There will be no more one sided phone calls, I will visit my mom and that is all and the most important thing of all is that I can not absolutely can not let this rule my life and my eating.
Yes I said my eating, you see for years I have eaten the feelings. I get upset at something my father does and I eat. Heck I am very overweight at this point because of those emotions. I have never known how to cope with it or deal with the idea of your own father not loving and or caring about you. This is where I struggle with the idea of surgery. Surgery is not going to fix the emotional void or the eating because I don’t want to feel. Let me tell you the past 2 days have been rough I am not stuffing my emotions down with food I am feeling them and they are raw and disturbing. I see the surgeon on Tuesday and I have a lot of questions and I have some big decisions to make.